Etruscan-Style Beet Balls!

A very old statue, maybe of my ETRUSCAN ancestor!

Good friends and fellow inhabitants of this planet Earth! I write today as I do every Tuesday to bring you the glad tiding of #BeetTuesday. This is, as you no doubt know, a celebration of this most noble of all root vegetables! The lord of the beta vulgaris clan! The monarch of the conditiva kingdom!

Is there any sight that can cause tears to well up faster than a freshly pulled beet? Still clodded with dark rich Earth! Longing to be sliced and made into any of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 delicious recipes? Obviously the answer is”no” or I wouldn't have asked the question. For a man of my ilk and standing (and now FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD) to devote even a fraction of my mighty mind to a subject automatically confers incredible weight and gravitas and importance to said subject, which, in this case is beets.

For today's delicious concoction I rifled through a million musty manuscripts all faded and mottled with mold until I found just what I was looking for! An ancient Etruscan recipe that has certainly passed through millions of hands from the olden days to today. I think once you have tried it you will be pleasantly amazed!

Why an Etruscan recipe? Why that's easy! I have learned that I may be Etruscan! In my imagination I remembered being in the land of Etrusca (wherever that is!) and eating these delicious beetballs. They were so good and I felt right at home eating them! Therefore, I deduced, I must be Etruscan myself. I am going to learn more about my heritage soon I hope!

In the meantime, get ready for some beetballs!

Ingredients

• A bunch of beets - I usually start with 1300 or 1500.
• Ibix blood - a few pints should be enough. If you don't have access to Ibix blood here's a workaround that I use: buy a jar of pickles. Throw away the pickles but keep the brine. Mix in some red food coloring. Easy!
• Two lbs of sawdust - the finest you can afford.
• A lot of herbs and spices - everyone has their favorites but I use anise, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, fennel, mace, sugar (use beet sugar if you can get it) and marijuana. At least a half a lbs of each.

Instructions

1. Chop down the oldest tree you can find.
2. Cut the tree into segments about 20 feet long.
3. Hollow out the segments.
4. Stand them up so the open end is facing the sky.
5. Go get a ladder.
6. Climb the ladder.
7. Evenly divide all you beets.
8. Throw some of the beets into the hollowed out tree segments.
9. Pour in you Ibix blood (or red pickle juice).
10. Pour in the sawdust.
11. Add the herbs and spices.
12. Get a power auger.
13. S-L-O-W-L-Y lower the business end of the auger into one of the hollowed out tree segments and turn it on. Lift and drop it into the hollowed out tree segments again and again. (The goal is to turn the ingredients into a thick purple slurry.)
14. Let this slurry sit overnight.
15. The next morning, build a giant fire.
16. Using a melon scoop, form the purple slurry into dainty morsels.
17. Place the purple morsels into a pan. Whatever kind you have will be fine.
18. Put the pan of purple morsels into the fire.
19. Count slowly to 600.
20. Remove the pan.
21. Now the purple slurry will have hardened into delectable beet balls!

Now you will note that I haven't used many modern appliances. That is because I wanted to share with you the Etruscan way from the olden days. If you want you can use kitchen stuff I guess but I don't think the beet balls will taste as good.

So there you have it! An authentic recipe for beet balls. I have made this thousands of times and people totally ADORE them to pieces! I hope your friends will be delighted by this ancient Etruscan dish!

Loving every minute of #BeetTuesday, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!