My Nightmare, Part 2!!

So that dinner! What a false friend that evil egg turned out to be! As we sat supping and sipping he (Rex Ovum Mundi) was plotting and scheming the whole dang time!

Just before the gong was sounded to mark the end of the meal, the Egg King raised his voice and said: ANDY LAM! You are the most fantastic person to have ever lived on this planet in all its long history! (I blushed but had to agree.) As a sign of my esteem and desire for a great and long lasting friendship, I a gift to share with you. (I was so excited! A gift from a royal egg had to be something special!) First though, I must apologize for my behavior. It was wrong of me to have barged in here like a bull into a shop filled with very breakable knick knacks made of fragile ceramics. (I looked around the room and was happy to see none of my priceless gew gaws had been broken or damaged!) Sometimes I get ahead of myself and get so excited I act recklessly, that was the case tonight. (I had to admit, I have acted recklessly on one or two occasions myself!) To seal our friendship, I propose a toast with the most fantastic draught you’ve ever tasted, an elixir for fabled you will not believe it. (He leaned in close to whisper so only I could hear as a tiny crystal decanter rose up from a secret compartment on his egg cup throne!) This decanter holds the last drops of cider made from the apple that Eve tasted in the Garden of Eden! (I was stunned into flabbergasted silence!) I would share it with you but there really isn’t enough for two and I would rather give these two tiny drops to you as a sign of my respect. I ask though that you share one of you finest drinks with me to be fair! (I called one of my attendants and sent her whisking away to get a bottle of peach schnapps that I’d been saving for a special occasion. The Egg King looked pleased when the dusty bottle was brought to the table.)

A photograph of Adam and Eve. I drank the last two drops of the cider made from that apple!

I poured a tiny dribble of the peachy booze into a tiny cup for my tiny royal guest. He passed me the tiny bottle with the two tiny drops of cider from the Garden of Eden. Cheers my friend, said the Egg and I sucked down the greatest and oldest liquor of the planet earth!

Then everything went black!

With more to tell, but still nursing a hangover, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!   

What a NIGHTMARE!

Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my! What a NIGHTMARE I have had! I won't be able to recount all of it for you now as I have a very full day of REAL healing to undergo. (Not like the stupid "treatment" I got from the eggs!)

It all started last Tuesday night. There was a KNOCK on the GATE of the BASE. I was in the great hall eating bowl after bowl of wonderful BEETSO soup and sent a squad to investigate. Soon my team returned with armloads and armloads of flats of wonderful looking eggs! On and on they came until the flats of eggs filled the room, thousands of eggs were all around us.

From the hallway leading into the GREAT HALL came the sound of trumpets. An egg honor guard marched in with big brass horns blaring. Behind the horns came rank upon rank of liveried eggs in fantastical uniforms. Behind these ranks came small cars being driven by eggs, doing all kinds of intricate synchronized maneuvers. Finally, a hoard of eggs followed, bearing a paliquin on the peaks of their shells.

One of R.O.M.'s entourage zooming around my compound!

As the paliquin snaked its way through the assembled eggs the horn players began playing what I could tell was a regal fanfare. The continued as the paliquin was set on the floor before the dais upon which and my most trusted deputies sat for our soup. When the curtains were pulled back I beheld the most perfect egg I had ever seen. This egg, I knew immediately, was none other than REX OVUM MUNDI, king egg of the world.

Rex Ovum Mundi

He had come, he explained, to parley. "ANDY LAM," the little egg bellowed in his shill voice, "you have treasure - many treasures - of which there is one that belongs rightly to me!" The eggs all shouted as a rabble is wont to do. "You will return to me this treasure!"

Of course I had no idea what this was about. Yes, it is true that I have many treasures; but I have no treasures that I have not either a) earned through the sweat of my brow, b) discovered during one of my many treasure hunts (all of which have been sanctioned by the International Association of Treasure Seekers), c) won fair and square as compensation for a mighty feat or d) received in lieu of some other form of payment.

As I explained this I could see that the egg king was becoming angry with me. His anger grew and grew and I thought he would soon blow his top. This was not something I wanted to see!

Rex Ovum Mundi is getting angry!

I had a sudden brainstorm. "Dear King," I began soothingly, "It is getting late and you've travelled far to honor my compound with your regal presence. Let us put aside this conversation for the night and enjoy one another's company. We can speak again tomorrow about this treasure you see."

My honeyed words had the desired effect. Rex Ovum Mundy calmed down and was placed on the table at my right hand in a fancy egg cup. The two of us ate the soup and drank together like two old friends. Little did I know that his friendship would prove false and that this night would be the last taste of peace I would have for many days!

Ah, my attendant has arrived and tells me I must break off this account. I shall pick it up soon. Know, however, that I am back! And that I am, as always . . .

ANDY LAM!

The last you will hear from me . . . for now

Attention! I am writing this final time to let you know the mission to retrieve the fabled Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno has been completed. 

My medical team has administered a strong soporific and now Mr. Lam, having provided entrance to the treasure cave, will sleep.

His sleep will be long and deep. When he awakes this past week will seem to him to have been nothing more than a strange dream.

I am going to leave the posts I have written during his enforced absence - including this one - in place.

They will confuse him (or should I say "you" at this point Mr. Lam?) and serve as a warning that no matter how well you believe yourself to be protected, no matter how closely you guard your secrets and treasures, no matter how confident you are in your so-called "superiority" - that you are nothing to me!

You have been conquered and now you have been warned.

Rex Ovum Mundi

I will Beat Andy Lam this Tuesday

So some of you have finally figured it out. Good on you. You don't need to worry, your precious Andy Lam is fine - for the moment. My crew has Andy tucked away while we work to get into the cave. We haven't been able to get in though and it is becoming rather frustrating. We have tried all sorts but the man either doesn't understand what we are asking, is too strong to give us what we want or doesn't know how to get into the cave himself.

Since we all know that Andy Lam is a smart cookie it is safe to say he understands our requests. Since we know that Andy has been inside the cave we can assume he knows how to enter it himself. That leaves only the middle option: that he is too strong (or stupid) to give us what we want. That will change.

Since today is "BEAT TUESDAY" as Andy would say we are going to try a new tactic. Don't worry, we aren't going to "BEAT" him per se (well, maybe a little). Believe me, when it comes to beating, my team is well versed in the practice. While none of them have been beaten themselves they have seen it happen to friends and family since time immemorial. Sometimes these beatings whip people up to a frothy frenzy. Perhaps that is what we shell do to Andy if he insists on remaining uncooperative . . . time will tell.

Now I wouldn't be much of a super villain if I didn't spend a little time monologuing and so here it goes. First, let me say that you will never see me on social media. That is for saps and suckers. Nevertheless, I - and my legions - are everywhere. There are billions of us in you homes and stores and schools and farms and everyplace else you can think of.

My name, as Andy has foolishly mentioned in the past, is Rex Ovum Mundi and I am King Egg of the World. I command a massive army of thin-shelled warriors that are ever ready to do my bidding. When I learned of Andy Lam's greatest treasure - one he said might be sat on by a chicken - I realized it might be the fabled Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno. That egg, were it allowed to hatch, would introduce into the world the only force greater than myself.

Clearly this is something I cannot allow to happen. So, a week ago, my eggs and I made our move. We snuck towards Andy's "compound" right in the middle of the day. Right under his very nose. I tricked his chef (using my powerful hypnosis, which works even at long distance) to undertake the creation of the worlds largest omelet. To do this, he would need 10,000 eggs. And so, flat after flat of my bravest warriors were brought right into Andy's home, a modern-day Trojan horse, so to speak.

This initial success was followed by another swift victory as we whisked Andy off to my own waiting Ovoid Airship hovering above his compound. Since then, however, things have progressed more slowly. Initially we told Andy he had been gravely injured in an adventuring accident and that my team of eggsperts were there to help. Given Andy's track record this was entirely plausible. We plied him with pampering treatments and cloying words - all designed to gain access to his most secret treasure cave!

Alas, these efforts have been to no avail! Eventually Andy realized that we were not who we said we were. He was astute enough, after a few days, to realize that we were an army of eggs rather than a crack medical team. Once he realized this his massive brain snapped into gear and he immediately understood the nature of our mission. Since then he has kept his mouth shut - and if you know Andy you will know this is not his natural state.

Today will be different. Today I have summoned my egg beaters and they will do their messy work, flinging themselves in wave after suicidal wave against the bulwark that is Andy Lam. Being pelted by my egg army for hour after hour is sure to crack him! And when he cracks, I will gain access to the cave and retrieve (and destroy) the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno.

And then I will return Andy to his regularly scheduled life of inanity. Frankly, it can't happen soon enough as this is interfering with my own plans for world domination. You will have your idiot back and I will be on my way.

R.O.M.

What a funny day.

Hello everyone I am back. What a funny day I am having. I saw something funny. Before I tell you about it I should say a big "thank you" to the kind and generous people who took care of me when I was not well. They were eggstremely caring and took eggscellent care of me. I have decided that I should repay these people. I would like to give them all of the treasures that I have. Even the one from the cave. Unfortunately, I do not remember all of the details of the various security systems I have in place. If anyone has the security details - particularly the details for the cave - will you please send them to me at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com. Giving these people access to my wealth is the least I can do for them.

Here are some of the funny things I saw today. A car with a dent. A cracked window. A pile of garbage. A person who looked lost. An old phone booth with the phone missing.

Always looking out for funny things, my name is Andy Lam.

Andy Lam, Update #4

Mr. Lam's unwillingness to appreciate the gravity of his situation is rather alarming. We have repeatedly impressed upon him the consequences of his continued behavior. Unfortunately, he either doesn't believe those consequences are real or believes that they are less serious than they, in fact, are.

We truly wish Mr. Lam well but fear things may not end positively for him in this situation.

Andy Lam, Update #3

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I must ask that you remain calm and patient. Mr. Lam continues to be treated appropriately and with care and respect. We are doing our utmost to return him to his normal activities but this will depend on his compliance with our directions.

That is all.