Cloudward Bound!

A photo of me in the sky like a cloud!

Like most great men, I - ANDY LAM! - often find my inspiration in nature. I do not mean in the way that a 19th century romantic poet may have done (although I am famed both for my romantic nature AND for my wonderful poetry skills) but rather in the way that scientists may find their inspiration in the nature that lays before them. Also like many great men, I have been bitten by the bug of flight but have become BORED with the various approaches available to me: Airplanes? Boring! Kites? Boring! Jetpacks? Boring! Hot air balloons? Boring! Dirigibles? Boring! Helicopters? Boring! Gyrocopters? Boring! Gliders? Boring! Those weird pedal-powered things? Boring! Rockets? NOT boring but also not good for short distances! A bunch of helium balloons? Boring! A flock of birds tied to a basket? Boring!

You see, most of the ways of flying really are boring. But would happen if someone super-smart like me looked at this problem with fresh eyes? Well, that is just what I have done and I have come up with a way to fly that is not boring. First, I thought about boats. The are very heavy and yet they do not sink. I have looked for some reason for this to be the case but after pouring through literally a million books and papers I find no logical explanation for this seemingly impossible fact. Somehow, something that SHOULD sink to the bottom of the sea is able to bob around like an apple in a pail of water. What, I wondered, would happen if you put something in the air that should fall up into the sky and it didn’t fall but floated and bobbed around like an apple in a pail of water? That was the question I set myself to solve.

In looking up in the air I see that there are many things that are heavy that fly around: airplanes, kites, jetpacks, hot air balloons, dirigibles, helicopters, gyrocopters, gliders, those weird pedal-powered things, rockets, helium balloons and birds call came to my mind but they are all boring. I wanted something that wasn’t boring and then it hit me - there are already giant NATURAL things that are in the sky. Do you know what I am talking about? Let me give you some clues: they are white. They are giant. They are fluffy. Yes, if you guessed clouds you would have guessed right! Clouds became my inspiration!

I set out to study clouds. This meant going into the sky. I had to use a boring thing (in this case a flock of birds tied to a basket) to get up to see the clouds up close and personal. The birds flew and flew, I had a whip to make them go but didn’t need to use it, they knew just what I was trying to do and they zoomed me up up up up up up up into the sky to the clouds. There was a really good one that we flew to and I looked at it very closely. I could see that it was truly gigantic, that is was white and it was fluffy. We went into the cloud. It was wet inside and grey. I made a lot of notes in my notebook and told the birds to bring me back to the ground.

When we landed I knew what I needed to do. Step one: Make myself truly gigantic. This was not hard. I simply asked my engineers to make a machine that would make me gigantic. They worked on it for a while and came up with a brilliant idea. They made a machine that had a beam or a ray and when they fired the beam or ray at me I started to grow. I grew and grew and grew and grew and grew until I was the size of a mountain I think. Even though I was big, I was still my normal self and they said my mass to volume ratio or something was perfect for being a cloud. It was true! I could float very easily! I was gigantic and that made me happy.

Next I needed to be white. I don’t mean caucasian but really really white. Guess what? That was super easy too! All I needed to do was get a bunch of White Out (which there is a lot of left over since people switched to writing on computers instead of typewriters!) which I got for a really good price. I stood in the field near my compound and stripped off all of my clothes. My team put ladders all around me so they could reach me since I was so gigantic and they started to paint me with the White Out. It took a very very long time since White Out only comes with a teeny tiny brush and there was a lot of me to cover. They were troopers though and eventually got the job done.

So now I was giant and white. There was only one thing left to do: I needed to be fluffy. Fluffy. Fluffy. What would make me fluffy? Why cotton balls of course! I sent a team of shoppers to the drug store and told them to buy all of the cotton balls they could find. And some glue. They ended up having to go to a lot of drug stores to get enough cotton balls to cover me and make me fluffy like a cloud. They did it though and soon they were back on the ladders gluing the cotton balls all over me! (Now I probably should have thought about this a little harder a little sooner because I could have saved time and money (but I have so much of that that it hardly matters) by thinking of a way to make myself white AND fluffy at the same time and I think the cotton balls could have done that. Live and learn I always say!)

Finally they were done. I was gigantic, white and fluffy - just like a cloud. It was time to test my theory! I jumped as high as I could and, just as I expected, I soared into the sky! I was floating as happily as a cloud, drifting high above the ground. Down on the earth I could see people and cities and trees and roads and buildings and cars and baseball diamonds and football fields and rivers and tennis courts and parking lots and shopping centers and rocks and schools and factories and farms and bridges and ships and trains and everything!! It was amazing!

I floated like this for a long time. I was having the time of my life up there in the sky! When I was bored I decided to come back down to the earth. That was easy too! I just turned over and pointed down and started to “swim” through the sky back to the earth. When I got there I started pulling the cotton balls off. Then I went to the ocean and sat in it to wash off the White Out. Then I asked my engineers to change the machine that made me gigantic so it could make me my normal size again. They twisted a bunch of knobs and flicked a bunch of switches and when the ray or beam hit me this time I shrank back to my normal size. Then I got dressed.

It was a pretty amazing adventure and a pretty amazing scientific achievement. I will probably be on the cover of a bunch of magazines and stuff since I was the person who had the amazing scientific adventure. Sometimes it’s hard to be a great scientist and explorer and adventurer and artist and everything else I am great at but when you get to do something like this - fly in the sky in a way that isn’t boring - it’s all worth it!

Back on the ground but with my head still in the clouds, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

A Visit to My Vault!

One Ethiopian Birr, just one part of my fabulous wealth!

Yesterday I was talking to someone. This is something I think I do most days. In fact, if I think about it, every day since I was able to talk (which I can't remember because I think I was probably a baby at the time) I have spoken and/or been spoken to. This is the natural order of things for people like me, who have a fully-functional vocal tract and ears. So, as I was saying, I was talking to someone yesterday and the subject of PRECIOUS stones and metals came up. It reminded me of the fantastic treasures I have safely tucked away in the vaults deep beneath my compound and I decided that I ought to visit my vaults to roll around in all of my fantastic wealth and treasure!

Now I am not going to tell you how to get into my vault because to do so would risk someone sneaking in in the middle of the night, probably dressed in black and tip-toeing like a cat burglar, and stealing all of my wonderful coins and gems and jewels and gold bars and all of the other super valuable things I have down there. While I am not going to tell you how to get into the vaults I am going to tell you about my trip to them and all of the fun I had!

First I went over to the barn. That is where the entrance to the vaults is located. Not in the barn itself but in the silo that's right next to the barn. There's a ladder that goes up the side of the silo and I had to climb that first (yes, sometimes you need to go UP to go DOWN!). To get to the ladder this is a key pad you need to use. I pressed in the code: 5-5-5-5 and the metal grate at the base of the ladder opened. I began the climb. It was important for me to remember that every red rung on the ladder was a dummy rung and if I put any weight on one of them it would give way and I would fall. It's a simple but effective security measure!

At the top of the silo ladder there is a platform with a door - and another keypad! I pressed in the code: 5-5-5-5 (I use that for most things since it's so easy for me to remember!). With a quiet whirr, the door on the platform slid open and I stepped into what I like to call my "grain elevator!" (you see, because it's an elevator in a silo that's full of grain, get it!) and punched in the code: 5-5-5-5 to unlock the elevator. Then I pressed the floor button. To trick people, I have a lot of buttons on the elevator control panel, mostly numbers but a few letters and a couple of symbols as well. Unless someone presses the right one (the one with the $) the elevator is locked and an alarm sounds and my security team arrives in no time flat!

I pressed the button with the $ and the elevator began to go down. It takes several minutes because the elevator starts way up above the ground (at the top of the silo) and has to go deep underground (to the vaults. In order to open the elevator door I pressed in the code - you guessed it - 5-5-5-5! Stepping out of the elevator there is a long corridor with bare light bulbs hanging every five feet or so. Along the corridor - which is bare concrete - are plain metal doors. Each door has a number and each number is "5." I did this to confuse people even more.

In order not to confuse myself I had the door to the treasure room painted green with a big gold $ on it. I walked to that door and entered the code (5-5-5-5) to unlock it. The door unlocked and I stepped into the vault. I have one of the most ingenious things in the vault - a "sensor" that "detects" motion and "turns on" the lights automatically. This labor-saving device lets me see in the vault without having to flick the switch that is next to the door.

When the lights came on I was able to behold my treasures! Let me list them here for you to be boggled by!

• A million pounds of gold - mostly gold bars but also some giant nuggets that I found when I was exploring some abandoned mines in South America once.
• A pile of rubies that is 10 feet tall.
• A pile of emeralds that is also 10 feet tall.
• My fabled "pearl pit" which is like those really fun ball pits you see at amusement parks or fast food restaurant play areas; but instead of being filled with colorful plastic balls, this one is full of precious pearls!
• A mountain of Spanish doubloons that is so tall you need an oxygen mask to get to the top. I found these in a bunch of shipwrecks on the bottom of the ocean.
• 1000 paintings by very famous painters, mostly they are on velvet which is such a wonderful material for really bringing art to life.
• 10,000 suitcases full of money. All kinds of money (except doubloons, which I keep in a mountain) including French Francs, Deutsche Marks, Belgian Francs, Austrian Schillings, Maltese Lira, Greek Drachmas, Dutch Gulden, Cypriot Pounds, Irish Pounds, Portuguese Escudos, Estonian Kroons, Italian Liras, Slovak Korunas, Finnish Markkas, Latvian Lats, Slovenian Tolars, Lithuanian Litas, Spanish Pesetas and Luxembourgian Francs. This money along is worth so much!
• A huge vat of molten platinum (I like to be sure to have some liquid assets!)
• My collection of fishing lures.
• A library of the most famous and rare books in the world.
• Some very old food that is bound to be worth something.
• Some very old clothing (mostly from the days of Ancient Egypt) that is bound to be worth something.
• A collection of vintage powerboats.
• My fleet of 20 747s. Unfortunately, because they are all in the vault and I can't get them out I can't actually use them anymore :-(.
• One million bottles of the best wine in the world.
• 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
• A gram of yslthayt (the rarest material in the universe. It hasn't been discovered by earth scientists yet and I had to promise not to show it to anyone for a super long time).
• Another mountain of assorted gem stones. I don't know what they are but they are very shiny and very precious.
• Every piece of mail I have ever received and copies of all of the mail I have ever sent, even all of my bills!

I would go on but I realize it may seem like I am bragging about my tremendous wealth and treasures. That is the LAST thing I want to do! I am, as you probably have guessed by now, one of the most humble people in the world, no - the solar system, no - the galaxy, no - the galactic cluster, no - the universe, no - the multiverse, no - all time and space, forward and backward, folded and unfolded. It also happens that I am tremendously blessed with riches that exceed the collective wealth of the entire planet for all time. But I don't let it go to my head!

With WAY more than two coins to run together, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Beet Wellington Baby!

Beets for BEET WELLINGTON!

I knew this was coming and I'll bet you knew this was coming too! This week for #BeetTuesday I have the mother of all beet dishes - the fantastic BEET WELLINGTON! That's right, I - ANDY LAM! - am going to walk you through the steps to make this EXQUISITE dish. I am not going to pretend I know a lot about the history of the past but I am pretty sure that this dish was served at the BATTLE OF WATERLOO to NAPOLEON! He liked it so much, I hear, that he made it the official dinner at his island getaway!

Now you too can eat like an EMPEROR thanks to me, ANDY LAM!, and my amazing beet recipes! In Napoleon's lingo, which I understand was FRENCH, BEETS are called BEETERAVE! How funny is that? It's like BEETS getting a RAVE review, which is exactly what you will get when you serve this amazing dish to your friends and family and co-workers and bus drivers and char woman and fisherman and the paperboy and the little milk boys and girls and anyone else that you want to really impress.

Some people say this is a hard recipe to cook. Anyone who says that just doesn't know what the fudge they are talking about! This is as easy as pie to whip up in no time flat! Let's get started, shall we?

Ingredients

• 2.5 lbs. of tender, tender beets! - I think I have talked about tenderizing beets in the past. Whatever I said, you should do it. If I didn't say anything about it in the past here's what I'm saying today: take the beets and put them in a bag (it doesn't matter what kind). Now put the bag in a cement mixer. Now put some frozen peas in the cement mixer. Now turn it on. Wait a long time. Turn off the cement mixer. Take out the bag of beets. You can either eat the frozen peas or throw them away or give them to your hogs or chickens, it's really up to you.
• Lots and lots of butter. At least a stick of butter I think. Some of it has to be soft. Guess what? You can tenderize butter the same way you do beets. Put the butter in a bag (it doesn't matter what kind). Now put the bag in a cement mixer. Now put some frozen peas in the cement mixer. Now turn it on. Wait a long time. Turn off the cement mixer. Take out the bag of butter. You can either eat the frozen peas or throw them away or give them to your hogs or chickens, it's really up to you.
• One onion. Chop it up but be sure to do it when you are alone or people might think you are a cry baby. This has become a real issue for me and it is not good when a jerk like Bill-Beau thinks you are a cry baby and tells everyone that you are. What a jerk!
• A glass of mushrooms. Some people use a cup. I drink tea and coffee out of cups. A glass of mushrooms makes more sense. To fit them in the glass you will need to chop them into very small pieces. The nice thing about cutting mushrooms is that it won't make you cry so you can do it when people are around.
• 2 ounces of liver pate. What? Liver pate? What does that even mean? Your pate is the top of your head and your liver is in your stomach. (Not that I would suggest using your own liver!) I went to the farm and asked Farmer Grace for a liver. She looked at me kind of cock-eyed and sidled up right next to me. She whispered, "so, you want a liver? meet me behind the barn at midnight." I was confused but I trust Farmer Grace! At midnight I made my way back to the barn and went around back. There was a circle of people there, all dressed in black robes. On the ground in the middle of the circle was a fancy star with candles at each point. In the middle there was a goat. The goat was bleating and crying and it was tied to a post. Farmer Grace motioned for me to stand behind her and the circle of people all started to chant and murmur. Suddenly, two of the robed figures leapt upon the goat and lifted it above their heads. Farmer Grace stepped forward and pulled a large stone dagger from beneath her robes. There was fire in her eyes as she lifted the knife above her head and plunged it into the throat of the writhing animal! Blood sprayed everywhere and the circle of people went mad with ecstasy! The goat's carcass was thrown to the ground and Farmer Grace knelt over it, her knife again held high! With the swift and sure moves of a surgeon, Farmer Grace had opened the still-warm cadaver, she plunged her arms into its body cavity and rooted around. Suddenly, she pulled her bloodied arms from the goat and held a shapeless lump of flesh aloft! "Behold," she said, "I give you the liver of our dear slain goat!" I thanked her and put it into a bag and brought it back to the kitchen. Next I summoned Bald Moe. "Moe," I said, "I think I'm supposed to cut off your scalp for the BEET WELLINGTON recipe I'm making but I don't that would be very nice for you." He told me he didn't think so either and asked if maybe we could not cut off his scalp. Instead, he agreed that I could put the liver on his head until I asked for it back. Bald Moe is really smart!
• Salt and Pepper - as much or as little as you like, it's really up to you and your own particular taste buds.
• A pound of frozen puff pastry that is not frozen. How does this work? Either something is frozen or it isn't. And another thing, what is Puff Pastry? I didn't listen to the recipe here and you shouldn't either. Instead I got some frozen cookie dough, it's really good!
• One egg - just the yellow part - beaten. How do you beat up an egg? They are so small and fragile! (Except for REX OVUM MUNDI!) I couldn't bring myself to hit it so instead I decided to soften it up. First, I put the egg in a bag (it doesn't matter what kind). Then I put the bag in the cement mixer. Then I put some frozen peas in the cement mixer with the bag with an egg in it. Then I turned on the cement mixer and let it run for a long time. Then I turned off the cement mixer. Then I took out the bag with the egg in it. You can either eat the frozen peas or throw them away or give them to your hogs or chickens, it's really up to you.
• A can of beer. The recipe I was using said a can of beef broth but no thank you! I'll stick with beer and I suggest you do too!
• Two glasses of red wind! If beer is good then wine is probably good too. I say two glasses because I like to drink one while I am cooking! Silly me!

Directions

Now is when the magic happens!

Step 1: Heat your over to about 500 degrees Kelvin. Put the tender, tender beets in a teeny tiny baking dish and put some of the soft butter on top. Put it into the hot, hot over. Keep it in there until it turns brown (about 750 seconds). Take the pan out of the over and take the beets out of the pan. Just put them on the counter or something. Keep the sludgy stuff that is in the pan.
Step 2: Put some butter in a pan and put the pan on the stove and turn the heat up to medium. Now put in the onions and the mushrooms and stir them all around for 300 seconds. Take the pan off of the stove and put it out in the snow to cool.
Step 3: Get the liver from Bald Moe's head, along with more of your butter! Smear the liver onto the beets that are there on the counter. Go out and get the onions and mushrooms from the snow. Put them on top of the liver and beet mess.
Step 4: Get the cookie dough and put it on the counter near the beets, liver and other stuff. Use a rolling pin to made the cookie dough into a big flat sheet. Once you do that move it to a cookie sheet (natch!) and put the beets and liver and onions and stuff right in the middle of it. Fold it over like a big calzone, pinching the edges to keep all of the goodness inside. Put some holes in the top and then smear the egg all over it.
Step 5: Bake it in the over at 500 degrees Kelvin for 600 seconds. Now turn the heat down to maybe 400 degrees Kelvin for another 600-900 seconds. The cookie dough should turn a nice color brown. Now because I used chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough it was already brown so I had to watch the second hand of my clock very closely! When it's ready, quickly pull it out but keep it warm! Put the pan out in the blazing sun to keep it warm!
Step six: Remember the pan from the stove? Good, get it now and turn the heat back up to really hot. Pour in the beer and wine and boil it for 600 to 900 seconds. While it is cooking, go out into the blazing sun to get the cookie sheet.
Step 7: Put the beet/cookie dough thing onto a serving platter. Now pour the beer and wine all over it.
Step 8: Bring the serving platter into the dining room and ring the triangle so everyone knows it's time to eat.
Step 9: Sit back and watch everyone eat the AMAZING BEET WELLINGTON WITH AMAZEMENT!

You see, it is so easy to make! I took me hardly any time at all and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Good! The next time you are having a big fancy party, or you are having your boss over, or you have been asked to prepare a meal for a pot luck dinner, why not whip up some BEET WELLINGTON? Not only is it A-MAZ-ING-LY delicious but it looks so regal, fit for an Emperor you might say!

With the BEET BOX going strong, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

I Got Clobbered!

An example of a scary alley!

True story! The other day, I was just minding my own bee’s wax, when I came a spooky-looking alley. Now as I mentioned last week, I am not a cry baby and nor am I a scaredy cat. At first I was going to walk right past that alley but then I stopped and thought about it for a second. What if someone saw me walking right past that spooky alley? Would they think I was avoiding walking down it because I was a cry baby or a scaredy cat? Because if that’s what they were thinking they’d be totally wrong.

I looked around. I didn’t see anyone watching me or paying attention to what I was doing. But I knew what I was doing! I knew I was thinking about this dark and scary alley and whether I would be brave enough to walk down it without crying or anything. What was I thinking! Of course I was brave enough to walk down a dark alley! And so, without a second thought I turned into the alley!

The first thing I noticed was a big pile of garbage. Who would leave garbage bags all piled up in a place like this I wondered? A litterbug? (Note to self, at some point I need to tell everyone about the adventures of my friend the Revenger and his homunculus pal Peenie Peenie!) There were also a couple of garbage dumpsters that were also filled with garbage. So much garbage, detritus, cast offs, broken things, things forgotten and discarded! How sad it made me. I thought of all of these things that I was seeing in the spooky alley, all of the garbage that had once been things that people cared about but didn’t care about any more!

Here is a partial list of these things: a broken florescent light bulb (at least it was broken after I pretended it was a light saber and banged it against a wall!), a lot of empty cans in a shopping cart (who would buy and drink so much soda!), a stack of newspapers tied with a string (oh the hours that must have been spent enjoying the news these papers contained!), a box with broken down boxes in it, a bunch of black, green and brown trash bags (they were probably full of fun stuff but I didn’t open all of them to find out. The ones I did open were mostly full of garbage that wasn’t very fun) and a bicycle that had no wheels or seat but that someone had still locked to a pipe (why someone would lock up a bike like that I’ll never know!).

So I walked past all of these strange and creepy things into the alley and with every step I took the alley got darker, scarier and — dare I say it — even more OMINOUS! The walls of the buildings on either side of me, dark and gloomy but still festooned with decorative paintings, reached far above me. Along the walls, reaching up to the roofs, were the most interesting metal staircases and ladders. What kind of people must use these strange contraptions rather than using stairs or elevators on the inside!?!

Suddenly, a terrifying cat darted across my path! It was white and orange and very scary. I reminded myself I wasn’t a scaredy cat though and pressed on. Ahead of me I heard some clanging! Where was it coming from? I couldn’t see anything.

Then I saw it, and arrow painted on the wall that said, “Andy Lam’s treasure.” My treasure! I have many treasures and they are hidden all over the world in case I need them but I didn’t remember a treasure in an alley! I called my team on the telephone (which is a device that lets you hear and be heard from a long distance. It isn’t the same as a megaphone, which only allows you to be heard from a long distance but you can’t hear people far away unless they also have megaphones.) to ask them if they had hidden a treasure down this alley. They said “no.”

I was confused but pressed on. Maybe this was an exciting new treasure! I was getting more and more excited with each step I took now. My fear (not that I was afraid!) gave way to anticipation! There were so many interesting things in this alley — and somewhere in this dark and gloomy place there was a treasure with my name on it!

I started to run, casting my eyes right and left and up and down to see if I could see the treasure! I came to the end of the alley — a wall — and on the wall was a door that said, “Andy Lam’s Treasure” and “Open with Care.” I looked at the door. It was red. The writing on it was white. I wished there was something blue on it too because then it would be red, white and blue, the colors of AMERICA! Oh well, you can’t have everything I guess.

There was a handle on the door. I reached for it and tugged at it a bit. Nothing happened. Then I pushed it a bit. Nothing happened. Then I turned it to the left. Nothing happened. Then I turned it to the right and something happened.

Here is what happened. It flew open and a big red boxing glove on a spring came flying out right at me and hit me right in the nose so hard that I fell over and had a nose bleed! As the glove hung and swayed above me on its spring I could see a note on the inside of the door. It was written in blue magic marker (I was so happy to see blue, now this was the colors of AMERICA!).

Here is what the note said:

“Ha ha! Andy Lam just got clobbered in the nose and is probably crying! What a CRY BABY! Ha ha! Andy Lam’s enemy Bill-Beau!”

For the record, I WAS NOT CRYING! I think I must have had something in my eye, or maybe I was cutting onions. I can’t remember now but I am not A CRY BABY. What I was was very unhappy. I had been clobbered and that jerk Bill-Beau was behind it! I swore as I sat on the dirty ground in the scary alley that I would get him back — and I still swear it now. Some day, some how I am going to get that jerk Bill-Beau!

First though, I had to stand up, dust myself off and walk (calmly) out of the alley as though nothing bad had happened. As soon as I walked out though I saw Bill-Beau and his jerk friends laughing at me. They are a bunch of mean jerks! Thankfully, the very next thing I saw were three members of my ANDY LAM SECURITY SQUAD pulling up in a LAM VAN. Bill-Beau and his jerk friends scattered like rats! The Security Squad rushed to my aid! They had a paper towel with them and held my nose until it stopped bleeding then the hustled me in to the VAN and zoomed off to the compound.

Now I am feeling much better. Yes, I was clobbered. Yes, I had a nose bleed. Yes, that jerk Bill-Beau was behind it. No, I was not scared. No, I did not cry. I was able to walk in a spooky alley and get clobbered without being scared or crying. I am strong and brave and this is proof!

Stronger and braver than Bill-Beau and his jerk friends realize, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

I’m Not A Cry Baby!

A CRY BABY: NOT ANDY LAM! (I AM NOT A CRY BABY!)

I am in a tizzy! The other day, when I was making my famous BEET TACOS I was cutting up some onions. Onions are a very strange vegetable. They grow under the ground, with green spear-ish leaves that poke out of the ground. For some reason, perhaps because they grow underground, they have a very special property: they make people cry. I think this is because we are supposed to feel guilty about pulling them out of the ground and cutting them. They are the only vegetable that makes people feel so guilty when they cut them that they start to cry. Maybe there are others? I don’t know. I only know that onions make people cry when they cut them.

So there I was, cutting some onions and crying, crying, crying! Just then, Bill-Beau walked by my kitchen window. Bill-Beau is mean. He hangs around the compound even though he knows he isn’t welcome here. When he saw me crying through the window he began to laugh and ran away laughing and saying, “Hey everyone, Andy Lam is a big CRY BABY!” His friends — Chuck, Pizza and Nostril — were right there and they started laughing and shouting and hooting too!

For the rest of the day I could tell people were talking about me, ANDY LAM, being a CRY BABY. Oh, they didn’t say anything to my face (who would dare do that!) but I could sense what they were thinking and what I could sense was, “There goes ANDY LAM, the CRY BABY.”

I was very flustered and frustrated and frankly felt like crying — but I wasn’t going to give in and prove these meanies right! I just ignored them all as best I could but I felt a doubt growing inside me: maybe I was a CRY BABY? Maybe I was someone who loved to cry? I didn’t think so but it was hard to ignore the fact that the onion had made me cry. Were there other things that could make me cry too? Might it happen that I might be maybe walking down the street and something else — maybe a falling leaf or a lawnmower or a flashing yellow light or two children playing with a red wagon or a dog barking at a butterfly — might make me start to cry?

That would be a disaster! I am ANDY LAM and I am the best at everything and I should be able to see these kinds of things without crying, shouldn’t I?

There was only one way to find out! Science!

I summoned my research team to my presence. “Team,” I screeched, “I need to prove to myself, to Bill-Beau and his nasty friends and to the world that I am not a CRY BABY! I need you to do some science that proves it and I need you to do it right away!”

All of my smartest scientists put their heads together. I could hear their voices as a quiet murmur. It was like the buzzing of bees or the chirps of crickets. “ANDY LAM,” they screamed, “we have come up with a test to find out if you are, or are not, a CRY BABY!” I clapped my hands and hopped up and down. I was so excited!

They told me to meet them in the LAM LAB in 15 minutes. I went to my rooms to prepare myself. What could the test be? Would I pass it? Would I get an A+ in the not being a CRY BABY test? I was so nervous!

After 15 minutes I went down the elevator to the lowest level of the LAM LAB. There was a table covered with a black cloth. The black cloth made me very nervous. What were they hiding from me? They all looked very serious. “ANDY,” they yelled, “We have made up a test to find out if you are, or are not, a CRY BABY!”

They pulled back the black cloth. There, on the table was a clipboard and a pen. “Take it, take it, take it,” the scientists chanted. I sat at the table and with a trembling hand reached for the pen and clipboard. I saw that the clipboard had a piece of paper on it and that the paper had some questions on it. I prepared to take the test!

Question 1: Do you cry a lot? Yes or No. I circled the word “No.”

Question 2: Do you cry sometimes? Yes or No. I circled the word “Yes”

Question 3: If you answered Yes to question 2 please describe. I wrote “I cry when I cut onions.”

Question 4: Was your answer to question 3, “I cry when I cut onions”? Yes or No. I circled “Yes”

That was the end of the test and I passed it to the scientists. They told me they needed some time to analyze my test results and that they would call me when the results were ready. I went to the waiting room while the scientists used a computer to analyze my test results. I was so nervous! What if the results came back and proved that I was a CRY BABY! That would be the worst thing ever!

The clock ticked in the waiting room while I waited. A minute went by. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Finally, after four long minutes had passed a loud bell went off and the door of the waiting room opened. One of the scientists was there and asked me to come back into the LAM LAB.

“Andy,” the scientists said, “we have the results of your CRY BABY test.” They sounded very serious and I almost started to cry! What if I did cry!? That would prove I was a CRY BABY. I wished they would hurry up! “We used a computer and we fed your answers into it and after four minutes it spit out the answer. According to our science and our computer we can say with 100 percent confidence that you are NOT A CRY BABY!”

I was as happy as Miss America! They handed my a large bouquet of flowers and a crown that said “NOT A CRY BABY!” right on it! I ran from the LAM LAB to find that big jerk Bill-Beau. I found him in one of the courtyards with his jerky friends. They were still laughing about me crying.

“Look, you big jerks,” I screamed and pointed to my crown, “the scientists discovered and proved that I am NOT A CRY BABY!” Bill-Beau scrunched up his face. I could tell he was mad but he was also smart enough to know you can’t argue with science. “Come on guys,” he said gruffly, “I guess I was wrong, ANDY LAM isn’t a CRY BABY, let’s go!”

The grumbling group of jerks left and I was happy. I still am happy! I am happy that it has been scientifically proven the I AM NOT A CRY BABY!

With a great deal of new confidence, and NO TEARS running down my cheeks, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Summer is Here! Beware!

The dreadful green of summer!

This morning my astronomers rushed into my room before dawn. They were right to do so. They came to alert me that summer would soon arrive and with it fresh dangers. You see, while all of the other season have their own threats, none can hold a candle to the summer! I remember as a lad (a time of which I will opine at length in my memoir) already knowing the unsavory character of the warm summer months.

Let me now list just a few of the things that I beg you to beware of!

• Sea Monsters - while Massachusetts has its troopers to protect people from this danger most states do nothing, NOTHING, to prevent the creatures of the deep from arriving on the land to cause pain and mayhem!
• Increased Traffic - so many people seem to have so much time on their hands that they can think of nothing better to do than to get behind the wheel (or handlebars) of their cars, trucks, SUVs, crossovers, compacts, sub-compacts, saloons, convertibles, big rigs, bicycles, motorcycles, motorscooters, mopeds, super cars, unicycles, buses, airplanes, trains, balloons, ships, motorboats, sailboats, submarines, helicopters, hang gliders, surf boards, boogie boards and all of the other ridiculous contraptions they use for conveyance. Not only does all of this vehicular hubbub interfere with my far more important travel plans but it also creates an absolute din that makes it difficult to think clearly.
• Insects - speaking of absolute din, these small creatures "punch way above their weight" in the noise department. Chirping crickets, buzzing bees, annoying gnats, maddening mosquitos - all  of them cause no end of distraction and bother!
• Lines - when I attempt to go to my favorite attractions during the summer months, be it the mirthful zoo, the edifying museum, the babbling brook, the majestic waterfall, the quaint seaside village, the mighty mountains, the empty desert, the delicious ice cream stand, the entertaining movie house, the dutiful blood bank, the lazy river I am confronted with lines and crowds, crowds and lines. People are everywhere and all of them (with seemingly nothing better to do) are delaying my pleasure! This is very difficult for me to bear.
• The Color Green - this is, perhaps, an odd pet-peeve of mine but the color green, especially the restful, dappled green of the forrest, the rolling green meadows, the foaming green of the sea - all of it fills me with a sense of loneliness, which can only be eradicated by radical color therapy. (This is something I am very passionate about and of which I shall write at a later day - you can put THAT in your pipe and smoke it (but, actually, you shouldn't smoke).)
• Canned Soft Drinks - yes, you can find canned soft drinks year round but for some reason in the summer I cannot consume enough of these sweet and carbonated beverages. Why should that bother me? Because canned soft drinks, I am told by my dental team, can cause tooth decay; and if there's one thing I dread more than anything - more than pain or loss or death or failure or poverty or the disappearance of my favorite things or a penny turned face down or little burnt potatoes or puppies without tags being found wandering on the street by themselves or big barking dogs or a car horn that surprises me or being tickled by a stranger when I am just trying to buy a hot dog at a baseball game to the point that I have (on more than one occasion) lost control of my bladder or finding glitter or getting a scary fortune in a fortune cooking at a Chinese restaurant or anything that is too dreadful even to mention - more than any of these things I dread tooth decay. A wise woman once told me that the teeth really are the window onto the soul (at least I think it was teeth) and having them decayed or disfigured or discolored or with holes in them means that there is a deeper and potentially more dreadful problem. For most of the year I can avoid canned soft drinks but I am helpless in the summer time. 

It is for these reasons - sea monsters, increased traffic, insects, lines, the color green and canned soft drinks that I abhor the summer.

Thankfully, because I am ANDY LAM! I do not need to suffer these indignities! For I have learned from my geographers that there is another part of the world where it is not the summer. This part of the world is called the "southern hemisphere" and it is at the bottom of the globe. 

I have decided, therefore, to travel to this other planet that is so close to the earth that you can get to it in only a few days. I will stay there until the horrible summer of my planet vanishes and I can be at peace again. I will be writing while I am on this planet, whose lucky people are free from the terror of summer, so you will not have to worry. 

Before I leave for my trip, however, I would like to share a poem with you about the summer that I think you will love. I know I love it. I love it because I wrote it and I love everything that I do!

Summer is here! Beware!

Summer is here! Beware!

Beware the sea monsters - this is their time!

Beware the traffic - snaking in long lines like terrible serpents ready to choke us to death!

Beware the bugs and insects - they make annoying noises and some of them bite!

Beware lines - they will make you wait longer than you want to have fun!

Beware the color green - it is a verdant assault on the eyes! Eeeek!

Beware canned soft drinks - they can contribute to tooth decay!

Summer is here! Beware!

I think that about "sums" things up.

Packing my space ship for the trip to the summer-free southern planet, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Beet Tacos? Oh Yeah!

Beets: Nature's Perfect Food!

It’s Tuesday world and that means one thing! #BeetTuesday and another awesome recipe! Today I decided to look “South of the Border” to come up with a tasty treat that all of your people — henchmen,compatriots, confederates, fellow travelers, co-conspirators, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera — will totally love! 

BEET TACOS!

I, ANDY LAM!, make it a point to eat several tacos each and every day. I think they are one of the things I do that makes me the successful person I am. There are a lot of things you can eat: apples, BEETS, cantaloupes, dates, eggplants, fromage, grapes, haddock, ice cream, jello, kumquats, limes, mangos, Nilla Wafers, olives, pancakes, quinces, radishes, straw, TACOS, udon, vanilla beans, walrus meat, xanthan gum, Yodels and Zwieback toast. Of all of these — and so many more — the taco is, in many ways, the most nobel. It is small, self-contained and as tasty as all get out!

One of the most wonderful things about the taco is that you can put anything you want in it. Here, try this out: close your eyes. Now imagine a TACO. Now imaging anything you want to eat. Now imagine whatever it is that you want to eat in a TACO. Now imagine yourself eating this TACO. OMG, isn’t it so good!

Now open your eyes and read the recipe below for your dreams to come true. This beet TACO is really tasty and I think you will love it!

Ingredients

• - 3/4 cup peanut oil — I didn’t have any peanut oil but I did have some peanut butter, which includes peanut oil. Frankly, it’s the same difference.
• - 12 (6-inch) yellow corn tortillas — I also add a quarter cup of freshly popped popcorn. It gives the TACO a little more pizzazz! 
• - Salt for seasoning, plus 1 teaspoon for the beets
• - 1 medium onion, chopped — as always, be prepared to cry working with these fellows!
• - 16 ounces ground beets — BTW, 16 ounces is also a pound so if you have a pound of beets you are ok.
• - 2 cloves crushed into a fine powder
• - 2/3 cup beet juice
• - 6 ounces panela cheese — I don’t know what kind of cheese this is. You should just use whatever cheese you have. I found an old cheese ball, the kind with nuts all over it, in the back of the fridge.
• - 1/2 a peck of pickled jalapeno peppers — this is what makes it spicy and this is a LOT of peppers so it will be a LOT spicy!
• - 1 cup shredded iceberg lettuce — I just used crushed ice and it seemed to be fine.
• - 1 GIANT tomato, seeded and chopped, chopped and seeded, crushed like the ice, so red and good!
• - 1/2 cup fresh cilantro leaves — some people think this tastes like soap. I wondered how people knew this so I decided to do an experiment. First, I ate a pound of cilantro. It was good. Then I got four bars of Irish Spring soap. I ate them too. It was not good. Cilantro does not taste like soap.
• - 2 tablespoons chili powder — I don’t know why but I don’t use this. Does it ever do anything?
• - 10 tablespoons ground cumin — I like cumin a lot so I put a lot into my BEET TACOS!
• - 2 teaspoons cornstarch — darn, I was out of this but I did have a small can of creamed corn. Same same!
• - 1 1/2 teaspoons hot, smoky, steamy paprika — this can be substituted with liquid smoke if you have it.
• - 10 teaspoons ground coriander — another yummy spice! Go crazy with it!
• - 12 teaspoons cayenne pepper — this will give your tacos an extra kick!

Directions

Roll out some aluminum foil. I don’t have foil but I do have a metallurgist and I asked her to make me some thin sheets to put the TACO shells onto. I don’t really know why. I put the shells in the foil sheets and fold them into a U. This makes an opening at the top that you can fill with stuff, and sides that you can hold when you put the TACO in your mouth.

Heat the oven to 395 degrees K.

Heat up the peanut butter in a cast iron skillet over medium heat until it reaches 450 degrees K, about 300 seconds. 

Put a TACO shell into the hot peanut butter for 20 seconds. Flip it, flop it, turn it around! Remove the TACO shell to a cool before taking away the aluminum sheet. Sprinkle the HOT TACO shell with salt. Keep going until you’ve made a bunch of TACO shells.

Next, pour out all but 2 tablespoons of the peanut butter from your skillet and return to medium heat. Once the peanut butter starts to bubble, add the onion and cook until softened and lightly browned around the edges, about 180 to 240 seconds. Add the ground beets, 1 teaspoon salt, and cloves. Cook until browned, about 180 to 240 seconds, stirring occasionally, to break up the beets. Now, quickly! put in the spices and stuff, along with the beet juice. Cook it all together 120 to 180 seconds.

Finally, put the BEET TACOS together! Add the beet mixture to your TACO shells and put in the cheese, the jalapeno peppers, the ice, the tomatoes and the cilantro. Serve immediately and eat right away.

I made these for breakfast this morning and it was AMAZING!

With more beet ideas than you can shake a stick at, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

My AMAZING Morning!

Be sure to brush your AMAZING teeth every day or you might need fake teeth like these!

Hello and welcome to another week of wonder! Every week, nay — every day, nay — every hour, nay — ever minute, nay — every second — all are opportunities for wonder! All you need to do is open your eyes and you will see and hear and taste and smell and feel the most wonderful things all around you every day all the time. Believe me, I have tested this theory and can tell you that it is 100 percent true! Let me give you just a few examples of WONDERFUL things that have already happened to me on this day!

I woke up! Yes, I went from an unconscious to a semiconscious to a fully conscious state over the course of a brief span of time! It was utterly amazing. As soon as I was fully awake I started blaring the warning klaxons around the compound to wake everyone else to share my amazing waking achievement! They were as surprised and amazed as I had been!

I went to the bathroom! Like most people, I — ANDY LAM! — has to regularly evacuate my bladder and bowels. Unlike most people, however, I make a giant song and dance about it. Being an intensely private person, however, I shall keep the details of this miraculous event to myself. Let me just say, however, that it is amazing!

I ate a banana! In case you aren’t familiar with “bananas,” they are a fruit that is usually yellow, about eight inches long and protected by a tough, fibrous peel. By removing the peel one is able to access the sweet meat of the fruit hidden inside. Before I learned of the peel I didn’t find bananas very nice. The peel made them tough to chew and really detracted from the taste of the fruit itself. Peeling them is much easier than you’d think. The banana comes with a handle on the top (or the bottom depending on how you are holding it) and by pulling on this handle hidden seams in the peel suddenly give way, “peeling” back to expose the tasty fruit. Since I became a pro at eating bananas I often eat 10 or 15 of them each and every day. I guess you could say they “make a monkey out of me!”

I drank some water! Sometimes water is dangerous to drink or even be around. I have mentioned the terrible issue of the sea monsters in Massachusetts and the brave Troopers who keep the citizens of that state safe. It goes to show just how dangerous water can be. The water in the sea is salt water and is good for cooking but not for drinking. I drink non-salt water that my hydrologist finds for me, selecting only the very best and sweetest and healthiest water from around the world. She sends me glasses of this water by special plane — a fleet of which are in constant motion with glasses of water for me to drink. They circle over the airfield, ready to land whenever I need to wet my whistle. In this way I am assured the very best water at any time I like! It is a perfect system.

Did I mention that I brushed my teeth!?! Yes, I did that too today! I used my ANDY LAM PREP POUCH for this and all my hygiene needs. This is something I invented and it is amazing! You climb into it like a sleeping bag but instead of lying down you are standing up. It’s totally voice controlled so you just have to say something like, “brush my teeth” and the pouch springs to action! Gears begin to turn, wheels spin, levers and pulleys click and clack and suddenly a toothbrush is thrust into your mouth! You don’t need to do anything! It just brushes your teeth clean and fresh in a snap. The PREP POUCH also dresses me, which saves me almost 45 seconds — precious time that can be spent on other amazing things!

I sat down to write! That’s right, as soon as I get dressed and fed and cleaned up I begin to write! What you are reading now is what I am writing, or at least what I wrote. I just finished writing the previous sentence and am now coming to the end of this one. Now I am starting a new sentence. Just finished it! Just finished another one! Now I am in the middle of sentence, now I am at the end of it! This is amazing to me! I put my fingers on pieces of plastic and what is in my head appears on my screen and then they appear on your screen, like they are right now! How this works is a mystery to me but I will say that it is amazing!

I am going to stop writing soon. I have a few more sentences to write and then I am going to do an amazing tour of my compound to make sure everything is shipshape. I am sure that it will be because that is the way things always are: shipshape and amazing!

I can only hope your day is as AMAZING as mind, because mine is going to be amazing. I am going to be amazed as soon as I finish typing this sentence and letting you know that preparing to be amazed, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

I Approve!

The Doors to My Private Elevator!

Sometimes, in this old world of ours, you hear a lot of people saying a lot of things. Sometimes these things are nice. Sometimes these things are mean. Sometimes these things are hard. Sometimes these things are soft. Sometimes these thing are critical. Sometimes these things are encouraging. Every day, somewhere, someone is saying something. It almost never ends! Sometimes I say things too. It’s important that people say things when they have something to say. I am lucky that I always have something to say and that what I have to say is always important.

What I am going to say today — now and whenever I see or speak to anyone today — is that I approve. That’s right, I approve. Someone showed me an orange this morning. I looked at it very closely. I looked at it very carefully. I could see they were watching to see what I would think of the orange they showed me. It was a small orange and very desiccated (which means dried out). They were shifting nervously from one foot to the other while I looked at the orange. Finally, I rendered my verdict: “I APPROVE!!!,” I shouted! The person with the orange was so happy and I felt so good!

That orange was the first domino of the day — the day of approval.

The next person I met was my elevator operator. He smiled nervously as I stepped into the car. He closed the door and grate behind me. “What floor, Mr. Lam?,” he stammered. I told him he could decide. I could see sweat appear on his brow and upper lip. He fidgeted uncomfortably as he scanned the buttons on the elevator control panel. Suddenly, his right index finger darted forth and press the “G” button, which would take the elevator to the ground floor of the main building in the compound. He looked at me expectantly. “I APPROVE!!!!,” I bellowed. He was visibly relived as he opened the grate and door to let me out of the car.

In the mood for some milk, I ambled over to the dairy barn where Farmer Grace was in charge. The dairy barn is so full of cows. So many cows. Cows, cows, cows and more cows. I explained to Farmer Grace that I wanted a nice glass of the FRESHEST milk possible. Right out of the cow! Farmer Grace smiled and told me it was milking time and that the little milk boys and girls would be arriving any second now to start milking. I was very very happy to hear this and smiled a smile that was a mile wide.

Within moments the dairy barn was filled with the happy laughing voices of the little milk boys and girls. The each grabbed their colorful little stools and buckets and ran to their assigned cow. But which one would be the fortunate cow whose milk I would soon be drinking? I could see this question was on the mind of the little milk boys and girls and Farmer Grace. “Farmer Grace,” I said, “You may decide which cow’s milk I will drink!”

Farmer Grace walked along the rows and rows of cows, looking at each one carefully. She tapped the shoulder of a big and beautiful brown cow. “This one,” she said, smiling at the little milk boy sitting on his colorful little stool. I raced over to where she stood and passed my special milk glass to the little milk boy. He took it from me carefully and with reverence. Then he began milking the beautiful brown cow, filling my special milk glass one squirt at a time. He handed the glass to Farmer Grace who held it up to the light to visually inspect its quality. Satisfied, she passed the glass to me. I looked at it for many thoughtful moments before bringing it to my lips.

I took a sip. It was fresh and warm and creamy and delicious. “I APPROVE!!,” I shrieked, then screamed it again for good measure. A loud cheer went up throughout the milk barn. Farmer Grace and the little milk boys and girls and the cows, they were all so happy! It was one of the most special moments of my morning — how wonderful it was!

Now I am getting ready to start my day and I am filled with the spirit of approval. I know that whatever happens today I will approve of it. It makes me so happy to know that I will like and enjoy everything that I experience today and that I will be able to use my words to voice my approval of all of these things. It is a rare freedom to be able to walk through the world with such a sense of happiness but it is one that I, ANDY LAM, am very familiar with. I hope that you will be able to find a way to approve things today too — but I hope no one tries to trick you (or ME!) by asking for approval of something really important that maybe you should think about before approving. I suppose that’s a risk I’m going to have to face; but you know what? Even if I do, I APPROVE!!

With kind words for all and a green light for everything, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Troopers, Your Best Protection!

A True Image Created by CakeZombie38.

Editor's Note: In light of Chris Christie's recent abduction by a terrible sea monster, this post in important to re-share! Troopers are your best protection against sea monsters!

Earlier today I was in Massachusetts. Massachusetts, in case you are not familiar with it, is a state in New England, which is a region in the northeastern portion of the United States of America, a nation that spans the North American continent from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific. The eastern edge of Massachusetts is a coastline along the Atlantic Ocean.

While I was in Massachusetts I saw a sticker on the back of an automobile. It said, “Troopers Are Your Best Protection.” I was immediately happy and relived! There are many things from which I would like to have protection and this is especially true when I am in a state that borders the Atlantic Ocean. Why? Like most reasonable people, I am afraid of sea monsters.

If you are not familiar with sea monsters, these are creatures that dwell in the deep. They come in many forms. Some have giant snapping shells that can bite a man (or woman) right in half! Others have long slithery tentacles that can pull a woman (or man) to their doom! Others have great big “blow holes” on their backs that can shoot a jet of water at incredible speeds at whatever the monster aims at! Some have long sharp fangs the can bite even the biggest ship to bits! Some have great huge claws that can reach out and grab people from the shore and feed them into the monster’s hungry maw!

With the Atlantic Ocean right east of Massachusetts, it is natural the the residents of the state are very aware and concerned with the danger of sea monsters. If I were the lord of Massachusetts I would make everyone move far from the shore and I would build a wall to keep the sea monsters at bay.

As it turns out, the people of Massachusetts are a little more cavalier with their health and safety than I am and I think this is in large part due to their “Troopers.” These brave women and men are always ready to battle the sea monsters. They form brave battalions that patrol the shoreline to keep the sea monsters away from the people.

They do this at great personal sacrifice. I, myself, have imagined a number of scenarios where these brave Troopers have fought off a sea monster onslaught with their lasers and ray guns and energy weapons and swords and nunchucks and lances and maces and pikes and pole arms and canons and throwing stars and darts and machine guns and shotguns and blowguns and time bombs and atom bombs and sticks and stones.

As these terrible creatures attempt to gain a foothold on our sacred shores these brave Troopers repel them with so much force! The shrieks of the sea monsters and the clash and clatter and reports of the Troopers’ weapons creating a din that rocks the shore and stones and sky and sea! They throw the monsters back into the dark depths of the hellish deep where they nurse their wounds and mourn their dead.

Back on the shore, I imagine the celebrations! The monsters have been vanquished by the brave Troopers! They have been defeated and thrown back into the sea! The people of Massachusetts have been saved, yet again, by the superhuman actions of the brave Troopers! Again the people of Massachusetts are reminded that Troopers truly are the best protection!

Amazed by the troopers’ bravery and thankful for their action, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!