I Got Clobbered!

An example of a scary alley!

True story! The other day, I was just minding my own bee’s wax, when I came a spooky-looking alley. Now as I mentioned last week, I am not a cry baby and nor am I a scaredy cat. At first I was going to walk right past that alley but then I stopped and thought about it for a second. What if someone saw me walking right past that spooky alley? Would they think I was avoiding walking down it because I was a cry baby or a scaredy cat? Because if that’s what they were thinking they’d be totally wrong.

I looked around. I didn’t see anyone watching me or paying attention to what I was doing. But I knew what I was doing! I knew I was thinking about this dark and scary alley and whether I would be brave enough to walk down it without crying or anything. What was I thinking! Of course I was brave enough to walk down a dark alley! And so, without a second thought I turned into the alley!

The first thing I noticed was a big pile of garbage. Who would leave garbage bags all piled up in a place like this I wondered? A litterbug? (Note to self, at some point I need to tell everyone about the adventures of my friend the Revenger and his homunculus pal Peenie Peenie!) There were also a couple of garbage dumpsters that were also filled with garbage. So much garbage, detritus, cast offs, broken things, things forgotten and discarded! How sad it made me. I thought of all of these things that I was seeing in the spooky alley, all of the garbage that had once been things that people cared about but didn’t care about any more!

Here is a partial list of these things: a broken florescent light bulb (at least it was broken after I pretended it was a light saber and banged it against a wall!), a lot of empty cans in a shopping cart (who would buy and drink so much soda!), a stack of newspapers tied with a string (oh the hours that must have been spent enjoying the news these papers contained!), a box with broken down boxes in it, a bunch of black, green and brown trash bags (they were probably full of fun stuff but I didn’t open all of them to find out. The ones I did open were mostly full of garbage that wasn’t very fun) and a bicycle that had no wheels or seat but that someone had still locked to a pipe (why someone would lock up a bike like that I’ll never know!).

So I walked past all of these strange and creepy things into the alley and with every step I took the alley got darker, scarier and — dare I say it — even more OMINOUS! The walls of the buildings on either side of me, dark and gloomy but still festooned with decorative paintings, reached far above me. Along the walls, reaching up to the roofs, were the most interesting metal staircases and ladders. What kind of people must use these strange contraptions rather than using stairs or elevators on the inside!?!

Suddenly, a terrifying cat darted across my path! It was white and orange and very scary. I reminded myself I wasn’t a scaredy cat though and pressed on. Ahead of me I heard some clanging! Where was it coming from? I couldn’t see anything.

Then I saw it, and arrow painted on the wall that said, “Andy Lam’s treasure.” My treasure! I have many treasures and they are hidden all over the world in case I need them but I didn’t remember a treasure in an alley! I called my team on the telephone (which is a device that lets you hear and be heard from a long distance. It isn’t the same as a megaphone, which only allows you to be heard from a long distance but you can’t hear people far away unless they also have megaphones.) to ask them if they had hidden a treasure down this alley. They said “no.”

I was confused but pressed on. Maybe this was an exciting new treasure! I was getting more and more excited with each step I took now. My fear (not that I was afraid!) gave way to anticipation! There were so many interesting things in this alley — and somewhere in this dark and gloomy place there was a treasure with my name on it!

I started to run, casting my eyes right and left and up and down to see if I could see the treasure! I came to the end of the alley — a wall — and on the wall was a door that said, “Andy Lam’s Treasure” and “Open with Care.” I looked at the door. It was red. The writing on it was white. I wished there was something blue on it too because then it would be red, white and blue, the colors of AMERICA! Oh well, you can’t have everything I guess.

There was a handle on the door. I reached for it and tugged at it a bit. Nothing happened. Then I pushed it a bit. Nothing happened. Then I turned it to the left. Nothing happened. Then I turned it to the right and something happened.

Here is what happened. It flew open and a big red boxing glove on a spring came flying out right at me and hit me right in the nose so hard that I fell over and had a nose bleed! As the glove hung and swayed above me on its spring I could see a note on the inside of the door. It was written in blue magic marker (I was so happy to see blue, now this was the colors of AMERICA!).

Here is what the note said:

“Ha ha! Andy Lam just got clobbered in the nose and is probably crying! What a CRY BABY! Ha ha! Andy Lam’s enemy Bill-Beau!”

For the record, I WAS NOT CRYING! I think I must have had something in my eye, or maybe I was cutting onions. I can’t remember now but I am not A CRY BABY. What I was was very unhappy. I had been clobbered and that jerk Bill-Beau was behind it! I swore as I sat on the dirty ground in the scary alley that I would get him back — and I still swear it now. Some day, some how I am going to get that jerk Bill-Beau!

First though, I had to stand up, dust myself off and walk (calmly) out of the alley as though nothing bad had happened. As soon as I walked out though I saw Bill-Beau and his jerk friends laughing at me. They are a bunch of mean jerks! Thankfully, the very next thing I saw were three members of my ANDY LAM SECURITY SQUAD pulling up in a LAM VAN. Bill-Beau and his jerk friends scattered like rats! The Security Squad rushed to my aid! They had a paper towel with them and held my nose until it stopped bleeding then the hustled me in to the VAN and zoomed off to the compound.

Now I am feeling much better. Yes, I was clobbered. Yes, I had a nose bleed. Yes, that jerk Bill-Beau was behind it. No, I was not scared. No, I did not cry. I was able to walk in a spooky alley and get clobbered without being scared or crying. I am strong and brave and this is proof!

Stronger and braver than Bill-Beau and his jerk friends realize, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!