I am FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD!

A crowd celebrating the news that I am FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD!

Hello and good day to everyone out there in the world; a world so wide there was once a TV program (these are episodic or magazine style broadcasts that cover a range of topics or forms of entertainment) called the WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS. Today I want to share something I learned about myself this past weekend. First, I should say that no matter how old or young you are, no matter how tall or short you are, no matter how serious or funny you are, no matter if you have oily skin or dry, no matter what size shoe you wear, no matter if you are rich or poor, no matter if you are hungry or full, no matter if you live on a farm or a giant castle, no matter if you hair is straight or curly, no matter if you think Miller Lite tastes great or is less filling, no matter if you prefer Star Trek to Star Wars (or vice versa), no matter what, I suggest that every day you try to learn something you didn’t know when you woke up in the morning.

This is something I do every day. Let me share a few things I’ve learned before diving into my main point. If you step on a sharp rock it hurts. If you let go of a branch when you are climbing a tree it increases your chance of falling by 100 percent. Computers (at least the stupid one I had!) do not work underwater. You can mix chocolate flavoring into milk to create what I like to call “chocolate milk,” which is really good and am recommending it to absolutely everyone these days! Aiming a fan at your barbecue will make it burn faster and hotter, perfect if you are in a rush! Most numbers are odd or even. No matter what bait you use, there is nothing you can use to trap a computer mouse. If you see a sign that says “danger,” be sure to read the fine print to find out if the danger is one you care about. All of these interesting and exciting things? I learned them just in the past week! Hopefully, if you try hard, you will have a list like this yourself someday!

So anyway, like I said in the first paragraph, I learned something this weekend. I learned that I - ANDY LAM! - am a FEMINIST!

My lesson started innocently enough. I was at a VERY POSH noshery and watering hole when I espied a lovely maiden (or, more accurately, a matron) holding just the cutest baby you ever did see! As is the case for all babies, this one was crying lustily. At first I revelled in the infant’s caterwauling but soon even I was reaching my limit. I could feel the other diners’ eyes upon me. As is typical, when I enter a room - any room - I am recognized as the natural leader of those assembled. It is a responsibility I take very seriously! Anyhoodle, the other diners were clearly irritated and were counting on ME to restore a sense of order and decorum to the situation.

I put down the turkey leg upon which I had been gnawing, untied the napkin from around my neck and pushed my chair back ostentatiously. Standing, I fixed my gaze on the young woman and her unhappy child. She (the matron, not the baby) was beautiful. All that popped into my head as I walked toward her were the words “hubba hubba” that the sound of a steam whistle blowing. When I stood before here the first words out of my mouth were these, which - as is always the case with my every utterance - were perfectly matched to the situation:

“Madam,” I began, “I believe I speak for all of the diners here when I say we would fully support you nursing your child here for us.”

At first a pink hue flushed her pale and perfect face and throat. But then I think she understood my meaning and unbuttoned her shirt and let the grumpy child feed heartily. With that the room broke into loud cheers and wild applause. The young mother acknowledged the cheers with a wave of her right hand, the type of wave a queen might employ when acknowledging her cheering subjects. I strode triumphantly back to my table.

Unbeknownst to me, the young lady and other diners were working surreptitiously on a thank you card and gift for me. When I finished my seventh drumstick and had placed the bone in the special crystal pail I use for all of my meal scraps, I heard the tinking of a fork or knife on the side of a glass. A throat was cleared:

“ANDY LAM! Not only have you graced us with your presence here tonight [at which point there were many “hear hears”] but you saved what could have been a very difficult dining experience by your smart advice to the young mother. [More “hear hears.”] Your action was the perfect expression of feminist virtue and for that you should be praised. [Now shouts of “praise be!”] A very special someone would now like to say a few words.”

At that, the maitre d’ stood. “Andy, you honor us by your patronage. We know that a man as powerful and esteemed as you have the world at your feet, every sow’s ear for you is transformed into a silk purse and by choosing to dine with us tonight you made our humble restaurant the pinnacle of taste and class. [“Yes, yes,” the people shouted!] Not only that though! By thinking on your feet and taking a strong feminist position you did more - you made our restaurant the nexus of feminist virtue. [“Yes, praise be Andy!.] I have been authorized,” the maitre d’ continued, “to bestow upon you the title of RESTAURANT SAVIOR with three gold chevrons, which entitles you to dine her for free for life!” [“For life, for life,” the ecstatic diners echoed.

In the pandemonium, the young mother rose to her feet and struggled to make her voice heard over the din. When her posture was noticed and clinking of silverware on glassware resounded through the dining room. All eyes were upon her as she cradled the babe and held it to her breast. “Too few people,” she began uncertainly, “have the courage to speak up in situations like this one Mr. Lam. [“True, true” was heard in the room.] You took what everyone one was thinking, what I was thinking and put it into beautiful words. Words I am going to remember and live by. As a woman and a mother I should be able to nurse my baby wherever and whenever I need to! [Defining applause and cheering!] I want to announce now, to all of you, that I am renaming my baby. Her name was Li’l Omie Wise but now she shall be known across the world as ANDI LAM!! [This led to REAL pandemonium!] You are FEMINIST HERO of the WORLD!!”

I was so moved and distracted that I hardly noticed the giant golden tablet with “ANDY LAM: FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD” Inscribed upon it. When it was handed to me I was overcome by emotion. I cried and cried and even though Bill-Beau was in the room (as a busboy) and would tell people I was being a cry baby I didn’t care. I blubbered like a school girl, hugging the tablet to my chest. As I sobbed, the maitre d’ draped my RESTAURANT SAVIOR cape (with three gold chevrons) around my shoulders. I tried to speak, I really did, but there are no words that can capture the magic of a moment like this! For 40 minutes I stood there with tears streaming freely down my cheeks and soon the entire room was in tears too. Why I even saw that big jerk Bill-Beau wiping his eyes - maybe he’s not all bad after all!

Eventually the magic did fade from the moment and everyone self-consciously took their seats and began to finish their meals. The room was subdued - you could feel that something profound had taken place and that in each heart a new moment of sacred memory had been born. In this room - among these people - I, ANDY LAM!, had become both a RESTAURANT SAVIOR (with three gold chevrons) AND FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD!

With a renewed sense of self-awe, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!