I’m Not A Cry Baby!

A CRY BABY: NOT ANDY LAM! (I AM NOT A CRY BABY!)

I am in a tizzy! The other day, when I was making my famous BEET TACOS I was cutting up some onions. Onions are a very strange vegetable. They grow under the ground, with green spear-ish leaves that poke out of the ground. For some reason, perhaps because they grow underground, they have a very special property: they make people cry. I think this is because we are supposed to feel guilty about pulling them out of the ground and cutting them. They are the only vegetable that makes people feel so guilty when they cut them that they start to cry. Maybe there are others? I don’t know. I only know that onions make people cry when they cut them.

So there I was, cutting some onions and crying, crying, crying! Just then, Bill-Beau walked by my kitchen window. Bill-Beau is mean. He hangs around the compound even though he knows he isn’t welcome here. When he saw me crying through the window he began to laugh and ran away laughing and saying, “Hey everyone, Andy Lam is a big CRY BABY!” His friends — Chuck, Pizza and Nostril — were right there and they started laughing and shouting and hooting too!

For the rest of the day I could tell people were talking about me, ANDY LAM, being a CRY BABY. Oh, they didn’t say anything to my face (who would dare do that!) but I could sense what they were thinking and what I could sense was, “There goes ANDY LAM, the CRY BABY.”

I was very flustered and frustrated and frankly felt like crying — but I wasn’t going to give in and prove these meanies right! I just ignored them all as best I could but I felt a doubt growing inside me: maybe I was a CRY BABY? Maybe I was someone who loved to cry? I didn’t think so but it was hard to ignore the fact that the onion had made me cry. Were there other things that could make me cry too? Might it happen that I might be maybe walking down the street and something else — maybe a falling leaf or a lawnmower or a flashing yellow light or two children playing with a red wagon or a dog barking at a butterfly — might make me start to cry?

That would be a disaster! I am ANDY LAM and I am the best at everything and I should be able to see these kinds of things without crying, shouldn’t I?

There was only one way to find out! Science!

I summoned my research team to my presence. “Team,” I screeched, “I need to prove to myself, to Bill-Beau and his nasty friends and to the world that I am not a CRY BABY! I need you to do some science that proves it and I need you to do it right away!”

All of my smartest scientists put their heads together. I could hear their voices as a quiet murmur. It was like the buzzing of bees or the chirps of crickets. “ANDY LAM,” they screamed, “we have come up with a test to find out if you are, or are not, a CRY BABY!” I clapped my hands and hopped up and down. I was so excited!

They told me to meet them in the LAM LAB in 15 minutes. I went to my rooms to prepare myself. What could the test be? Would I pass it? Would I get an A+ in the not being a CRY BABY test? I was so nervous!

After 15 minutes I went down the elevator to the lowest level of the LAM LAB. There was a table covered with a black cloth. The black cloth made me very nervous. What were they hiding from me? They all looked very serious. “ANDY,” they yelled, “We have made up a test to find out if you are, or are not, a CRY BABY!”

They pulled back the black cloth. There, on the table was a clipboard and a pen. “Take it, take it, take it,” the scientists chanted. I sat at the table and with a trembling hand reached for the pen and clipboard. I saw that the clipboard had a piece of paper on it and that the paper had some questions on it. I prepared to take the test!

Question 1: Do you cry a lot? Yes or No. I circled the word “No.”

Question 2: Do you cry sometimes? Yes or No. I circled the word “Yes”

Question 3: If you answered Yes to question 2 please describe. I wrote “I cry when I cut onions.”

Question 4: Was your answer to question 3, “I cry when I cut onions”? Yes or No. I circled “Yes”

That was the end of the test and I passed it to the scientists. They told me they needed some time to analyze my test results and that they would call me when the results were ready. I went to the waiting room while the scientists used a computer to analyze my test results. I was so nervous! What if the results came back and proved that I was a CRY BABY! That would be the worst thing ever!

The clock ticked in the waiting room while I waited. A minute went by. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Finally, after four long minutes had passed a loud bell went off and the door of the waiting room opened. One of the scientists was there and asked me to come back into the LAM LAB.

“Andy,” the scientists said, “we have the results of your CRY BABY test.” They sounded very serious and I almost started to cry! What if I did cry!? That would prove I was a CRY BABY. I wished they would hurry up! “We used a computer and we fed your answers into it and after four minutes it spit out the answer. According to our science and our computer we can say with 100 percent confidence that you are NOT A CRY BABY!”

I was as happy as Miss America! They handed my a large bouquet of flowers and a crown that said “NOT A CRY BABY!” right on it! I ran from the LAM LAB to find that big jerk Bill-Beau. I found him in one of the courtyards with his jerky friends. They were still laughing about me crying.

“Look, you big jerks,” I screamed and pointed to my crown, “the scientists discovered and proved that I am NOT A CRY BABY!” Bill-Beau scrunched up his face. I could tell he was mad but he was also smart enough to know you can’t argue with science. “Come on guys,” he said gruffly, “I guess I was wrong, ANDY LAM isn’t a CRY BABY, let’s go!”

The grumbling group of jerks left and I was happy. I still am happy! I am happy that it has been scientifically proven the I AM NOT A CRY BABY!

With a great deal of new confidence, and NO TEARS running down my cheeks, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!