Look Out for EVIL!

The Bear, Before it Caught the EVIL! 

I have a dire warning for you all - there is this thing, this terrible, terrible thing called EVIL and it is out in the world and if you catch it it’s really really bad for you (and the people and things around you). Some people don’t believe in EVIL they say, “oh, that’s just a monkey throwing poop,” or “that’s just a clown,” or “killer bees aren’t really out to get you, even though you half remember a TV show from the 1970s that said something about Africanized bees and how they were going to be the scourge of America,” or “sure, the Nazis were not nice, but EVIL, c’mon!,” or “I didn’t mean to use the last sheet of toilet paper,” or “everyone makes a mistake sometimes,” or “it’s only lying if you get caught,” or “but everyone else is doing it!”

You see, there are several million excuses out in this big ol’ wide world of ours for doing bad things and a lot of them - in the millions - are totally valid. But there is something beyond bad behaviour and that is EVIL and it is something, as I said, that you can catch! I didn’t know you could catch it until I was sitting near a tree the other day, just watching a man cowering on a branch while a bear below him tried to shake the tree to shake the man out. Was the bear being a good bear or a bad bear? I decided to wait and watch to find out! The bear shook the tree but seemed to lose interest and began to amble away. Suddenly, I could see that something had happened to the bear!

It seemed to grow larger and its hair looked mean. Its eyes began glowing red and its teeth and claws grew extra long and sharp. Suddenly, the bear could speak! It raced back to the tree screaming that it had caught the “EVIL” and was going to eat that man in the tree right up! The man began screaming and sobbing. I tried to take notes of what he was saying but it was mostly incoherent gibberish. The bear stood on its hind legs and with a mighty roar toppled that tree right over and grabbed the man and ripped him to pieces - eating him just like he said he would!

Blood and fat and flesh were flying everywhere and the man’s pitiful screams were finally extinguished when the bear bit off his head with one great big bite. It was certainly something to see! I did feel bad for the man but I also felt bad for the bear. I think before it caught the EVIL it just wanted to play, like Winnie the Pooh! Once it got the EVIL it was more like that mean bear in that movie with that guy who was in that other movie about that boat that sank. (That boat was called the “Titanic” and it has a very sad story. It was sad, so sad, so sad when that great ship went down, down to the bottom of the sea. I hear that husbands and wives, tiny children lost their lives! It was sad when that great ship went down. A few years ago I was so moved by the story of that great ship sinking that I wrote a poem all about it. You can read it here if you are into history or poetry. It’s quite a beautiful poem if I do say so myself - and I do!)

So anyway, I watched as the EVIL bear finished its meal and began to walk back to my compound to digest what I’d seen (so to speak). But before I got there, I saw the EVIL zoom out of the bear (which started to cry when it realized what it had done!) and land right in a flower in a field. As soon as it got the EVIL the flower started to grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow. Soon it was like that plant in that story about a boy who sells a cow to get some magic seeds which he plants and it turns into a giant beanstalk that the boy can climb and when he does he hends up right up in the sky where he finds a giant’s  house filled with all kinds of treasures and he sees a bird that makes golden eggs and and steals the bird and climbs down the beanstalk as fast as he can because by now the giant has heard the bird chirping and he knows the boy is trying to steal the golden-egg-laying bird. The boy is too fast though and when he gets to the bottom of the beanstalk he puts a bunch of TNT around it and blows it up and the giang falls and falls and falls and falls and falls and lands on the ground so hard that he makes the Grand Canyon (and also dies).

“An EVIL flower?” I thought to myself, “This I have to see!” Fortunately, I had all of my mountaineering gear with me and in no time I was scurrying up the steep green sides of this giant flower. As the air got thinner I had to put on my oxygen mask in order to breathe! Up, up, up I went, up the side of the giant evil flower! When I got almost to the top I saw the flower open its giant mouth - full of fangs - and grab and airplane right out of the sky! It chomped up the airplane in just a few bites and the people on the airplane too (except for the ones that just fell out and fell and fell and fell. I didn’t see where they landed. I hope they were alright!) The flower’s fangs were all scratched up and there was blood on its lips. It was pretty scary to see so I started climbing down as fast I could!

When I got to the ground I was still scared! The flower was still up there and it was still EVIL and I was worried that it was going to bend over to eat me or some other people! Where was my darn TNT? It worked in that story that I mentioned above, the one about the Grand Canyon. I reached into my shirt pocket and found I had a bunch of TNT there so I put the TNT around the flower, lit the fuse and ran away as fast as I could.

There was a really big BOOM and the EVIL flower exploded into a million pieces. Uh oh! That was a big mistake! Each of those little pieces were like EVIL germs and I saw that everything they touched caught the EVIL (except me because I am different and special)! Birds, flies, bats, clouds, grass, coyotes, more bears, cars, water, a stick of gum, a dog, a cat, a mouse, a cow, a pig, a horse, a goat, a lamb, a road, a street light, a motorcycle, a mailbox, a flagpole, a diving board, a gas grill, a bird feeder, a can of water, some change, a cigarette butt, a bowling trophy, a can of RAID - all of these things - and many, many more - were suddenly sick with the EVIL.

I was still running - I knew my panic cave was near and if I could get there before any of the EVIL things caught me I would be safe. I saw the mouth of the cave! I saw an EVIL camel. It was heading right for me! I activated the jets on my ANDY LAM SUPERSHOES and zoomed right into the cave, slamming the boulder into place just before the EVIL camel crashed into it!

That was a few years ago I think and all I can hear from the outside world are terrible shrieks and screams! Things crashing and grinding and breaking! It sounds bad out there. I haven’t been able to raise anyone on the radio for a long time and I’m starting to worry that the EVIL is everywhere now. I feel bad about blowing up that flower, that’s for sure!

Anyway, if you are reading this maybe life is returning to normal. If it is, please email me at AndyLamSuperStar@gmail.com to let me know. I really do feel bad if the whole world got destroyed by EVIL because of my, but don’t worry, I think I have a good excuse!

The last good man standing, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!