Beet Wellington Baby!

Beets for BEET WELLINGTON!

I knew this was coming and I'll bet you knew this was coming too! This week for #BeetTuesday I have the mother of all beet dishes - the fantastic BEET WELLINGTON! That's right, I - ANDY LAM! - am going to walk you through the steps to make this EXQUISITE dish. I am not going to pretend I know a lot about the history of the past but I am pretty sure that this dish was served at the BATTLE OF WATERLOO to NAPOLEON! He liked it so much, I hear, that he made it the official dinner at his island getaway!

Now you too can eat like an EMPEROR thanks to me, ANDY LAM!, and my amazing beet recipes! In Napoleon's lingo, which I understand was FRENCH, BEETS are called BEETERAVE! How funny is that? It's like BEETS getting a RAVE review, which is exactly what you will get when you serve this amazing dish to your friends and family and co-workers and bus drivers and char woman and fisherman and the paperboy and the little milk boys and girls and anyone else that you want to really impress.

Some people say this is a hard recipe to cook. Anyone who says that just doesn't know what the fudge they are talking about! This is as easy as pie to whip up in no time flat! Let's get started, shall we?

Ingredients

• 2.5 lbs. of tender, tender beets! - I think I have talked about tenderizing beets in the past. Whatever I said, you should do it. If I didn't say anything about it in the past here's what I'm saying today: take the beets and put them in a bag (it doesn't matter what kind). Now put the bag in a cement mixer. Now put some frozen peas in the cement mixer. Now turn it on. Wait a long time. Turn off the cement mixer. Take out the bag of beets. You can either eat the frozen peas or throw them away or give them to your hogs or chickens, it's really up to you.
• Lots and lots of butter. At least a stick of butter I think. Some of it has to be soft. Guess what? You can tenderize butter the same way you do beets. Put the butter in a bag (it doesn't matter what kind). Now put the bag in a cement mixer. Now put some frozen peas in the cement mixer. Now turn it on. Wait a long time. Turn off the cement mixer. Take out the bag of butter. You can either eat the frozen peas or throw them away or give them to your hogs or chickens, it's really up to you.
• One onion. Chop it up but be sure to do it when you are alone or people might think you are a cry baby. This has become a real issue for me and it is not good when a jerk like Bill-Beau thinks you are a cry baby and tells everyone that you are. What a jerk!
• A glass of mushrooms. Some people use a cup. I drink tea and coffee out of cups. A glass of mushrooms makes more sense. To fit them in the glass you will need to chop them into very small pieces. The nice thing about cutting mushrooms is that it won't make you cry so you can do it when people are around.
• 2 ounces of liver pate. What? Liver pate? What does that even mean? Your pate is the top of your head and your liver is in your stomach. (Not that I would suggest using your own liver!) I went to the farm and asked Farmer Grace for a liver. She looked at me kind of cock-eyed and sidled up right next to me. She whispered, "so, you want a liver? meet me behind the barn at midnight." I was confused but I trust Farmer Grace! At midnight I made my way back to the barn and went around back. There was a circle of people there, all dressed in black robes. On the ground in the middle of the circle was a fancy star with candles at each point. In the middle there was a goat. The goat was bleating and crying and it was tied to a post. Farmer Grace motioned for me to stand behind her and the circle of people all started to chant and murmur. Suddenly, two of the robed figures leapt upon the goat and lifted it above their heads. Farmer Grace stepped forward and pulled a large stone dagger from beneath her robes. There was fire in her eyes as she lifted the knife above her head and plunged it into the throat of the writhing animal! Blood sprayed everywhere and the circle of people went mad with ecstasy! The goat's carcass was thrown to the ground and Farmer Grace knelt over it, her knife again held high! With the swift and sure moves of a surgeon, Farmer Grace had opened the still-warm cadaver, she plunged her arms into its body cavity and rooted around. Suddenly, she pulled her bloodied arms from the goat and held a shapeless lump of flesh aloft! "Behold," she said, "I give you the liver of our dear slain goat!" I thanked her and put it into a bag and brought it back to the kitchen. Next I summoned Bald Moe. "Moe," I said, "I think I'm supposed to cut off your scalp for the BEET WELLINGTON recipe I'm making but I don't that would be very nice for you." He told me he didn't think so either and asked if maybe we could not cut off his scalp. Instead, he agreed that I could put the liver on his head until I asked for it back. Bald Moe is really smart!
• Salt and Pepper - as much or as little as you like, it's really up to you and your own particular taste buds.
• A pound of frozen puff pastry that is not frozen. How does this work? Either something is frozen or it isn't. And another thing, what is Puff Pastry? I didn't listen to the recipe here and you shouldn't either. Instead I got some frozen cookie dough, it's really good!
• One egg - just the yellow part - beaten. How do you beat up an egg? They are so small and fragile! (Except for REX OVUM MUNDI!) I couldn't bring myself to hit it so instead I decided to soften it up. First, I put the egg in a bag (it doesn't matter what kind). Then I put the bag in the cement mixer. Then I put some frozen peas in the cement mixer with the bag with an egg in it. Then I turned on the cement mixer and let it run for a long time. Then I turned off the cement mixer. Then I took out the bag with the egg in it. You can either eat the frozen peas or throw them away or give them to your hogs or chickens, it's really up to you.
• A can of beer. The recipe I was using said a can of beef broth but no thank you! I'll stick with beer and I suggest you do too!
• Two glasses of red wind! If beer is good then wine is probably good too. I say two glasses because I like to drink one while I am cooking! Silly me!

Directions

Now is when the magic happens!

Step 1: Heat your over to about 500 degrees Kelvin. Put the tender, tender beets in a teeny tiny baking dish and put some of the soft butter on top. Put it into the hot, hot over. Keep it in there until it turns brown (about 750 seconds). Take the pan out of the over and take the beets out of the pan. Just put them on the counter or something. Keep the sludgy stuff that is in the pan.
Step 2: Put some butter in a pan and put the pan on the stove and turn the heat up to medium. Now put in the onions and the mushrooms and stir them all around for 300 seconds. Take the pan off of the stove and put it out in the snow to cool.
Step 3: Get the liver from Bald Moe's head, along with more of your butter! Smear the liver onto the beets that are there on the counter. Go out and get the onions and mushrooms from the snow. Put them on top of the liver and beet mess.
Step 4: Get the cookie dough and put it on the counter near the beets, liver and other stuff. Use a rolling pin to made the cookie dough into a big flat sheet. Once you do that move it to a cookie sheet (natch!) and put the beets and liver and onions and stuff right in the middle of it. Fold it over like a big calzone, pinching the edges to keep all of the goodness inside. Put some holes in the top and then smear the egg all over it.
Step 5: Bake it in the over at 500 degrees Kelvin for 600 seconds. Now turn the heat down to maybe 400 degrees Kelvin for another 600-900 seconds. The cookie dough should turn a nice color brown. Now because I used chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough it was already brown so I had to watch the second hand of my clock very closely! When it's ready, quickly pull it out but keep it warm! Put the pan out in the blazing sun to keep it warm!
Step six: Remember the pan from the stove? Good, get it now and turn the heat back up to really hot. Pour in the beer and wine and boil it for 600 to 900 seconds. While it is cooking, go out into the blazing sun to get the cookie sheet.
Step 7: Put the beet/cookie dough thing onto a serving platter. Now pour the beer and wine all over it.
Step 8: Bring the serving platter into the dining room and ring the triangle so everyone knows it's time to eat.
Step 9: Sit back and watch everyone eat the AMAZING BEET WELLINGTON WITH AMAZEMENT!

You see, it is so easy to make! I took me hardly any time at all and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Good! The next time you are having a big fancy party, or you are having your boss over, or you have been asked to prepare a meal for a pot luck dinner, why not whip up some BEET WELLINGTON? Not only is it A-MAZ-ING-LY delicious but it looks so regal, fit for an Emperor you might say!

With the BEET BOX going strong, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!