Introducing the ANDY LAM SUPERSHOES!

Negotiating this confusing terrain is no problem for the ANDY LAM SUPERSHOES!

Over the years I have created many fantastical articles of clothing. There have been my Dancing Pants and my Second Skin to name just a few; but now I have done something really special: The ANDY LAM SUPERSHOES! These are a new kind of shoe and they do even more than ordinary shoes. Do they protect your feet from sharp objects on the ground? Yes they do! Do they provide grip and traction when walking or climbing or running? Yes they do! Do they provide adequate arch support to make it feel like you’re walking on clouds even if you’ve been on your feet all day? Yes they do! Do they have built in LED directional indicators that you control with your toes so people behind you know when you are going to turn right or left? Yes they do! To they have tiny pop-up headlights that you control with your toes so you can see in front of you even in the darkest of nights? Yes they do! Do they have a bluetooth connection to your phone (or other similar device) so you can monitor the temperature and humidity inside  your shoe? Yes they do! Do they “interface” with popular map apps so they vibrate to tell you to turn right or left when walking so  you don’t get lost? Yes they do! Do they keep track of the steps you take so you can throw away your old fashioned “fitness” tracker? Yes they do! Do they notice when you are starting to move more sluggishly and guide you a place to get a snack or a drink? Yes they do! Do they keep track of every place you go so you can go there again if you need to? Yes they do! Do they have an ear-shattering klaxxon that you can be activated with your toes in case you are in trouble? Yes they do! Do they transmit your location to a special tracking squad at your compound so you can be quickly located in case of abduction? Yes they do! Do they automatically adjust the tension around your foot based on current walking conditions? Yes they do! To they have an infrared camera for detecting fresh animal feces in your path and steer you around it so you do step in it? Yes they do! Do they have powerful jets built into the soles so you can fly over obstacles in your path? Yes they do! Do they have a built in police/fire scanner so they can alert you to trouble so you can be guided there to save the day? Yes they do! Do they have blue and red pop up LEDs on the toes so those around you can know that you are an emergency responder and are on your way to an emergency? Yes they do! Do they have a tiny pop-up siren to clear your path if you are running to an emergency? Yes they do! Do they have a built in WiFi? Yes they do? Do they have the ability to pre-program your favorite food orders at your favorite fast food restaurants so they can automatically order as soon as you walk in the door so you don’t have to wait around as long? Yes they do? Do they come with canned responses to text messages so you can respond by pressing your toes down in a certain order to send specific messages so you don’t have to use your fingers on your phone? Yes they do! Do they have the ability to detect gas leaks in your vicinity or the presence of poison gasses or nerve agents? Yes they do? Do they have Safety First technology that detects dangers (through a combination of sensors and the police/fire scanners) and steers you around them? Yes they do? Do they have Edge-Detect to keep you from falling off cliff, buildings or other high places? Yes they do! Do they have Magnet-O-Grip that keeps you stuck to metal so you can do things like walk up the side of a building? Yes they do! Do they have really nice reflectors so people can see you at night if you don’t have the toe-lights on? Yes they do! Do they detect when you are walking on snow or ice and automatically deploy ice spikes or snow shoes? Yes they do! Do they come with a large variety of funny sound effects that you can turn on and off with your toes to make people smile and laugh as you walk around? Yes they do! Do they have super-powerful speakers that connect to your phone so you can listen to - and share! - you favorite music wherever you go? Yes they do! Do they automatically adjust your steps to keep you walking to the beat of the music you are listening to through the build in speakers? Yes they do! Do they have color changing LEDs all over so you can change the color of the shoes to match your attire or the landscape you are walking through? Yes they do! Do they emit (at your discretion) a range of noises to keep dogs, cats, mice, rats, bears, snakes, lions, elephants, wildebeests, tigers, Komodo Dragons, bob cats, pumas, leopards, hyenas, sloths and other dangerous animals away? Yes they do! Do they have a bunch of pre-recorded conversations so it sounds like you are walking with a group of people so people around you think you have a bunch of invisible friends? Yes they do? Do they come with embedded payment technology so you can just lift your foot to the counter at drug store or grocery store or liquor store or bookstore or record store or barber shop or flower shop or antique store or any other place and pay without having to take out your phone or wallet? Yes they do! Do they emit loud chips when you walk backwards so people know to step aside? Yes they do! Do they automatically make you walk faster or slower when you are going to be early or late for an appointment so that you arrive right on time? Yes they do? Do they recognize a whole range of voice commands, like “turn right” or “turn left” or “run” or “walk slowly” so they help you do those things automatically? Yes they do! Do they have the ability to play your fanfare as you enter a ballroom to accept an award or prize? Yes they do! Do they have a way to tell you the name of the song that’s playing wherever you walk? Yes they do! Do they come with a field guide to birds, mammals, insects, fish and amphibians? Yes they do! Do they have a built-in fire extinguisher? Yes they do! Do they have Sure-Grip technology to help you climb stairs and ladders more safely? Yes they do! Do they have inflatable pontoons and tiny propellers that let you walk across the water? Yes they do! Do they have EZ-Autotie laces that tie themselves if your hands are full? Do they come with a guide to selecting the perfect wine for a meal? Yes they do! Do they detect other people wearing a pair of ANDY LAM SUPERSHOES so you can walk together and feel cool? Yes they do! Do they have many other super features that I haven’t listed here because they are classified and the stupid government says I can’t tell people about them? Yes they do!

In short, these shoes - these ANDY LAM SUPERSHOES - are the best and most super shoes that have ever been imagined in the whole history of the world. I am very proud of them and wear them all the time. Since I have started wearing them my life - which is really very wonderful - has become even MORE wonderful and I am happier, healthier and more satisfied than I have ever been in my entire life!

With shoes EVERYONE will want to walk a mile in, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!