I Am Treasure Hunting!

After losing all of my treasure to the evil egg king, REX OVUM MUNDI I have had to go out to find some more. Treasure is so important to me. Not because I love wealth and the vast power it offers me. No, not at all. I love TREASURE because it makes me happy. That's all. I love big piles of gems and money and paintings and cars and ships and airplanes and coins and stamps and cattle and land and spaceships and pens and fancy cups and glasses and golden forks and knives and vast estates and giant undersea cities and all the rest just because it makes me smile and giggle to myself. Yes, I do actually also love it that I can buy and do anything in the world I want - that is nice too - but I just like the way all of the treasure looks in great big piles.

To get new treasure I have decided to do it alphabetically this time. Starting with Amber - that interesting mineral that is filled with DNA for creating dinosaurs and other monsters from the past. Too many people get all hung up on the money kind of treasure and forget about the scientific wealth that is all around them. I am not some greedy money-grubbing jerk! No! I am a man of science and refinement and so there are things in this universe that are more precious than money and one of those things is ancient DNA.

Some AMBER from my new TREASURE TROVE before I smashed it to get the fly DNA to put into a WORM!

Not only can it be used to recreate dinosaurs and stuff but you can also mix it with today's DNA to create cool new kinds of life that people might find very fun and interesting! I am such a master and working with DNA that this kind of thing is very easy for me. I just get out some of my amber, break it open with a rock or hammer and take out the DNA. Then I put that DNA into a cell and put that cell into whatever I want to change into a new kind of creature. Then, as the animal (or person!) grows the new DNA changes them by giving them the power of the animal whose DNA I used.

For example, the other day I found some amber with a fly in it. I put the fly DNA into a worm and the next thing I knew I had a flying worm! How cool is that?! What might you want a flying worm for? I can think of a few reasons:

• To use as bait to catch flying fish
• To make it easier for birds to eat without having to land on the ground
• To transport worms more easily over long distances
• To make it possible for worms to get off the ground so they don't drown when it rains
• To make my dream of a "worms on demand" bait delivery service a reality
• To create a new and scary plague (they will be much scarier than locusts!)

Too many rich people forget about what is important in life. The love their treasures (and who wouldn't) but they forget how important it is to think about things from a "360" degree perspective. Not me! I think - first, get some amber, next, get the DNA out of the amber, next, put the DNA into a cell, next, create something new and better. Finally, the world becomes a better place. That is why I love my treasure and why and I working so hard to get it back! Starting today with Amber and working my way all the way to zirconium. I will be too busy doing big things with all of my new treasures to write everything about all of them but I will be writing about some of the most stupendous aspects of my new treasure hunt! You will not want to miss it!

Committed to rebuilding my treasure hoard again, I am . . .

ANDY LAM! 

My Nightmare, Part 5!!!!!

So the Egg, he left me alone in the empty treasure vault. Dark. Empty. Scary. All of my treasures taken - and some right from under my nose! It was actually really, really scary. The vault is so far underground that I could hear the spooky sounds of the earth groaning and grinding all around me. With no light and no watch and no clock and no clocktower and no radio and no television the time just C-R-A-W-L-E-D by.

In a half sleep I suddenly snapped awake when the gears that controlled the massive doors began to turn. The room (the vault) was FLOODED with bright white light and the Egg King was carried in on his portable throne. “I still don’t believe that this cave of your’s is going to be that special but I am willing to let you show it to me. But believe me, if I am disappointed you will pay!”

Now it was my turn to play this egg’s game. “Now that you mention it,” I said, “it’s probably no better than all of the millions of other caves you’ve visited. I mean you have visited millions of caves, right?” The egg shifted nervously on his throne. “Why of course you have, silly me,” I continued, “caves with fantastic stalagmites and stalactites, caves with underwater lakes and eyeless fish, caves with glowing walls and roofs, caves filled with incredible art on the walls drawn by artistic cave men and women, caves with buried pirate treasure hidden in them, caves full of forgotten Nazi gold, caves that have been mysteriously lost and found again and again over the years. I’m sure all of these things are just old hat for you old Egg boy.”

Rex Ovum Mundi sat in silence on his silly little throne. “Of course I have,” he said after a spell, “of course I’ve visited a million caves with all of those things. But actually,” he went on, “I haven’t quite visited one million caves. In fact, I am stuck at 999,999 and with just one more I will hit a million and be the most famous egg spelunker in history!”

“Really!,” I shouted, “then we really must go! I would love for MY cave to be the one millionth you’ve visited! Quick, untie me and let me lead the way!” The Egg was crafty. Rather than setting me free he had his troops lift my chair (with me in it!) and began to carry it out of the vault. It took ages. Eggs are very small.

They loaded me into their oddly egg-shaped ship of the sky and flew me the short distance to the clearing near the cave. The struggled to get me out of the small ship and onto the ground.

With much huffing and puffing the eggs finally reached the entrance to the cave. “Well,” I said to Rex, “this is awfully exciting! Your one millionth cave! Let’s go!”

Down, down, down we went. Down a long long shaft. Through long long caverns. Down steep steep tunnels. We reached the GOLDEN DOOR and I suddenly realized my mistake. “Wait a second,” I started to say, “you were trying to get me to bring you here all along! You rotten egg!”

Rex Ovum Mundi cackled like a crazed hen. “Oh my my my Andy Lam,” he said, “you are one dim bulb! Of course this was my goal. I’ve never said it wasn’t. In fact, I’ve said all along that I wanted to get into your cave to steal the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno! Now open this door and let me at it!”

I was aghast and ashamed! I’d been fooled by an egg. Yes, it’s true that he was no mere egg but the Egg King of the World. But I’m ANDY LAM and that means something by gum! As the eggs stood staring at me with the tiny little torches I realized that I was at the end of my line. There was nothing I could do at this point but sit silently waiting to die. It make take years, I thought, but I am not going to let the egg win!

I thought this with a steadfast heart but I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. At a word from their evil leader, the eggs began flinging themselves at me in a pelting storm of shells. As these warriors dashed themselves against me I was soon covered with their dripping whites and yokes. The horror was indescribable! I felt my resolve weakening. As the eggs continued to crack against me, I began to crack as well! I wouldn’t be responsible for this terrible and wanton loss of life.

“Stop!” I cried, “stop! I will let you in! You may have the Orange Egg just stop this useless carnage!” At a word from ROM, the eggs stopped the onslaught. I was untied and led to the golden door. I hesitated for a moment and as I did another egg smashed into the back of my skull. I could feel the still warm entrails run down by spine. I opened the door.

A cheer went up from the eggs and they surged past me into the tabernacle. Like the tide they came, wave after wave into the small room that held the Orange Egg. Rex Ovum Mundi reached out and grasped it in his tiny tiny hands. “MINE!” he shouted, “ALL MINE!”

Everything after that is a blur. Eggs screaming and dashing about in a frenzy. Torches blazing. A malevolent egg doctor looming toward me with a syringe dripping some awful green drug from its sharpened tip. The sudden jab of pain as he drove the needle into my skin. The room and cave spinning around me. Falling . . .

Falling . . .

    Falling . . .

And then it was daytime and I was laying between the cool white sheets of my infirmary. My medical team was there monitoring me from moment-to-moment. I was groggy. I was befuddled. I was confused. I was safe though and in my compound and there was not a single egg in sight. I started to speak. Nurse Dan put a finger to his lip and shushed me. “Not now, Mr. Lam, you need to rest.”

I didn’t argue with him. Instead I let myself drift back to sleep.

That was a week ago. I am finally starting to feel myself again. I know that all of my treasure is gone and that I will need to amass another gigantic fortune before I can undertake fresh adventures - and track down that awful awful egg! It will be done, however, it will be done!

With a festering egg-hate growing deep inside me, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

My Nightmare, Part 4!!!!

The Cave!

Rex and the eggs left me alone in the dark and empty vault for what felt like hours! As I learned later, these miscreants were combing my compound looking for the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno. They ransacked my rec room! They despoiled my den! They plundered my ponds! They scoured my silos! They searched my sun room! They ferreted through my foyer! They looted my loo! They probed my porches! They poked and peered and prodded and scoured and explored and scanned and rifled through every room in my palatial compound; but, of course, they found nothing!

Rex exploring - and ransacking - my compound!

The furious Egg King burst again into the empty treasure chamber and began screaming at me. “Where is it!” he thundered, “where is the holy egg relic which you have stolen!”

Rex Ovum Mundi turns red with rage!

His beady eyes narrowed. “It’s in the cave, I know it!” He had been looking for a map or a clue to find where the cave was located and how to get inside the cave to reach the treasure he believed he would find. Like you, Rex Ovum Mundi is a regular reader of my blog and so he was aware of two caves that I have explored. (These are the treasure cave he was looking for and the other the one I hid in to escape the EVIL.) He changed tactics and suddenly feigned indifference. “Oh well,” he said nonchalantly, “it’s no big deal if we can’t find the cave or the relic. I could hardly care less.”

I don’t know why, but I was convinced. In fact, I was more than convinced. I was suddenly upset that he wasn’t interested in my caves or my super secret and special treasure. “What just a gosh darn minute,” I said, “that cave is pretty darn cool and interesting!”

“Of course you would say that,” the Egg said, “it’s your cave so you have to say it’s cool and interesting. Meh. I’m starting to grow tired of this whole boring exercise.” Boring? Boring? How could anything remotely associated with me - ANDY LAM! - be boring? Impossible.

“Listen Egg,” I said, “I can show you the cave and you’ll see that it isn’t boring at all. In fact, it’s one of the most exciting caves on this planet! If you see it you’ll be amazed and flabbergasted by its wonders!” I was desperate for Rex Ovum Mundi to realize just how un-boring the cave was! “It’s not far from here,” I said, “it’s really no problem to bring you over.”

Rex Ovum Mundi stroked his chin thoughtfully. “I suppose,” he said, “if it’s not too far we could probably go over there some time for a little peek. I don’t know. I’ll have to sleep on it.”

And with that the Egg King turned off the lights in the treasure room and locked the door. Leaving me alone in the dark and wanting more than anything to convince this egg that my cave was really wonderful!

A view of my ruined treasure vault!

Frankly confused by my own behavior and motivation sometimes, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

My Nightmare, Part 3!!!

Waking up with a hangover caused by being tricked into drinking the last two drops of cider made from the apple from the Garden of Eden and tied to a chair wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me that next day. Yes, my head was pounding like the minion blacksmiths of Vulcan (and his minion blacksmiths are nothing if not expert pounders!); no, the worst thing that next morning was to wake up in my treasure vaults and watching the eggs clear out all of my treasures!

I immediately regretted the fact that I had, inadvertently, disclosed the passcodes to all of the many locked and barred doors that protected my most valuable items, including the million pounds of gold - mostly gold bars but also some giant nuggets that I found when I was exploring some abandoned mines in South America once and the pile of rubies that is 10 feet tall and the pile of emeralds that is also 10 feet tall and all of the pearls in my fabled "pearl pit" which is like those really fun ball pits you see at amusement parks or fast food restaurant play areas; but instead of being filled with colorful plastic balls, this one is full of precious pearls and the mountain of Spanish doubloons that is so tall you need an oxygen mask to get to the top. I found these in a bunch of shipwrecks on the bottom of the ocean and the 1000 paintings by very famous painters, mostly they are on velvet which is such a wonderful material for really bringing art to life and the 10,000 suitcases full of money. All kinds of money (except doubloons, which I keep in a mountain) including French Francs, Deutsche Marks, Belgian Francs, Austrian Schillings, Maltese Lira, Greek Drachmas, Dutch Gulden, Cypriot Pounds, Irish Pounds, Portuguese Escudos, Estonian Kroons, Italian Liras, Slovak Korunas, Finnish Markkas, Latvian Lats, Slovenian Tolars, Lithuanian Litas, Spanish Pesetas and Luxembourgian Francs. This money alone is worth so much and the molten platinum in a vat and my collection of luxury fishing lures and my library of the most famous and rare books in the world and the very old food that is bound to be worth something and the very old clothing (mostly from the days of Ancient Egypt) that is bound to be worth something and my collection of vintage powerboats and my fleet of 20 747s (which the eggs had to disassemble to get out of the vault!), and the million bottles of the best wine in the world and the 99 bottles of beer on the wall (which they kept taking down, one by one, and passing around) and the gram of yslthayt (the rarest material in the universe. It hasn't been discovered by earth scientists yet and I had to promise not to show it to anyone for a super long time) and the other mountain of assorted gemstones. I don't know what they are but they are very shiny and very precious and every piece of mail I have ever received and copies of all of the mail I have ever sent, even all of my bills!

As I watch all of these treasure slowly drain away I noticed that Rex Ovum Mundi was becoming increasingly agitated. He was opening each bag of loot, each chest of treasure, each belt of money. I could tell he was searching for something - but what? What could this angry egg be after!?!?!

By dawn the following day, the vaults were bare. The room had been picked clean. There weren’t two coins left to rub together. Rex climbed to the top of a tall step ladder and attempted to loom over me (no small feat for an egg!). “Where is it, blast you,” he shrieked in his brittle little voice, “where is it,” he screamed again and again.

Not knowing what he was referring to I began to answer as best I could.

The Hudson Bay is in Canada. Mount Vesuvius is in Italy. The moon is in orbit around the earth. The goldfish are in the pond. The car is in the garage. The biscuits are in the oven. The children are in the playground. The cows are in the pasture. The passengers are on the platform. The police are at the station. The books are on the shelf. The cushions are on the couch. The pens are in the cup. The forks are in the drawer. The classes are in the main building. The spices are in the rack. The cars are in the garage. The airplanes are in the hanger. The fish are in the sea. The staples are in the drawer. The doilies are in the hutch. The rabbits are in the hutch (but not the same hutch as the doilies). The books are on the shelf. The music is on the stave. The smoke is in the chimney. The ball is in the glove. The frog is in the pond.

I went on and on like this from dawn to dusk, naming and placing some 45,000 items. None of them, however, was what Rex was looking for. He became red and angry again and I could almost see steam coming out of his ears.

“You know what I mean!” he finally shouted, “I’m not interested in your nonsense! Where is the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno?!”

I pressed my lips together tightly and shook my head. The egg glared at me angrily. “Untie my hands,” I told him. The egg motioned to a few of his henchmen. They untied my right hand. I used it to zip my lips and I threw the invisible key far from my chair.

The egg was boiling mad! “You will crack,” he hissed, “you will crack.”

I just shook my head and sat in silence.

After a few hours Rex ran from the room and I was left king of my now stripped domain. Regardless of what this foolish egg might do to me, I was - and would remain and always will be . . .

ANDY LAM!

The #BeetTuesday posts will resume next week, I hope!

What a NIGHTMARE!

Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my! What a NIGHTMARE I have had! I won't be able to recount all of it for you now as I have a very full day of REAL healing to undergo. (Not like the stupid "treatment" I got from the eggs!)

It all started last Tuesday night. There was a KNOCK on the GATE of the BASE. I was in the great hall eating bowl after bowl of wonderful BEETSO soup and sent a squad to investigate. Soon my team returned with armloads and armloads of flats of wonderful looking eggs! On and on they came until the flats of eggs filled the room, thousands of eggs were all around us.

From the hallway leading into the GREAT HALL came the sound of trumpets. An egg honor guard marched in with big brass horns blaring. Behind the horns came rank upon rank of liveried eggs in fantastical uniforms. Behind these ranks came small cars being driven by eggs, doing all kinds of intricate synchronized maneuvers. Finally, a hoard of eggs followed, bearing a paliquin on the peaks of their shells.

One of R.O.M.'s entourage zooming around my compound!

As the paliquin snaked its way through the assembled eggs the horn players began playing what I could tell was a regal fanfare. The continued as the paliquin was set on the floor before the dais upon which and my most trusted deputies sat for our soup. When the curtains were pulled back I beheld the most perfect egg I had ever seen. This egg, I knew immediately, was none other than REX OVUM MUNDI, king egg of the world.

Rex Ovum Mundi

He had come, he explained, to parley. "ANDY LAM," the little egg bellowed in his shill voice, "you have treasure - many treasures - of which there is one that belongs rightly to me!" The eggs all shouted as a rabble is wont to do. "You will return to me this treasure!"

Of course I had no idea what this was about. Yes, it is true that I have many treasures; but I have no treasures that I have not either a) earned through the sweat of my brow, b) discovered during one of my many treasure hunts (all of which have been sanctioned by the International Association of Treasure Seekers), c) won fair and square as compensation for a mighty feat or d) received in lieu of some other form of payment.

As I explained this I could see that the egg king was becoming angry with me. His anger grew and grew and I thought he would soon blow his top. This was not something I wanted to see!

Rex Ovum Mundi is getting angry!

I had a sudden brainstorm. "Dear King," I began soothingly, "It is getting late and you've travelled far to honor my compound with your regal presence. Let us put aside this conversation for the night and enjoy one another's company. We can speak again tomorrow about this treasure you see."

My honeyed words had the desired effect. Rex Ovum Mundy calmed down and was placed on the table at my right hand in a fancy egg cup. The two of us ate the soup and drank together like two old friends. Little did I know that his friendship would prove false and that this night would be the last taste of peace I would have for many days!

Ah, my attendant has arrived and tells me I must break off this account. I shall pick it up soon. Know, however, that I am back! And that I am, as always . . .

ANDY LAM!

I AM IN A CAVE!

This is the CAVE I am in with my new and wonderful treasure.

I am in a cave. Right now. At this very moment. As I write these words I am deep, deep, deep beneath the ground. I am sure that right now, at this very moment, you are wondering why I am in a cave.

It is an excellent question.

I am in a cave - at this very moment - to protect a super wonderful treasure. I am sure you are thinking, right now, “why not store this treasure with all the rest of your treasure in your magnificent vaults?”

The answer is quite simple.

The treasure in this cave with me, right now, is so wonderful that it would make all of my other treasure pale in comparison. I love all of my treasure and don't want my current treasure to feel jealous.

So what is this wonderful treasure, you are probably wondering. So full of wonder!

I can't really say what it is; but I am allowed to provide clues. Hold on a moment, I need to double-check something - don't go anyplace!

Three clues. That's the max I can give you.

I am in this cave with a wonderful treasure and can give you three clues. Here's the first one:

• It is orange
• It is smaller than a lemon
• It weighs 5 ounces

There’s another clue I could give you but that would totally give it away. But there are some other things that aren’t clues that I can say. First of all, this wonderful treasure is something only a very small number of people on the earth have ever seen and most that do see it wish they hadn’t. When someone has this thing they are automatically given a prize and a special title that they keep as long as they have this thing.

While this thing has no moving parts it can be broken.

Sometimes - in the past - someone put this thing under a chicken to see if it would hatch. It didn’t, but the chicken was given a prize and a special title that it had for as a long as it was sitting on the egg. The nice thing about that chicken (and the reason it was chosen) was that it was not a bad or evil chicken. It was friendly and docile and always had a kind word for everyone it me.

One day, the chicken was out on a lake in a rowboat. It was a sunny summer afternoon and it spotted a small fish swimming under the water. The fish looked lost so the chicken stuck its head under the water and asked what was wrong. The fish told the chicken it was lost. The chicken told the fish that it had its phone and could look up directions. The fish gave the chicken the address and when the chicken punched it in it turns out it was right on the chicken,s way back to the dock. The fish and the chicken put some water into the boat (not enough to sink it of course) and the fish hopped right in Then the chicken started rowing again (which was harder with all of the water in the boat) until it was almost at the dock.

“Well, we’re here,” said the chicken, and pointed at the map on the phone. The fish smiled and said “thanks.”

“Before you go,” said the chicken, “I have a kind word for you. As ANDY LAM! said a few paragraphs ago, I have a kind word for everyone! You are the bravest and smartest fish I ever met!”

The fish blushed and jumped out of the boat and into the water. The chicken continued on to the dock, tied up and headed to its nest, where it found this small and wonderful orange treasure waiting to be sat on.

It’s that kind of wonderful and selfless thing that leads to this wonderful and mysterious treasure appearing in someone’s life - and now it has happened to me! It is just more evidence that I am among the most wonderful and special and mysterious and thoughtful and caring and kind and obedient and thrifty and brave and clean and reverent. There aren’t many people who can say that about themselves. I can. I have made it my life’s work to be one of “those” people, the kind of people everyone dreams of being - not just because I am smart and wealthy and attractive and witty and benevolent but because of the very nature of who I am.

Every fiber of my being is chuck full of wonderfulness and that is demonstrated again by my current presence in this cave, where I am right now - at this very moment - holding this most wonderful and mysterious treasure, one that makes even my own fabulous treasures pale in comparison.

Ever wonderful, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!