Join the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB!

President Trump is a member of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB! You can be too!

(This is a post from MAY but I think it is still super relevant TODAY I am interested in hearing what you have to SAY so email me, OKAY!)

If you are like me, you are a strong, sure and wonderful person. You are also probably someone that deserves whatever you want, whenever you want it and wherever you want it, etc. You, if you are like me, may see a space that you would like to stand in and say to yourself, "hey, I would like to stand in the space!" I say go for it!

If someone else is in that space just push them out of it! Join the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB to get where you want to be! Don’t stand for someone standing in the space that you would like to stand! The chances are, the person taking up the space where you would like to stand probably shouldn’t be standing in that space to begin with and so it is totally OK for you to simply go, shove them out of the way and stand in the space that you would like to stand.

For a long time, I had the idea of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB but I was reluctant to really GO FOR IT! What if I were mistaken and the person standing in the space where I would like to stand thought they were supposed to be standing there? What if they had seen that space before me and thought, “hey, I would like to stand in that space” and walked right over and stood in it like they owned it.

Then I realized, not standing in the space that you are supposed to stand in is for chumps and if someone is in your way — whether by accident or on purpose or “accidentally on purpose — than you should just give them a good hard shove and stand in the space you are supposed to stand in! It’s really so simple when you think about it.

You see a space. It is a good space. It is the right space for you to be standing. You see someone standing in that good space, the right space for you to be standing. You give them a good hard shove and then YOU are standing in that space! So easy!

Let me give you a few examples of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB in action:

• Gary, Indiana — movie line, 5:56 pm, Tuesday, May 30: I was at the end of the line but I saw a space at the front of the line that looked like a better space for me. I moseyed on up, put my hand together in a vertical position and shoved the person standing in that space right out of my way. Then I was where I belonged, at the front of the line!
• Muncie, Indiana — ice cream shop, 10:40pm, Tuesday, May 30: There was a small group of people looking at some ice cream. They were standing and staring at the ice cream. I wanted to eat some ice cream but couldn’t see the ice cream because a small group of people was looking at the ice cream so I couldn’t decide what flavor ice cream I wanted. This was a problem. I had a solution. I just gave one of them a good hard shove to one side and I was able to see the ice cream. I chose pistachio. It was good. I got it sooner because I was a shover.
• Presque Isle, Maine — school assembly, 8:20 am, Wednesday, May 31: I was waiting to get a special award of appreciation for all of the wonderful things I do. There were a lot of other people there too. I was looking around. There was a line of people waiting. I didn’t want to wait. I saw a space that I wanted to stand in because it was the closest to the person giving out the awards. I am a busy and important man. I don’t have time to waste standing in a bad space when I can see a better one! What did I do? You guessed it! I just walked up, shoved the person standing in the space I wanted to stand in out of the way and got my special award of appreciation. So simple!

Those are just three teeny-tiny examples of my expert shoving in action. I think it is the right thing to do when you see something you want, or a place you want to stand, and someone is standing in your way. Who do they think they are standing in the space — my space! — where I want to stand! It’s simply crazy that I am expected not to stand where I am supposed to stand because someone was standing there first. That makes no sense at all!

And, if you’re anything like me, you’ll agree. And, if you agree, I think you’ll want to join the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB. And, if you join the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB, you won’t have to wait or stand in a space that isn’t the space that you want to stand in ever again.

Now I have let you in on a little secret of mine, this whole ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB thing. But if you join you won’t be the first or only member! Not by a long shot! First of all, I — ANDY LAM — am a member in good standing of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB. To be honest, many people are members. You see them all over the place, shoving their way to the space where they want to be. It is just the right thing to do!

I was so excited to see PRESIDENT DONALD J TRUMP — a long-time member of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB — shoving his way to the space where he not only wanted to stand but where he was supposed to be standing! His recent shove was truly a MASTER CLASS in shoving and I was just so thrilled. You will be too when you become a member of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB!

Never standing anywhere but where I want to stand, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

If you want more exciting info about the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB why not send me, ANDY LAM, an email at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com!

All New Animal Jokes!

Every once in a while I get hit, bit and bothered - hot under the collar even - but the bug. No! It's not a virus! It's the animal joke writing bug! For some reason, it happened to me the other day and I have a bunch of animal jokes for everyone! You are free to use these jokes whenever you want, just be sure to tell people you heard them from ANDY LAM!

What is a gorilla's favorite month?
Apetober!

What kind of fish never takes the train?
A flying fish!

What do you call a young dog's first romance?
Puppy love!

What does a cat throw on the side of the road?
Kitty litter!

What is a dog's favorite jewelry?
A dog collar!

What are cows' favorite characters from the old west?
Cowboys!

What is a dog's favorite month?
Dogcember!

What do you call it when you have bugs in your trousers?
Ants in your pants!

What do bees like to drink?
Bee-er!

What is the most expensive fish?
Goldfish!

What kind of dance do hens do?
The chicken dance!

What do bugs read to get the news?
Flypaper!

What dance to hamsters like?
The hamster dance!

What kind of bug comes out in a storm?
Lightning bugs!

What kind of bugs to hippie's smoke?
Roaches!

What kind of bugs to men like to dance with?
Ladybugs!

What kinds of bugs are really tall?
Daddy long legs!

What kinds of ponies can fly?
Horse flies!

What kind of mice are very quiet?
Church mice!

What kind of eels can charge your smartphone?
Electric eels!

What kind of animals are blind?
Bats!

What kind of bugs are the most religious?
Praying mantis!

What kind of bug is always running away?
A flea!

What kind of bug roars?
Ant lions!

What kind of animal can't climb a tree?
An elephant!

What kind of animal can't ride in a VW bug?
A rhinoceros!

What kind of animal doesn't fit in a really small fish tank?
A blue whale!

What animal never wears shoes?
A worm!

This is only the tip of the animal joke iceberg! I will be posting more as I think of them!

With the perfect joke for every occasion, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

I Am Treasure Hunting!

After losing all of my treasure to the evil egg king, REX OVUM MUNDI I have had to go out to find some more. Treasure is so important to me. Not because I love wealth and the vast power it offers me. No, not at all. I love TREASURE because it makes me happy. That's all. I love big piles of gems and money and paintings and cars and ships and airplanes and coins and stamps and cattle and land and spaceships and pens and fancy cups and glasses and golden forks and knives and vast estates and giant undersea cities and all the rest just because it makes me smile and giggle to myself. Yes, I do actually also love it that I can buy and do anything in the world I want - that is nice too - but I just like the way all of the treasure looks in great big piles.

To get new treasure I have decided to do it alphabetically this time. Starting with Amber - that interesting mineral that is filled with DNA for creating dinosaurs and other monsters from the past. Too many people get all hung up on the money kind of treasure and forget about the scientific wealth that is all around them. I am not some greedy money-grubbing jerk! No! I am a man of science and refinement and so there are things in this universe that are more precious than money and one of those things is ancient DNA.

Some AMBER from my new TREASURE TROVE before I smashed it to get the fly DNA to put into a WORM!

Not only can it be used to recreate dinosaurs and stuff but you can also mix it with today's DNA to create cool new kinds of life that people might find very fun and interesting! I am such a master and working with DNA that this kind of thing is very easy for me. I just get out some of my amber, break it open with a rock or hammer and take out the DNA. Then I put that DNA into a cell and put that cell into whatever I want to change into a new kind of creature. Then, as the animal (or person!) grows the new DNA changes them by giving them the power of the animal whose DNA I used.

For example, the other day I found some amber with a fly in it. I put the fly DNA into a worm and the next thing I knew I had a flying worm! How cool is that?! What might you want a flying worm for? I can think of a few reasons:

• To use as bait to catch flying fish
• To make it easier for birds to eat without having to land on the ground
• To transport worms more easily over long distances
• To make it possible for worms to get off the ground so they don't drown when it rains
• To make my dream of a "worms on demand" bait delivery service a reality
• To create a new and scary plague (they will be much scarier than locusts!)

Too many rich people forget about what is important in life. The love their treasures (and who wouldn't) but they forget how important it is to think about things from a "360" degree perspective. Not me! I think - first, get some amber, next, get the DNA out of the amber, next, put the DNA into a cell, next, create something new and better. Finally, the world becomes a better place. That is why I love my treasure and why and I working so hard to get it back! Starting today with Amber and working my way all the way to zirconium. I will be too busy doing big things with all of my new treasures to write everything about all of them but I will be writing about some of the most stupendous aspects of my new treasure hunt! You will not want to miss it!

Committed to rebuilding my treasure hoard again, I am . . .

ANDY LAM! 

My Nightmare, Part 5!!!!!

So the Egg, he left me alone in the empty treasure vault. Dark. Empty. Scary. All of my treasures taken - and some right from under my nose! It was actually really, really scary. The vault is so far underground that I could hear the spooky sounds of the earth groaning and grinding all around me. With no light and no watch and no clock and no clocktower and no radio and no television the time just C-R-A-W-L-E-D by.

In a half sleep I suddenly snapped awake when the gears that controlled the massive doors began to turn. The room (the vault) was FLOODED with bright white light and the Egg King was carried in on his portable throne. “I still don’t believe that this cave of your’s is going to be that special but I am willing to let you show it to me. But believe me, if I am disappointed you will pay!”

Now it was my turn to play this egg’s game. “Now that you mention it,” I said, “it’s probably no better than all of the millions of other caves you’ve visited. I mean you have visited millions of caves, right?” The egg shifted nervously on his throne. “Why of course you have, silly me,” I continued, “caves with fantastic stalagmites and stalactites, caves with underwater lakes and eyeless fish, caves with glowing walls and roofs, caves filled with incredible art on the walls drawn by artistic cave men and women, caves with buried pirate treasure hidden in them, caves full of forgotten Nazi gold, caves that have been mysteriously lost and found again and again over the years. I’m sure all of these things are just old hat for you old Egg boy.”

Rex Ovum Mundi sat in silence on his silly little throne. “Of course I have,” he said after a spell, “of course I’ve visited a million caves with all of those things. But actually,” he went on, “I haven’t quite visited one million caves. In fact, I am stuck at 999,999 and with just one more I will hit a million and be the most famous egg spelunker in history!”

“Really!,” I shouted, “then we really must go! I would love for MY cave to be the one millionth you’ve visited! Quick, untie me and let me lead the way!” The Egg was crafty. Rather than setting me free he had his troops lift my chair (with me in it!) and began to carry it out of the vault. It took ages. Eggs are very small.

They loaded me into their oddly egg-shaped ship of the sky and flew me the short distance to the clearing near the cave. The struggled to get me out of the small ship and onto the ground.

With much huffing and puffing the eggs finally reached the entrance to the cave. “Well,” I said to Rex, “this is awfully exciting! Your one millionth cave! Let’s go!”

Down, down, down we went. Down a long long shaft. Through long long caverns. Down steep steep tunnels. We reached the GOLDEN DOOR and I suddenly realized my mistake. “Wait a second,” I started to say, “you were trying to get me to bring you here all along! You rotten egg!”

Rex Ovum Mundi cackled like a crazed hen. “Oh my my my Andy Lam,” he said, “you are one dim bulb! Of course this was my goal. I’ve never said it wasn’t. In fact, I’ve said all along that I wanted to get into your cave to steal the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno! Now open this door and let me at it!”

I was aghast and ashamed! I’d been fooled by an egg. Yes, it’s true that he was no mere egg but the Egg King of the World. But I’m ANDY LAM and that means something by gum! As the eggs stood staring at me with the tiny little torches I realized that I was at the end of my line. There was nothing I could do at this point but sit silently waiting to die. It make take years, I thought, but I am not going to let the egg win!

I thought this with a steadfast heart but I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. At a word from their evil leader, the eggs began flinging themselves at me in a pelting storm of shells. As these warriors dashed themselves against me I was soon covered with their dripping whites and yokes. The horror was indescribable! I felt my resolve weakening. As the eggs continued to crack against me, I began to crack as well! I wouldn’t be responsible for this terrible and wanton loss of life.

“Stop!” I cried, “stop! I will let you in! You may have the Orange Egg just stop this useless carnage!” At a word from ROM, the eggs stopped the onslaught. I was untied and led to the golden door. I hesitated for a moment and as I did another egg smashed into the back of my skull. I could feel the still warm entrails run down by spine. I opened the door.

A cheer went up from the eggs and they surged past me into the tabernacle. Like the tide they came, wave after wave into the small room that held the Orange Egg. Rex Ovum Mundi reached out and grasped it in his tiny tiny hands. “MINE!” he shouted, “ALL MINE!”

Everything after that is a blur. Eggs screaming and dashing about in a frenzy. Torches blazing. A malevolent egg doctor looming toward me with a syringe dripping some awful green drug from its sharpened tip. The sudden jab of pain as he drove the needle into my skin. The room and cave spinning around me. Falling . . .

Falling . . .

    Falling . . .

And then it was daytime and I was laying between the cool white sheets of my infirmary. My medical team was there monitoring me from moment-to-moment. I was groggy. I was befuddled. I was confused. I was safe though and in my compound and there was not a single egg in sight. I started to speak. Nurse Dan put a finger to his lip and shushed me. “Not now, Mr. Lam, you need to rest.”

I didn’t argue with him. Instead I let myself drift back to sleep.

That was a week ago. I am finally starting to feel myself again. I know that all of my treasure is gone and that I will need to amass another gigantic fortune before I can undertake fresh adventures - and track down that awful awful egg! It will be done, however, it will be done!

With a festering egg-hate growing deep inside me, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

My Nightmare, Part 4!!!!

The Cave!

Rex and the eggs left me alone in the dark and empty vault for what felt like hours! As I learned later, these miscreants were combing my compound looking for the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno. They ransacked my rec room! They despoiled my den! They plundered my ponds! They scoured my silos! They searched my sun room! They ferreted through my foyer! They looted my loo! They probed my porches! They poked and peered and prodded and scoured and explored and scanned and rifled through every room in my palatial compound; but, of course, they found nothing!

Rex exploring - and ransacking - my compound!

The furious Egg King burst again into the empty treasure chamber and began screaming at me. “Where is it!” he thundered, “where is the holy egg relic which you have stolen!”

Rex Ovum Mundi turns red with rage!

His beady eyes narrowed. “It’s in the cave, I know it!” He had been looking for a map or a clue to find where the cave was located and how to get inside the cave to reach the treasure he believed he would find. Like you, Rex Ovum Mundi is a regular reader of my blog and so he was aware of two caves that I have explored. (These are the treasure cave he was looking for and the other the one I hid in to escape the EVIL.) He changed tactics and suddenly feigned indifference. “Oh well,” he said nonchalantly, “it’s no big deal if we can’t find the cave or the relic. I could hardly care less.”

I don’t know why, but I was convinced. In fact, I was more than convinced. I was suddenly upset that he wasn’t interested in my caves or my super secret and special treasure. “What just a gosh darn minute,” I said, “that cave is pretty darn cool and interesting!”

“Of course you would say that,” the Egg said, “it’s your cave so you have to say it’s cool and interesting. Meh. I’m starting to grow tired of this whole boring exercise.” Boring? Boring? How could anything remotely associated with me - ANDY LAM! - be boring? Impossible.

“Listen Egg,” I said, “I can show you the cave and you’ll see that it isn’t boring at all. In fact, it’s one of the most exciting caves on this planet! If you see it you’ll be amazed and flabbergasted by its wonders!” I was desperate for Rex Ovum Mundi to realize just how un-boring the cave was! “It’s not far from here,” I said, “it’s really no problem to bring you over.”

Rex Ovum Mundi stroked his chin thoughtfully. “I suppose,” he said, “if it’s not too far we could probably go over there some time for a little peek. I don’t know. I’ll have to sleep on it.”

And with that the Egg King turned off the lights in the treasure room and locked the door. Leaving me alone in the dark and wanting more than anything to convince this egg that my cave was really wonderful!

A view of my ruined treasure vault!

Frankly confused by my own behavior and motivation sometimes, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

My Nightmare, Part 3!!!

Waking up with a hangover caused by being tricked into drinking the last two drops of cider made from the apple from the Garden of Eden and tied to a chair wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me that next day. Yes, my head was pounding like the minion blacksmiths of Vulcan (and his minion blacksmiths are nothing if not expert pounders!); no, the worst thing that next morning was to wake up in my treasure vaults and watching the eggs clear out all of my treasures!

I immediately regretted the fact that I had, inadvertently, disclosed the passcodes to all of the many locked and barred doors that protected my most valuable items, including the million pounds of gold - mostly gold bars but also some giant nuggets that I found when I was exploring some abandoned mines in South America once and the pile of rubies that is 10 feet tall and the pile of emeralds that is also 10 feet tall and all of the pearls in my fabled "pearl pit" which is like those really fun ball pits you see at amusement parks or fast food restaurant play areas; but instead of being filled with colorful plastic balls, this one is full of precious pearls and the mountain of Spanish doubloons that is so tall you need an oxygen mask to get to the top. I found these in a bunch of shipwrecks on the bottom of the ocean and the 1000 paintings by very famous painters, mostly they are on velvet which is such a wonderful material for really bringing art to life and the 10,000 suitcases full of money. All kinds of money (except doubloons, which I keep in a mountain) including French Francs, Deutsche Marks, Belgian Francs, Austrian Schillings, Maltese Lira, Greek Drachmas, Dutch Gulden, Cypriot Pounds, Irish Pounds, Portuguese Escudos, Estonian Kroons, Italian Liras, Slovak Korunas, Finnish Markkas, Latvian Lats, Slovenian Tolars, Lithuanian Litas, Spanish Pesetas and Luxembourgian Francs. This money alone is worth so much and the molten platinum in a vat and my collection of luxury fishing lures and my library of the most famous and rare books in the world and the very old food that is bound to be worth something and the very old clothing (mostly from the days of Ancient Egypt) that is bound to be worth something and my collection of vintage powerboats and my fleet of 20 747s (which the eggs had to disassemble to get out of the vault!), and the million bottles of the best wine in the world and the 99 bottles of beer on the wall (which they kept taking down, one by one, and passing around) and the gram of yslthayt (the rarest material in the universe. It hasn't been discovered by earth scientists yet and I had to promise not to show it to anyone for a super long time) and the other mountain of assorted gemstones. I don't know what they are but they are very shiny and very precious and every piece of mail I have ever received and copies of all of the mail I have ever sent, even all of my bills!

As I watch all of these treasure slowly drain away I noticed that Rex Ovum Mundi was becoming increasingly agitated. He was opening each bag of loot, each chest of treasure, each belt of money. I could tell he was searching for something - but what? What could this angry egg be after!?!?!

By dawn the following day, the vaults were bare. The room had been picked clean. There weren’t two coins left to rub together. Rex climbed to the top of a tall step ladder and attempted to loom over me (no small feat for an egg!). “Where is it, blast you,” he shrieked in his brittle little voice, “where is it,” he screamed again and again.

Not knowing what he was referring to I began to answer as best I could.

The Hudson Bay is in Canada. Mount Vesuvius is in Italy. The moon is in orbit around the earth. The goldfish are in the pond. The car is in the garage. The biscuits are in the oven. The children are in the playground. The cows are in the pasture. The passengers are on the platform. The police are at the station. The books are on the shelf. The cushions are on the couch. The pens are in the cup. The forks are in the drawer. The classes are in the main building. The spices are in the rack. The cars are in the garage. The airplanes are in the hanger. The fish are in the sea. The staples are in the drawer. The doilies are in the hutch. The rabbits are in the hutch (but not the same hutch as the doilies). The books are on the shelf. The music is on the stave. The smoke is in the chimney. The ball is in the glove. The frog is in the pond.

I went on and on like this from dawn to dusk, naming and placing some 45,000 items. None of them, however, was what Rex was looking for. He became red and angry again and I could almost see steam coming out of his ears.

“You know what I mean!” he finally shouted, “I’m not interested in your nonsense! Where is the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno?!”

I pressed my lips together tightly and shook my head. The egg glared at me angrily. “Untie my hands,” I told him. The egg motioned to a few of his henchmen. They untied my right hand. I used it to zip my lips and I threw the invisible key far from my chair.

The egg was boiling mad! “You will crack,” he hissed, “you will crack.”

I just shook my head and sat in silence.

After a few hours Rex ran from the room and I was left king of my now stripped domain. Regardless of what this foolish egg might do to me, I was - and would remain and always will be . . .

ANDY LAM!

The #BeetTuesday posts will resume next week, I hope!

My Nightmare, Part 2!!

So that dinner! What a false friend that evil egg turned out to be! As we sat supping and sipping he (Rex Ovum Mundi) was plotting and scheming the whole dang time!

Just before the gong was sounded to mark the end of the meal, the Egg King raised his voice and said: ANDY LAM! You are the most fantastic person to have ever lived on this planet in all its long history! (I blushed but had to agree.) As a sign of my esteem and desire for a great and long lasting friendship, I a gift to share with you. (I was so excited! A gift from a royal egg had to be something special!) First though, I must apologize for my behavior. It was wrong of me to have barged in here like a bull into a shop filled with very breakable knick knacks made of fragile ceramics. (I looked around the room and was happy to see none of my priceless gew gaws had been broken or damaged!) Sometimes I get ahead of myself and get so excited I act recklessly, that was the case tonight. (I had to admit, I have acted recklessly on one or two occasions myself!) To seal our friendship, I propose a toast with the most fantastic draught you’ve ever tasted, an elixir for fabled you will not believe it. (He leaned in close to whisper so only I could hear as a tiny crystal decanter rose up from a secret compartment on his egg cup throne!) This decanter holds the last drops of cider made from the apple that Eve tasted in the Garden of Eden! (I was stunned into flabbergasted silence!) I would share it with you but there really isn’t enough for two and I would rather give these two tiny drops to you as a sign of my respect. I ask though that you share one of you finest drinks with me to be fair! (I called one of my attendants and sent her whisking away to get a bottle of peach schnapps that I’d been saving for a special occasion. The Egg King looked pleased when the dusty bottle was brought to the table.)

A photograph of Adam and Eve. I drank the last two drops of the cider made from that apple!

I poured a tiny dribble of the peachy booze into a tiny cup for my tiny royal guest. He passed me the tiny bottle with the two tiny drops of cider from the Garden of Eden. Cheers my friend, said the Egg and I sucked down the greatest and oldest liquor of the planet earth!

Then everything went black!

With more to tell, but still nursing a hangover, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!   

What a NIGHTMARE!

Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my! What a NIGHTMARE I have had! I won't be able to recount all of it for you now as I have a very full day of REAL healing to undergo. (Not like the stupid "treatment" I got from the eggs!)

It all started last Tuesday night. There was a KNOCK on the GATE of the BASE. I was in the great hall eating bowl after bowl of wonderful BEETSO soup and sent a squad to investigate. Soon my team returned with armloads and armloads of flats of wonderful looking eggs! On and on they came until the flats of eggs filled the room, thousands of eggs were all around us.

From the hallway leading into the GREAT HALL came the sound of trumpets. An egg honor guard marched in with big brass horns blaring. Behind the horns came rank upon rank of liveried eggs in fantastical uniforms. Behind these ranks came small cars being driven by eggs, doing all kinds of intricate synchronized maneuvers. Finally, a hoard of eggs followed, bearing a paliquin on the peaks of their shells.

One of R.O.M.'s entourage zooming around my compound!

As the paliquin snaked its way through the assembled eggs the horn players began playing what I could tell was a regal fanfare. The continued as the paliquin was set on the floor before the dais upon which and my most trusted deputies sat for our soup. When the curtains were pulled back I beheld the most perfect egg I had ever seen. This egg, I knew immediately, was none other than REX OVUM MUNDI, king egg of the world.

Rex Ovum Mundi

He had come, he explained, to parley. "ANDY LAM," the little egg bellowed in his shill voice, "you have treasure - many treasures - of which there is one that belongs rightly to me!" The eggs all shouted as a rabble is wont to do. "You will return to me this treasure!"

Of course I had no idea what this was about. Yes, it is true that I have many treasures; but I have no treasures that I have not either a) earned through the sweat of my brow, b) discovered during one of my many treasure hunts (all of which have been sanctioned by the International Association of Treasure Seekers), c) won fair and square as compensation for a mighty feat or d) received in lieu of some other form of payment.

As I explained this I could see that the egg king was becoming angry with me. His anger grew and grew and I thought he would soon blow his top. This was not something I wanted to see!

Rex Ovum Mundi is getting angry!

I had a sudden brainstorm. "Dear King," I began soothingly, "It is getting late and you've travelled far to honor my compound with your regal presence. Let us put aside this conversation for the night and enjoy one another's company. We can speak again tomorrow about this treasure you see."

My honeyed words had the desired effect. Rex Ovum Mundy calmed down and was placed on the table at my right hand in a fancy egg cup. The two of us ate the soup and drank together like two old friends. Little did I know that his friendship would prove false and that this night would be the last taste of peace I would have for many days!

Ah, my attendant has arrived and tells me I must break off this account. I shall pick it up soon. Know, however, that I am back! And that I am, as always . . .

ANDY LAM!

The last you will hear from me . . . for now

Attention! I am writing this final time to let you know the mission to retrieve the fabled Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno has been completed. 

My medical team has administered a strong soporific and now Mr. Lam, having provided entrance to the treasure cave, will sleep.

His sleep will be long and deep. When he awakes this past week will seem to him to have been nothing more than a strange dream.

I am going to leave the posts I have written during his enforced absence - including this one - in place.

They will confuse him (or should I say "you" at this point Mr. Lam?) and serve as a warning that no matter how well you believe yourself to be protected, no matter how closely you guard your secrets and treasures, no matter how confident you are in your so-called "superiority" - that you are nothing to me!

You have been conquered and now you have been warned.

Rex Ovum Mundi

I will Beat Andy Lam this Tuesday

So some of you have finally figured it out. Good on you. You don't need to worry, your precious Andy Lam is fine - for the moment. My crew has Andy tucked away while we work to get into the cave. We haven't been able to get in though and it is becoming rather frustrating. We have tried all sorts but the man either doesn't understand what we are asking, is too strong to give us what we want or doesn't know how to get into the cave himself.

Since we all know that Andy Lam is a smart cookie it is safe to say he understands our requests. Since we know that Andy has been inside the cave we can assume he knows how to enter it himself. That leaves only the middle option: that he is too strong (or stupid) to give us what we want. That will change.

Since today is "BEAT TUESDAY" as Andy would say we are going to try a new tactic. Don't worry, we aren't going to "BEAT" him per se (well, maybe a little). Believe me, when it comes to beating, my team is well versed in the practice. While none of them have been beaten themselves they have seen it happen to friends and family since time immemorial. Sometimes these beatings whip people up to a frothy frenzy. Perhaps that is what we shell do to Andy if he insists on remaining uncooperative . . . time will tell.

Now I wouldn't be much of a super villain if I didn't spend a little time monologuing and so here it goes. First, let me say that you will never see me on social media. That is for saps and suckers. Nevertheless, I - and my legions - are everywhere. There are billions of us in you homes and stores and schools and farms and everyplace else you can think of.

My name, as Andy has foolishly mentioned in the past, is Rex Ovum Mundi and I am King Egg of the World. I command a massive army of thin-shelled warriors that are ever ready to do my bidding. When I learned of Andy Lam's greatest treasure - one he said might be sat on by a chicken - I realized it might be the fabled Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno. That egg, were it allowed to hatch, would introduce into the world the only force greater than myself.

Clearly this is something I cannot allow to happen. So, a week ago, my eggs and I made our move. We snuck towards Andy's "compound" right in the middle of the day. Right under his very nose. I tricked his chef (using my powerful hypnosis, which works even at long distance) to undertake the creation of the worlds largest omelet. To do this, he would need 10,000 eggs. And so, flat after flat of my bravest warriors were brought right into Andy's home, a modern-day Trojan horse, so to speak.

This initial success was followed by another swift victory as we whisked Andy off to my own waiting Ovoid Airship hovering above his compound. Since then, however, things have progressed more slowly. Initially we told Andy he had been gravely injured in an adventuring accident and that my team of eggsperts were there to help. Given Andy's track record this was entirely plausible. We plied him with pampering treatments and cloying words - all designed to gain access to his most secret treasure cave!

Alas, these efforts have been to no avail! Eventually Andy realized that we were not who we said we were. He was astute enough, after a few days, to realize that we were an army of eggs rather than a crack medical team. Once he realized this his massive brain snapped into gear and he immediately understood the nature of our mission. Since then he has kept his mouth shut - and if you know Andy you will know this is not his natural state.

Today will be different. Today I have summoned my egg beaters and they will do their messy work, flinging themselves in wave after suicidal wave against the bulwark that is Andy Lam. Being pelted by my egg army for hour after hour is sure to crack him! And when he cracks, I will gain access to the cave and retrieve (and destroy) the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno.

And then I will return Andy to his regularly scheduled life of inanity. Frankly, it can't happen soon enough as this is interfering with my own plans for world domination. You will have your idiot back and I will be on my way.

R.O.M.

What a funny day.

Hello everyone I am back. What a funny day I am having. I saw something funny. Before I tell you about it I should say a big "thank you" to the kind and generous people who took care of me when I was not well. They were eggstremely caring and took eggscellent care of me. I have decided that I should repay these people. I would like to give them all of the treasures that I have. Even the one from the cave. Unfortunately, I do not remember all of the details of the various security systems I have in place. If anyone has the security details - particularly the details for the cave - will you please send them to me at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com. Giving these people access to my wealth is the least I can do for them.

Here are some of the funny things I saw today. A car with a dent. A cracked window. A pile of garbage. A person who looked lost. An old phone booth with the phone missing.

Always looking out for funny things, my name is Andy Lam.

Andy Lam, Update #4

Mr. Lam's unwillingness to appreciate the gravity of his situation is rather alarming. We have repeatedly impressed upon him the consequences of his continued behavior. Unfortunately, he either doesn't believe those consequences are real or believes that they are less serious than they, in fact, are.

We truly wish Mr. Lam well but fear things may not end positively for him in this situation.

Andy Lam, Update #3

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I must ask that you remain calm and patient. Mr. Lam continues to be treated appropriately and with care and respect. We are doing our utmost to return him to his normal activities but this will depend on his compliance with our directions.

That is all.

Andy Lam, Update #2

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Mr. Lam has asked that I convey his gratitude at your thoughts and well-wishes. He is recuperating well according to those attending to him. He asks that those wishing to reach him use his email (andylamsuperstar@gmail.com) rather than the telephone of facsimile machine. He wishes to assure you that he will resume his normal activities as soon as he is able.

That is all.

Andy Lam update.

Greetings. I have been authorized by Mr. Lam to post a note on his behalf. Mr. Lam is recovering from a minor incident suffered while conducting some important research. He will resume his writings when circumstances allow.

That is all.

Mmmmm, Delicious BEETSO Soup!

Let me tell you, people went KRAYZEE for last week’s #BEETTUESDAY recipe for BEET Encebollado, a traditional beet dish from SUNNY SPAIN! That got me thinking, “what other countries have FANTASTIC beet recipes?” Of course, with SUNNY SPAIN in my head, the very first country that came to mind was JAPAN - THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN!

You see, in JAPAN - THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN - people LUV to eat BEETSO, which is made of fermented beets. This is a VERY SPECIAL ingredient that can be used in a million or more recipes. I am going to tell you how to make BEETSO and I hope you will share some of the million or more things you have made with it!

First, you will need to make sure you have an appropriate fermentation vessel. This, I think, can be and dang thing you have that is made out of one of these materials: pottery, enamel, glass, plastic or porcelain (which, I am told, is a kind of pottery, and that was the first thing on the list!).

Annoyingly, the recipe I have here uses the anachronistic “metric” system for its measurements. That is silly. I would do the conversion but I can’t think of an easy way to do that. I’ll be there’s a way to use a computer or the “Internet” for that - and whoever finds a way to do “conversions” “online” will probably make “a mint!”

Ingredients!

• 1,000 lbs of beets - the more of these you have the more BEETSO you will be able to make; and the more BEETSO you make the more friends you will have; and the more friends you have the more they will tell their friends about your BEETSO; and that will lead you to making more! You you are really good at making BEETSO you may need to buy all of the beets on planet earth! That is how much people will want to eat!

These are BEETS!

• 2,000 lbs of bologna - (the original recipe said something like KOJI so I found something that kind of rhymes with it)

This is pronounced Baa-Low-Knee.

• 600 lbs of salt - nowadays, you have two choices when it comes to salt, that from the sea (which is called SEA SALT) or that from les montagnes (which is called MOUNTAIN SALT). Either is fine.

This mountain is a perfect source for sel de montagne. You can even SEE the salt all around the top!

• H2O - this is the chemical description of water. If you are lucky and have water delivered to you house, either through pipes or in buckets or in bottles or from a giant vat on your ceiling you probably can get this easily. If you do not, you can bind two hydrogen atoms with one atom of oxygen. Even though I have access to water I prefer to create my own, it’s fresher that way! Regardless of how you get your H2O, you will need a LOT for this recipe!

This is water. You will need a lot of it.

Instructions!

1. Soak the beets for a very long time. At least 40,000 seconds. When the beets are as soft as the velvety muzzle of a bull dog they are ready to cook. Now some people think the heat source matters when it comes to cooking BEETS. Balderdash, I say. I’ll bet if you cooked a trillion bowls of BEETS in all different ways no one would be able to tell one from the other after the first few thousand tries. I put the BEETS and the H2O into a giant caldron and heat it over a wood fire like the witches in that scarey play, McBain that’s on the Simpsons I think.
2. Now squish up the beets in a gigantic mixing bowl.
3. In a separate gigantic mixing bowl combine the BOLOGNA with 400 lbs of sel de montagne.
4. Add the H2O to the BEET and BOLOGNA glop. Do it slowly and mix it slowly and take your time checking it and don’t rush. You’ll know it’s right when you can make the BEETS and BOLOGNA into a ball you can use to play stickball.
5. Now it is time for the fermentation vessel. The only porcelain thing I could think of was my toilet. (Be sure to flush before using it for cooking!)

If you don't have an "official" fermentation vessel you can use your toilet - but be sure to flush first!

6. Throw the balls into the toilet, they should make a “plopping” sound. Aim carefully! Be sure there is no air in the toilet! Squash the balls into the toilet until there form a nice flat surface.
7. Sprinkle the remaining sel de montagne (about 200 lbs give or take) on the surface of the toilet. Be sure to put a lot of sel de montagne around the edges of the toilet for that is where bad fungus may appear!
8. Cover with toilet paper or something else. No matter what you use, be sure it covers the ENTIRE SURFACE of the toilet to prevent mold.  
9. Now, my friends, you must wait. And I hate to say it, but you must wait for a long long time. In fact, at the very LEAST you must wait about 15 million seconds and ideally as long as 63,000,000 seconds.
10. When you have finished counting to 63 million, your BEETSO is ready for use!

Here is my recipe for BEETSO soup:

Ingredients!

• Some weed. You can use any kind of weed you can find. In my backyard over at the compound there is a creeper that drives us craze. We use that.
• 10 cups of dried out brown weed. This isn’t the best but it should be easy to find in your yard.

These weeds should work just fine!

• 5 cups of BEETSO! (See above)
• 5 lbs of tofu or pound cake. Really, I think anything white will do, even marshmallows. In fact, you can replace the sel de montange in the BEETSO recipe to make a delicious desert!
• 5 lbs of scallions greens. I had to look this up. These are the tops of onions apparently. Who has that! You can just use onion peels.

Instructions!

1. Stir all of the ingredients together (you may need to add H2O)
2. Put it over a fire or other heat source.
3. Stir even more.
4. Let it almost boil (AKA SIMMER) for 60 second.
5. Serve and enjoy!

Now that is what I call a DOUBLE WINNER! You really got TWO #BEETTUESDAY recipes for the price of one! Maybe next week I will not give you a new one? Ha! Don’t worry, I am only kidding you! Of course I will share another WONDERFUL BEET recipe next week!

If you have questions on this WONDERFUL BEETSO recipe you should EMAIL me at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com and I will do my best to answer you!

With a rapidly BEETING heart, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!