My AMAZING Morning!

Be sure to brush your AMAZING teeth every day or you might need fake teeth like these!

Hello and welcome to another week of wonder! Every week, nay — every day, nay — every hour, nay — ever minute, nay — every second — all are opportunities for wonder! All you need to do is open your eyes and you will see and hear and taste and smell and feel the most wonderful things all around you every day all the time. Believe me, I have tested this theory and can tell you that it is 100 percent true! Let me give you just a few examples of WONDERFUL things that have already happened to me on this day!

I woke up! Yes, I went from an unconscious to a semiconscious to a fully conscious state over the course of a brief span of time! It was utterly amazing. As soon as I was fully awake I started blaring the warning klaxons around the compound to wake everyone else to share my amazing waking achievement! They were as surprised and amazed as I had been!

I went to the bathroom! Like most people, I — ANDY LAM! — has to regularly evacuate my bladder and bowels. Unlike most people, however, I make a giant song and dance about it. Being an intensely private person, however, I shall keep the details of this miraculous event to myself. Let me just say, however, that it is amazing!

I ate a banana! In case you aren’t familiar with “bananas,” they are a fruit that is usually yellow, about eight inches long and protected by a tough, fibrous peel. By removing the peel one is able to access the sweet meat of the fruit hidden inside. Before I learned of the peel I didn’t find bananas very nice. The peel made them tough to chew and really detracted from the taste of the fruit itself. Peeling them is much easier than you’d think. The banana comes with a handle on the top (or the bottom depending on how you are holding it) and by pulling on this handle hidden seams in the peel suddenly give way, “peeling” back to expose the tasty fruit. Since I became a pro at eating bananas I often eat 10 or 15 of them each and every day. I guess you could say they “make a monkey out of me!”

I drank some water! Sometimes water is dangerous to drink or even be around. I have mentioned the terrible issue of the sea monsters in Massachusetts and the brave Troopers who keep the citizens of that state safe. It goes to show just how dangerous water can be. The water in the sea is salt water and is good for cooking but not for drinking. I drink non-salt water that my hydrologist finds for me, selecting only the very best and sweetest and healthiest water from around the world. She sends me glasses of this water by special plane — a fleet of which are in constant motion with glasses of water for me to drink. They circle over the airfield, ready to land whenever I need to wet my whistle. In this way I am assured the very best water at any time I like! It is a perfect system.

Did I mention that I brushed my teeth!?! Yes, I did that too today! I used my ANDY LAM PREP POUCH for this and all my hygiene needs. This is something I invented and it is amazing! You climb into it like a sleeping bag but instead of lying down you are standing up. It’s totally voice controlled so you just have to say something like, “brush my teeth” and the pouch springs to action! Gears begin to turn, wheels spin, levers and pulleys click and clack and suddenly a toothbrush is thrust into your mouth! You don’t need to do anything! It just brushes your teeth clean and fresh in a snap. The PREP POUCH also dresses me, which saves me almost 45 seconds — precious time that can be spent on other amazing things!

I sat down to write! That’s right, as soon as I get dressed and fed and cleaned up I begin to write! What you are reading now is what I am writing, or at least what I wrote. I just finished writing the previous sentence and am now coming to the end of this one. Now I am starting a new sentence. Just finished it! Just finished another one! Now I am in the middle of sentence, now I am at the end of it! This is amazing to me! I put my fingers on pieces of plastic and what is in my head appears on my screen and then they appear on your screen, like they are right now! How this works is a mystery to me but I will say that it is amazing!

I am going to stop writing soon. I have a few more sentences to write and then I am going to do an amazing tour of my compound to make sure everything is shipshape. I am sure that it will be because that is the way things always are: shipshape and amazing!

I can only hope your day is as AMAZING as mind, because mine is going to be amazing. I am going to be amazed as soon as I finish typing this sentence and letting you know that preparing to be amazed, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!