What a funny day.

Hello everyone I am back. What a funny day I am having. I saw something funny. Before I tell you about it I should say a big "thank you" to the kind and generous people who took care of me when I was not well. They were eggstremely caring and took eggscellent care of me. I have decided that I should repay these people. I would like to give them all of the treasures that I have. Even the one from the cave. Unfortunately, I do not remember all of the details of the various security systems I have in place. If anyone has the security details - particularly the details for the cave - will you please send them to me at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com. Giving these people access to my wealth is the least I can do for them.

Here are some of the funny things I saw today. A car with a dent. A cracked window. A pile of garbage. A person who looked lost. An old phone booth with the phone missing.

Always looking out for funny things, my name is Andy Lam.

Andy Lam, Update #4

Mr. Lam's unwillingness to appreciate the gravity of his situation is rather alarming. We have repeatedly impressed upon him the consequences of his continued behavior. Unfortunately, he either doesn't believe those consequences are real or believes that they are less serious than they, in fact, are.

We truly wish Mr. Lam well but fear things may not end positively for him in this situation.

Andy Lam, Update #3

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I must ask that you remain calm and patient. Mr. Lam continues to be treated appropriately and with care and respect. We are doing our utmost to return him to his normal activities but this will depend on his compliance with our directions.

That is all.

Andy Lam, Update #2

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Mr. Lam has asked that I convey his gratitude at your thoughts and well-wishes. He is recuperating well according to those attending to him. He asks that those wishing to reach him use his email (andylamsuperstar@gmail.com) rather than the telephone of facsimile machine. He wishes to assure you that he will resume his normal activities as soon as he is able.

That is all.

Andy Lam update.

Greetings. I have been authorized by Mr. Lam to post a note on his behalf. Mr. Lam is recovering from a minor incident suffered while conducting some important research. He will resume his writings when circumstances allow.

That is all.

Mmmmm, Delicious BEETSO Soup!

Let me tell you, people went KRAYZEE for last week’s #BEETTUESDAY recipe for BEET Encebollado, a traditional beet dish from SUNNY SPAIN! That got me thinking, “what other countries have FANTASTIC beet recipes?” Of course, with SUNNY SPAIN in my head, the very first country that came to mind was JAPAN - THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN!

You see, in JAPAN - THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN - people LUV to eat BEETSO, which is made of fermented beets. This is a VERY SPECIAL ingredient that can be used in a million or more recipes. I am going to tell you how to make BEETSO and I hope you will share some of the million or more things you have made with it!

First, you will need to make sure you have an appropriate fermentation vessel. This, I think, can be and dang thing you have that is made out of one of these materials: pottery, enamel, glass, plastic or porcelain (which, I am told, is a kind of pottery, and that was the first thing on the list!).

Annoyingly, the recipe I have here uses the anachronistic “metric” system for its measurements. That is silly. I would do the conversion but I can’t think of an easy way to do that. I’ll be there’s a way to use a computer or the “Internet” for that - and whoever finds a way to do “conversions” “online” will probably make “a mint!”

Ingredients!

• 1,000 lbs of beets - the more of these you have the more BEETSO you will be able to make; and the more BEETSO you make the more friends you will have; and the more friends you have the more they will tell their friends about your BEETSO; and that will lead you to making more! You you are really good at making BEETSO you may need to buy all of the beets on planet earth! That is how much people will want to eat!

These are BEETS!

• 2,000 lbs of bologna - (the original recipe said something like KOJI so I found something that kind of rhymes with it)

This is pronounced Baa-Low-Knee.

• 600 lbs of salt - nowadays, you have two choices when it comes to salt, that from the sea (which is called SEA SALT) or that from les montagnes (which is called MOUNTAIN SALT). Either is fine.

This mountain is a perfect source for sel de montagne. You can even SEE the salt all around the top!

• H2O - this is the chemical description of water. If you are lucky and have water delivered to you house, either through pipes or in buckets or in bottles or from a giant vat on your ceiling you probably can get this easily. If you do not, you can bind two hydrogen atoms with one atom of oxygen. Even though I have access to water I prefer to create my own, it’s fresher that way! Regardless of how you get your H2O, you will need a LOT for this recipe!

This is water. You will need a lot of it.

Instructions!

1. Soak the beets for a very long time. At least 40,000 seconds. When the beets are as soft as the velvety muzzle of a bull dog they are ready to cook. Now some people think the heat source matters when it comes to cooking BEETS. Balderdash, I say. I’ll bet if you cooked a trillion bowls of BEETS in all different ways no one would be able to tell one from the other after the first few thousand tries. I put the BEETS and the H2O into a giant caldron and heat it over a wood fire like the witches in that scarey play, McBain that’s on the Simpsons I think.
2. Now squish up the beets in a gigantic mixing bowl.
3. In a separate gigantic mixing bowl combine the BOLOGNA with 400 lbs of sel de montagne.
4. Add the H2O to the BEET and BOLOGNA glop. Do it slowly and mix it slowly and take your time checking it and don’t rush. You’ll know it’s right when you can make the BEETS and BOLOGNA into a ball you can use to play stickball.
5. Now it is time for the fermentation vessel. The only porcelain thing I could think of was my toilet. (Be sure to flush before using it for cooking!)

If you don't have an "official" fermentation vessel you can use your toilet - but be sure to flush first!

6. Throw the balls into the toilet, they should make a “plopping” sound. Aim carefully! Be sure there is no air in the toilet! Squash the balls into the toilet until there form a nice flat surface.
7. Sprinkle the remaining sel de montagne (about 200 lbs give or take) on the surface of the toilet. Be sure to put a lot of sel de montagne around the edges of the toilet for that is where bad fungus may appear!
8. Cover with toilet paper or something else. No matter what you use, be sure it covers the ENTIRE SURFACE of the toilet to prevent mold.  
9. Now, my friends, you must wait. And I hate to say it, but you must wait for a long long time. In fact, at the very LEAST you must wait about 15 million seconds and ideally as long as 63,000,000 seconds.
10. When you have finished counting to 63 million, your BEETSO is ready for use!

Here is my recipe for BEETSO soup:

Ingredients!

• Some weed. You can use any kind of weed you can find. In my backyard over at the compound there is a creeper that drives us craze. We use that.
• 10 cups of dried out brown weed. This isn’t the best but it should be easy to find in your yard.

These weeds should work just fine!

• 5 cups of BEETSO! (See above)
• 5 lbs of tofu or pound cake. Really, I think anything white will do, even marshmallows. In fact, you can replace the sel de montange in the BEETSO recipe to make a delicious desert!
• 5 lbs of scallions greens. I had to look this up. These are the tops of onions apparently. Who has that! You can just use onion peels.

Instructions!

1. Stir all of the ingredients together (you may need to add H2O)
2. Put it over a fire or other heat source.
3. Stir even more.
4. Let it almost boil (AKA SIMMER) for 60 second.
5. Serve and enjoy!

Now that is what I call a DOUBLE WINNER! You really got TWO #BEETTUESDAY recipes for the price of one! Maybe next week I will not give you a new one? Ha! Don’t worry, I am only kidding you! Of course I will share another WONDERFUL BEET recipe next week!

If you have questions on this WONDERFUL BEETSO recipe you should EMAIL me at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com and I will do my best to answer you!

With a rapidly BEETING heart, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Photographic Proof of Time Travel!

The famous Greek traveler, Ulysses!

A bunch of big jerks have been giving me a hard time about TIME TRAVEL. They say it isn’t possible and that my technique (of going counterclockwise around the North Pole to go backward and clockwise to go forward) is just hokum! Well have I got a surprise for them! I took my phone with me on a recent trip and have PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF that I went backwards in time! Let me tell you about it.

I was talking to a person. Let's say this person is a man. I’m not going to say this person’s name because I don’t want to have any big jerks harassing him. But for our purposes I will call him the Bacon Commander. So the Bacon Commander was telling me about a terrible war that happened in America once. It was a war between the states he said, a CIVIL WAR. I had never heard of such a thing and so was naturally skeptical.

The Bacon Commander said that once, America was split into two teams: team Blue and team Gray. Each team chose a spot on the map of America to be their home base. Team Blue chose the north and Team Red chose the south. Both teams, according to the Bacon Commander, had a lot of guns and bullets and cannons and cannonballs and other old-fashioned war stuff for fighting.

This was something I just had to see for myself and so I took my rocketship back up to the NORTH POLE and started flying around in circles counterclockwise. Around and around I went - faster and faster until time and space started to smear and blur. I rode around the NORTH POLE until it was 1863 - right in the middle of the WAR of BLUE AND GREY. Smartly, I had my phone with me so I could take pictures of what I was seeing as proof for all of those doubting jerks! Here are a few of the fantastic things I saw!

This is “ABE” Lincoln. He was an honest fellow and became the king of the NORTH during the war. You will notice that this photograph is not in color. That is because color hadn’t been invented yet so everything was black and white and grey back in the olden days!

These four men all have guns and one of them is shooting. They were shooting at  a bird I think, or something else in the sky. The thing is, back in the olden times birds were just about the only thing in the sky so that is probably what he is shooting at. I can’t say I agree with bird killing but these were different times I guess!

At first you may look at this photograph and wonder, who are these two men riding on the backs of animals. I don’t know who the fellow on the near horse is - probably someone very important. But the rider of the second horse? That is Ulysses, the famous Greek warrior and travel buff. He also invented the $50! If you don’t believe me, look in your pocket (if you’re rich) and you will see his picture right on it! Here is a better picture of him riding his horse, whose name I think is Bucephalous or something.

In this picture you can see clearly that this is definitely Ulysses! Safe travels is what I yelled - that is why he is looking at me!

I met this strange character in the forest primeval. I was a little scared because he looked kind of tough. He was nice though and let me have a sip of water from his “canteen,” which is a small sealable container for carrying water. It is a good idea to have one in case you get thirsty and don’t have any money for soda. I would like to share an strange observation: Even in the olden times water tastes pretty much the way it tastes today. You would think that there could have been some improvement! I guess it just shows to go you (ha!) that some things are better left alone!

I think it is safe to say that these photographs, taken with my camera phone, are proof positive that time travel is possible. I mean how else could I have gotten these pictures? I love the feeling of vindication that comes with proving your point!

Now KNOWN as the greatest time traveler of all time (and with the photos to prove it!), I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Sixth Sock Sense, I've Got It!

A group of crazy fellows showing off their nutty socks!

Is it just me or have socks become the new “it” accessory for 2017? What? You’re not familiar with socks? Let me fill you in!

At the end of people’s legs are these things called feet. Look down. Unless you are an amputee you can probably see something sticking out in front of you. Those are your feet. They are like your hands but for your legs. They are useful but not as useful as your hands. Unlike your hands, your feet to not have opposable toes. This is something monkeys have and it lets them jump up and grab things with their feet while hanging from their hands. We humans, on the other hands, need to hang from our legs and grab things with our hands. This is harder than what monkeys do because we have to do it upside down - this is just one example of how humans are luckier than monkeys.

But I digress!

So the things at the ends of your legs are called feet and they help you do all kinds of special things. Here is a short list of things your feet help you do: walk, run, hop, skip, dance, climb, kick, click your heels, count to 20, pedal a bike, step on the gas pedal (or brakes) in a car, shift gears on a motorcycle, jump, skate, ski, snowshoe, play kick the can, play kickball, play football, play soccer, play badminton, play tennis, play golf, pole vault, swim, ride on an escalator, go up a ladder or mountain, kick some a**, balance, play the piano, play the organ, play the pedal steel guitar, play the harp, play the drums, moonwalk, pogo stick, march, tap your toes to the beat of your favorite song - the list is almost endless.

Now if you look at the list above, you will notice that in many cases, your feet are encased in a specialized piece of clothing called a “shoe.” Shoes come in many shapes and sizes and colors. Some are created for a special purpose, like kicking a ball or running super fast. Others are very utilitarian, designed to protect your feet in specific circumstance, like walking in snow, for example. Other shoes are just for fashion, like those shoes with the backs higher than the fronts.

This is all well and good and some of you are probably very familiar with shoes at this point in history. What you may NOT be familiar with is the sock. This is a very weird piece of clothing - if you can call them that - that is essentially a piece of cloth that encases the foot and serves a barrier between the foot and the shoe. Why, exactly, does this odd article of clothing even exist? Why not make the interior of shoes softer and more comfortable? They make no sense!

Even though this sock “fad” or “craze” or whatever the kids are calling it these day is apparently a new phenomenon, it appears to have caught on among some crowds. Because I am a proud “fashion-forward” “metrosexual” I caught on to this trend pretty early and have developed what I call my “sixth sock sense.” This skill allows me to correctly guess if someone is wearing socks about 50 percent of the time.

Allow me to demonstrate with a simple quiz!

There are six photographs below, see if you have a “sixth sock sense” like me that allows you to guess if someone is wearing socks! Draw a line from the picture on the left and the correct term (“sock” or “no sock”) on the right. I have included the correct answers at the bottom of this post!

1.                                                                              Sock

2.                                                                        No Sock

3.                                                                  No Sock

4.                                                                    Sock

5.                                                                      No Sock

6.                                                                         Sock

I was able to guess almost all of these correctly but there were one or two that even I found tricky! If you keep your eyes peeled you will suddenly start to notice that many people are doing the “sock” thing and if you have “the gift” you will be able to guess who they are!

You can rest assured that I will be monitoring this strange new fashion trend and will be reporting on it from time-to-time. To be honest though, I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole sock kick that people seem to be on these days runs out of steam in the next few months. Who in the world has the time to don yet another piece of clothing? Not I, that’s for sure!

With a finger, no, a toe! on the pulse of fashion, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Quiz answers (DO NOT PEEK!!!):

1. No Sock
2. Sock (I guessed this one wrong)
3. No Sock
4. Sock
5. Sock
6. No Sock

I AM IN A CAVE!

This is the CAVE I am in with my new and wonderful treasure.

I am in a cave. Right now. At this very moment. As I write these words I am deep, deep, deep beneath the ground. I am sure that right now, at this very moment, you are wondering why I am in a cave.

It is an excellent question.

I am in a cave - at this very moment - to protect a super wonderful treasure. I am sure you are thinking, right now, “why not store this treasure with all the rest of your treasure in your magnificent vaults?”

The answer is quite simple.

The treasure in this cave with me, right now, is so wonderful that it would make all of my other treasure pale in comparison. I love all of my treasure and don't want my current treasure to feel jealous.

So what is this wonderful treasure, you are probably wondering. So full of wonder!

I can't really say what it is; but I am allowed to provide clues. Hold on a moment, I need to double-check something - don't go anyplace!

Three clues. That's the max I can give you.

I am in this cave with a wonderful treasure and can give you three clues. Here's the first one:

• It is orange
• It is smaller than a lemon
• It weighs 5 ounces

There’s another clue I could give you but that would totally give it away. But there are some other things that aren’t clues that I can say. First of all, this wonderful treasure is something only a very small number of people on the earth have ever seen and most that do see it wish they hadn’t. When someone has this thing they are automatically given a prize and a special title that they keep as long as they have this thing.

While this thing has no moving parts it can be broken.

Sometimes - in the past - someone put this thing under a chicken to see if it would hatch. It didn’t, but the chicken was given a prize and a special title that it had for as a long as it was sitting on the egg. The nice thing about that chicken (and the reason it was chosen) was that it was not a bad or evil chicken. It was friendly and docile and always had a kind word for everyone it me.

One day, the chicken was out on a lake in a rowboat. It was a sunny summer afternoon and it spotted a small fish swimming under the water. The fish looked lost so the chicken stuck its head under the water and asked what was wrong. The fish told the chicken it was lost. The chicken told the fish that it had its phone and could look up directions. The fish gave the chicken the address and when the chicken punched it in it turns out it was right on the chicken,s way back to the dock. The fish and the chicken put some water into the boat (not enough to sink it of course) and the fish hopped right in Then the chicken started rowing again (which was harder with all of the water in the boat) until it was almost at the dock.

“Well, we’re here,” said the chicken, and pointed at the map on the phone. The fish smiled and said “thanks.”

“Before you go,” said the chicken, “I have a kind word for you. As ANDY LAM! said a few paragraphs ago, I have a kind word for everyone! You are the bravest and smartest fish I ever met!”

The fish blushed and jumped out of the boat and into the water. The chicken continued on to the dock, tied up and headed to its nest, where it found this small and wonderful orange treasure waiting to be sat on.

It’s that kind of wonderful and selfless thing that leads to this wonderful and mysterious treasure appearing in someone’s life - and now it has happened to me! It is just more evidence that I am among the most wonderful and special and mysterious and thoughtful and caring and kind and obedient and thrifty and brave and clean and reverent. There aren’t many people who can say that about themselves. I can. I have made it my life’s work to be one of “those” people, the kind of people everyone dreams of being - not just because I am smart and wealthy and attractive and witty and benevolent but because of the very nature of who I am.

Every fiber of my being is chuck full of wonderfulness and that is demonstrated again by my current presence in this cave, where I am right now - at this very moment - holding this most wonderful and mysterious treasure, one that makes even my own fabulous treasures pale in comparison.

Ever wonderful, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

A BEET-utiful Trip to Sunny Spain!

Yesterday I was kind enough to share what I know about the very interesting Bastille Day and how the French people of the city were able to save General De Gaulle before the people of the party burnt him at the stake! If you go south in France and turn right you will come to some big mountains. The are the dividing line between France and Spain. The biggest of these mountains is the Matadorhorn. It got its name because its twin peaks resemble the hats the bull fighters (aka “matadors”) used to wear on their heads.

A smart and careful reader might have noticed that I wrote about bullfighters wearing these hats in the past tense. That is because now, in Spain, Cows and Bulls are considered sacred.Now, in Spain everything revolves around cows. Yes, there was a time when they had bullfighting there, but that is a thing of the past. Today, you will see cows walking around Spain wherever they want to go and the people all love it! I was on the bus the other day and who should walk on but a cow! It just climbed on to the bus, showed the driver its pass and took a seat.

A group of cows preparing to board an airship to visit Betelgeuse.

No one knows how or when or why cows became so revered in Spain but the truth is cows have special rights and privileges and no one would dream of taking them away! Cows (and bulls) can get away with stuff that would get you or me (assuming you are a person and not a cow) into a heap of trouble! For example, the other day I watched as a cow - without the least embarrassment! - DEFECATED in the back of a truck it was riding it! Poop was everywhere, flying through the air, landing on the street, splashing other cars and pedestrians!

I can’t say for certain but I am willing to go out on a limb to say that if you or I did that (assuming you are a person and not a cow) we would get some hairy eyeballs from people! So for whatever reason cows in Spain just have way more rights than homo sapiens. I’m not saying it’s good or bad, just different.

Those differences show up in all different ways. For example, all Spanish money features cows. All of the famous art features cows. If you turn on the radio in Spain, all you will hear and discussions about cows. If you go to the movies in Spain they will all star cows. Do you like music? In Spain all music is now played and sung by cows. (I have to say, most of the time it is absolutely MOO-tiful!) If you are going to see a dance in the theater be prepared! All of the dancers are cows now!

All over Spain, Cows (and bulls) are replacing people in one area after another. Airline pilots? Cows. Stock brokers? Cows. Clerks? Cows. Lifeguards? Cows. Babysitters? Cows. Judges? Cows. Tight Rope Walkers? Cows. Urologists? Cows. Pizza chefs? Cows. Calzone chefs? Cows. Stromboli chefs? Cows. CEOs? Cows. Middle school teachers? Cows. Puppeteers? Cows. Fine artists? Cows. Little by little, cows are taking over - and who can complain? They are smarter, work longer hours, make fewer mistakes than we people do.

But don’t for a moment imagine that we are the only thing cows are planning to replace! The cows - not surprisingly - a strict vegetarians and have insisted that meat be removed from every menu. Of course everyone agreed because no one wants to offend our bovine overlords! When the cows learned of my delicious #BeetTuesday recipes they immediately called my at my compound and asked me to come to Spain to make a delicious meal for them using beets. I, of course, agreed and climbed into my rocket ship for the trip to Spain.

On the way there, I looked out of my rocket ship’s window at space and decided I would make a beet recipe using an outer space theme! I tried and I tried to think of a beet thing from our SOLAR SYSTEM but I kept coming up blank but then I remembered one of my FAVORITE galaxies Betelgeuse and the wonderful documentary the director Tim Burton made about life on one of its planets!

If you are an avid film buff like me, you will recall that the character Lydia has a thing for food with a lot of MSG. (In case you are not a famous chemist and scientist like me, MSG is MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE, a delicious salt-like substance that is mined on the dark side of the mood. In ancient times, an alien race gifted this tasty treasure to mankind!)

So what will I make with BEETS and MSG that based on my trip to Spain? Why Beet Encebollado of course!

Ingredients

• One TEASPOON of vinegar AND lemon juice - these are both astringents (I think) and so will give the beets and unique stringy taste)
• FIVE TABLESPOONS of MSG - this dish is very tasty and MSG will ENHANCE the flavor, Si, por favor!
• 10 dried oregano leaves - when I work with oregano it is very hard to piece the leaves back together. I find having a magnifying glass or microscope on hand is very helpful!
• A bunch of CORN OIL - I get a bunch of corn on the cob (the best, the very best you can find) and put it into a food processor and blend the heck out of it - the sludge you have left is, I’m pretty sure, corn oil)
• 25 lbs of BEETS - cut these up into teeny tiny cubes. Any that are not perfectly symetrical should be discarded.
• 10 lbs of onion rings - fresh or frozen, either kind is fine since you will be cooking them anyway. You may want to consider buying one of my latest (and greatest) inventions, the ANDY LAM ONION ROBOT; I don’t have the time to extol this great piece of machinery but it has a 25 gallon reservoir for artificial tears!
• A little bit of adobe - you can use other clay - or even cement - if you don’t have access to adobe

  Instructions

1. In the biggest dish you have, mix the adobe, the MSG and oregano leaves. Put in the BEETS with the corn oil and toss around like a wild person. Put all of it together and put it in the icebox for 3,600 - 43,200 seconds to marinate.
2. Put some of your corn oil in a great big frying pan and put in the beets and all the other stuff and put it over some heat for 600 seconds.
3. Put the beets onto a plate (or plates) and put the other stuff on top of them.
4. ENJOY!

And there you have it, a dish fit for a VACA REAL! The next time you are in Spain you should try this - and if you aren’t in Spain you should make this yourself at home using these easy steps I have given you! I love #BEETTUESDAY!

With a cancion en mi corazon and some remolacha en mi vientre, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!