Mmmmm, Delicious BEETSO Soup!

Let me tell you, people went KRAYZEE for last week’s #BEETTUESDAY recipe for BEET Encebollado, a traditional beet dish from SUNNY SPAIN! That got me thinking, “what other countries have FANTASTIC beet recipes?” Of course, with SUNNY SPAIN in my head, the very first country that came to mind was JAPAN - THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN!

You see, in JAPAN - THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN - people LUV to eat BEETSO, which is made of fermented beets. This is a VERY SPECIAL ingredient that can be used in a million or more recipes. I am going to tell you how to make BEETSO and I hope you will share some of the million or more things you have made with it!

First, you will need to make sure you have an appropriate fermentation vessel. This, I think, can be and dang thing you have that is made out of one of these materials: pottery, enamel, glass, plastic or porcelain (which, I am told, is a kind of pottery, and that was the first thing on the list!).

Annoyingly, the recipe I have here uses the anachronistic “metric” system for its measurements. That is silly. I would do the conversion but I can’t think of an easy way to do that. I’ll be there’s a way to use a computer or the “Internet” for that - and whoever finds a way to do “conversions” “online” will probably make “a mint!”

Ingredients!

• 1,000 lbs of beets - the more of these you have the more BEETSO you will be able to make; and the more BEETSO you make the more friends you will have; and the more friends you have the more they will tell their friends about your BEETSO; and that will lead you to making more! You you are really good at making BEETSO you may need to buy all of the beets on planet earth! That is how much people will want to eat!

These are BEETS!

• 2,000 lbs of bologna - (the original recipe said something like KOJI so I found something that kind of rhymes with it)

This is pronounced Baa-Low-Knee.

• 600 lbs of salt - nowadays, you have two choices when it comes to salt, that from the sea (which is called SEA SALT) or that from les montagnes (which is called MOUNTAIN SALT). Either is fine.

This mountain is a perfect source for sel de montagne. You can even SEE the salt all around the top!

• H2O - this is the chemical description of water. If you are lucky and have water delivered to you house, either through pipes or in buckets or in bottles or from a giant vat on your ceiling you probably can get this easily. If you do not, you can bind two hydrogen atoms with one atom of oxygen. Even though I have access to water I prefer to create my own, it’s fresher that way! Regardless of how you get your H2O, you will need a LOT for this recipe!

This is water. You will need a lot of it.

Instructions!

1. Soak the beets for a very long time. At least 40,000 seconds. When the beets are as soft as the velvety muzzle of a bull dog they are ready to cook. Now some people think the heat source matters when it comes to cooking BEETS. Balderdash, I say. I’ll bet if you cooked a trillion bowls of BEETS in all different ways no one would be able to tell one from the other after the first few thousand tries. I put the BEETS and the H2O into a giant caldron and heat it over a wood fire like the witches in that scarey play, McBain that’s on the Simpsons I think.
2. Now squish up the beets in a gigantic mixing bowl.
3. In a separate gigantic mixing bowl combine the BOLOGNA with 400 lbs of sel de montagne.
4. Add the H2O to the BEET and BOLOGNA glop. Do it slowly and mix it slowly and take your time checking it and don’t rush. You’ll know it’s right when you can make the BEETS and BOLOGNA into a ball you can use to play stickball.
5. Now it is time for the fermentation vessel. The only porcelain thing I could think of was my toilet. (Be sure to flush before using it for cooking!)

If you don't have an "official" fermentation vessel you can use your toilet - but be sure to flush first!

6. Throw the balls into the toilet, they should make a “plopping” sound. Aim carefully! Be sure there is no air in the toilet! Squash the balls into the toilet until there form a nice flat surface.
7. Sprinkle the remaining sel de montagne (about 200 lbs give or take) on the surface of the toilet. Be sure to put a lot of sel de montagne around the edges of the toilet for that is where bad fungus may appear!
8. Cover with toilet paper or something else. No matter what you use, be sure it covers the ENTIRE SURFACE of the toilet to prevent mold.  
9. Now, my friends, you must wait. And I hate to say it, but you must wait for a long long time. In fact, at the very LEAST you must wait about 15 million seconds and ideally as long as 63,000,000 seconds.
10. When you have finished counting to 63 million, your BEETSO is ready for use!

Here is my recipe for BEETSO soup:

Ingredients!

• Some weed. You can use any kind of weed you can find. In my backyard over at the compound there is a creeper that drives us craze. We use that.
• 10 cups of dried out brown weed. This isn’t the best but it should be easy to find in your yard.

These weeds should work just fine!

• 5 cups of BEETSO! (See above)
• 5 lbs of tofu or pound cake. Really, I think anything white will do, even marshmallows. In fact, you can replace the sel de montange in the BEETSO recipe to make a delicious desert!
• 5 lbs of scallions greens. I had to look this up. These are the tops of onions apparently. Who has that! You can just use onion peels.

Instructions!

1. Stir all of the ingredients together (you may need to add H2O)
2. Put it over a fire or other heat source.
3. Stir even more.
4. Let it almost boil (AKA SIMMER) for 60 second.
5. Serve and enjoy!

Now that is what I call a DOUBLE WINNER! You really got TWO #BEETTUESDAY recipes for the price of one! Maybe next week I will not give you a new one? Ha! Don’t worry, I am only kidding you! Of course I will share another WONDERFUL BEET recipe next week!

If you have questions on this WONDERFUL BEETSO recipe you should EMAIL me at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com and I will do my best to answer you!

With a rapidly BEETING heart, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Etruscan-Style Beet Balls!

A very old statue, maybe of my ETRUSCAN ancestor!

Good friends and fellow inhabitants of this planet Earth! I write today as I do every Tuesday to bring you the glad tiding of #BeetTuesday. This is, as you no doubt know, a celebration of this most noble of all root vegetables! The lord of the beta vulgaris clan! The monarch of the conditiva kingdom!

Is there any sight that can cause tears to well up faster than a freshly pulled beet? Still clodded with dark rich Earth! Longing to be sliced and made into any of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 delicious recipes? Obviously the answer is”no” or I wouldn't have asked the question. For a man of my ilk and standing (and now FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD) to devote even a fraction of my mighty mind to a subject automatically confers incredible weight and gravitas and importance to said subject, which, in this case is beets.

For today's delicious concoction I rifled through a million musty manuscripts all faded and mottled with mold until I found just what I was looking for! An ancient Etruscan recipe that has certainly passed through millions of hands from the olden days to today. I think once you have tried it you will be pleasantly amazed!

Why an Etruscan recipe? Why that's easy! I have learned that I may be Etruscan! In my imagination I remembered being in the land of Etrusca (wherever that is!) and eating these delicious beetballs. They were so good and I felt right at home eating them! Therefore, I deduced, I must be Etruscan myself. I am going to learn more about my heritage soon I hope!

In the meantime, get ready for some beetballs!

Ingredients

• A bunch of beets - I usually start with 1300 or 1500.
• Ibix blood - a few pints should be enough. If you don't have access to Ibix blood here's a workaround that I use: buy a jar of pickles. Throw away the pickles but keep the brine. Mix in some red food coloring. Easy!
• Two lbs of sawdust - the finest you can afford.
• A lot of herbs and spices - everyone has their favorites but I use anise, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, fennel, mace, sugar (use beet sugar if you can get it) and marijuana. At least a half a lbs of each.

Instructions

1. Chop down the oldest tree you can find.
2. Cut the tree into segments about 20 feet long.
3. Hollow out the segments.
4. Stand them up so the open end is facing the sky.
5. Go get a ladder.
6. Climb the ladder.
7. Evenly divide all you beets.
8. Throw some of the beets into the hollowed out tree segments.
9. Pour in you Ibix blood (or red pickle juice).
10. Pour in the sawdust.
11. Add the herbs and spices.
12. Get a power auger.
13. S-L-O-W-L-Y lower the business end of the auger into one of the hollowed out tree segments and turn it on. Lift and drop it into the hollowed out tree segments again and again. (The goal is to turn the ingredients into a thick purple slurry.)
14. Let this slurry sit overnight.
15. The next morning, build a giant fire.
16. Using a melon scoop, form the purple slurry into dainty morsels.
17. Place the purple morsels into a pan. Whatever kind you have will be fine.
18. Put the pan of purple morsels into the fire.
19. Count slowly to 600.
20. Remove the pan.
21. Now the purple slurry will have hardened into delectable beet balls!

Now you will note that I haven't used many modern appliances. That is because I wanted to share with you the Etruscan way from the olden days. If you want you can use kitchen stuff I guess but I don't think the beet balls will taste as good.

So there you have it! An authentic recipe for beet balls. I have made this thousands of times and people totally ADORE them to pieces! I hope your friends will be delighted by this ancient Etruscan dish!

Loving every minute of #BeetTuesday, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

Beet Wellington Baby!

Beets for BEET WELLINGTON!

I knew this was coming and I'll bet you knew this was coming too! This week for #BeetTuesday I have the mother of all beet dishes - the fantastic BEET WELLINGTON! That's right, I - ANDY LAM! - am going to walk you through the steps to make this EXQUISITE dish. I am not going to pretend I know a lot about the history of the past but I am pretty sure that this dish was served at the BATTLE OF WATERLOO to NAPOLEON! He liked it so much, I hear, that he made it the official dinner at his island getaway!

Now you too can eat like an EMPEROR thanks to me, ANDY LAM!, and my amazing beet recipes! In Napoleon's lingo, which I understand was FRENCH, BEETS are called BEETERAVE! How funny is that? It's like BEETS getting a RAVE review, which is exactly what you will get when you serve this amazing dish to your friends and family and co-workers and bus drivers and char woman and fisherman and the paperboy and the little milk boys and girls and anyone else that you want to really impress.

Some people say this is a hard recipe to cook. Anyone who says that just doesn't know what the fudge they are talking about! This is as easy as pie to whip up in no time flat! Let's get started, shall we?

Ingredients

• 2.5 lbs. of tender, tender beets! - I think I have talked about tenderizing beets in the past. Whatever I said, you should do it. If I didn't say anything about it in the past here's what I'm saying today: take the beets and put them in a bag (it doesn't matter what kind). Now put the bag in a cement mixer. Now put some frozen peas in the cement mixer. Now turn it on. Wait a long time. Turn off the cement mixer. Take out the bag of beets. You can either eat the frozen peas or throw them away or give them to your hogs or chickens, it's really up to you.
• Lots and lots of butter. At least a stick of butter I think. Some of it has to be soft. Guess what? You can tenderize butter the same way you do beets. Put the butter in a bag (it doesn't matter what kind). Now put the bag in a cement mixer. Now put some frozen peas in the cement mixer. Now turn it on. Wait a long time. Turn off the cement mixer. Take out the bag of butter. You can either eat the frozen peas or throw them away or give them to your hogs or chickens, it's really up to you.
• One onion. Chop it up but be sure to do it when you are alone or people might think you are a cry baby. This has become a real issue for me and it is not good when a jerk like Bill-Beau thinks you are a cry baby and tells everyone that you are. What a jerk!
• A glass of mushrooms. Some people use a cup. I drink tea and coffee out of cups. A glass of mushrooms makes more sense. To fit them in the glass you will need to chop them into very small pieces. The nice thing about cutting mushrooms is that it won't make you cry so you can do it when people are around.
• 2 ounces of liver pate. What? Liver pate? What does that even mean? Your pate is the top of your head and your liver is in your stomach. (Not that I would suggest using your own liver!) I went to the farm and asked Farmer Grace for a liver. She looked at me kind of cock-eyed and sidled up right next to me. She whispered, "so, you want a liver? meet me behind the barn at midnight." I was confused but I trust Farmer Grace! At midnight I made my way back to the barn and went around back. There was a circle of people there, all dressed in black robes. On the ground in the middle of the circle was a fancy star with candles at each point. In the middle there was a goat. The goat was bleating and crying and it was tied to a post. Farmer Grace motioned for me to stand behind her and the circle of people all started to chant and murmur. Suddenly, two of the robed figures leapt upon the goat and lifted it above their heads. Farmer Grace stepped forward and pulled a large stone dagger from beneath her robes. There was fire in her eyes as she lifted the knife above her head and plunged it into the throat of the writhing animal! Blood sprayed everywhere and the circle of people went mad with ecstasy! The goat's carcass was thrown to the ground and Farmer Grace knelt over it, her knife again held high! With the swift and sure moves of a surgeon, Farmer Grace had opened the still-warm cadaver, she plunged her arms into its body cavity and rooted around. Suddenly, she pulled her bloodied arms from the goat and held a shapeless lump of flesh aloft! "Behold," she said, "I give you the liver of our dear slain goat!" I thanked her and put it into a bag and brought it back to the kitchen. Next I summoned Bald Moe. "Moe," I said, "I think I'm supposed to cut off your scalp for the BEET WELLINGTON recipe I'm making but I don't that would be very nice for you." He told me he didn't think so either and asked if maybe we could not cut off his scalp. Instead, he agreed that I could put the liver on his head until I asked for it back. Bald Moe is really smart!
• Salt and Pepper - as much or as little as you like, it's really up to you and your own particular taste buds.
• A pound of frozen puff pastry that is not frozen. How does this work? Either something is frozen or it isn't. And another thing, what is Puff Pastry? I didn't listen to the recipe here and you shouldn't either. Instead I got some frozen cookie dough, it's really good!
• One egg - just the yellow part - beaten. How do you beat up an egg? They are so small and fragile! (Except for REX OVUM MUNDI!) I couldn't bring myself to hit it so instead I decided to soften it up. First, I put the egg in a bag (it doesn't matter what kind). Then I put the bag in the cement mixer. Then I put some frozen peas in the cement mixer with the bag with an egg in it. Then I turned on the cement mixer and let it run for a long time. Then I turned off the cement mixer. Then I took out the bag with the egg in it. You can either eat the frozen peas or throw them away or give them to your hogs or chickens, it's really up to you.
• A can of beer. The recipe I was using said a can of beef broth but no thank you! I'll stick with beer and I suggest you do too!
• Two glasses of red wind! If beer is good then wine is probably good too. I say two glasses because I like to drink one while I am cooking! Silly me!

Directions

Now is when the magic happens!

Step 1: Heat your over to about 500 degrees Kelvin. Put the tender, tender beets in a teeny tiny baking dish and put some of the soft butter on top. Put it into the hot, hot over. Keep it in there until it turns brown (about 750 seconds). Take the pan out of the over and take the beets out of the pan. Just put them on the counter or something. Keep the sludgy stuff that is in the pan.
Step 2: Put some butter in a pan and put the pan on the stove and turn the heat up to medium. Now put in the onions and the mushrooms and stir them all around for 300 seconds. Take the pan off of the stove and put it out in the snow to cool.
Step 3: Get the liver from Bald Moe's head, along with more of your butter! Smear the liver onto the beets that are there on the counter. Go out and get the onions and mushrooms from the snow. Put them on top of the liver and beet mess.
Step 4: Get the cookie dough and put it on the counter near the beets, liver and other stuff. Use a rolling pin to made the cookie dough into a big flat sheet. Once you do that move it to a cookie sheet (natch!) and put the beets and liver and onions and stuff right in the middle of it. Fold it over like a big calzone, pinching the edges to keep all of the goodness inside. Put some holes in the top and then smear the egg all over it.
Step 5: Bake it in the over at 500 degrees Kelvin for 600 seconds. Now turn the heat down to maybe 400 degrees Kelvin for another 600-900 seconds. The cookie dough should turn a nice color brown. Now because I used chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough it was already brown so I had to watch the second hand of my clock very closely! When it's ready, quickly pull it out but keep it warm! Put the pan out in the blazing sun to keep it warm!
Step six: Remember the pan from the stove? Good, get it now and turn the heat back up to really hot. Pour in the beer and wine and boil it for 600 to 900 seconds. While it is cooking, go out into the blazing sun to get the cookie sheet.
Step 7: Put the beet/cookie dough thing onto a serving platter. Now pour the beer and wine all over it.
Step 8: Bring the serving platter into the dining room and ring the triangle so everyone knows it's time to eat.
Step 9: Sit back and watch everyone eat the AMAZING BEET WELLINGTON WITH AMAZEMENT!

You see, it is so easy to make! I took me hardly any time at all and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Good! The next time you are having a big fancy party, or you are having your boss over, or you have been asked to prepare a meal for a pot luck dinner, why not whip up some BEET WELLINGTON? Not only is it A-MAZ-ING-LY delicious but it looks so regal, fit for an Emperor you might say!

With the BEET BOX going strong, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!