Join the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB!

President Trump is a member of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB! You can be too!

(This is a post from MAY but I think it is still super relevant TODAY I am interested in hearing what you have to SAY so email me, OKAY!)

If you are like me, you are a strong, sure and wonderful person. You are also probably someone that deserves whatever you want, whenever you want it and wherever you want it, etc. You, if you are like me, may see a space that you would like to stand in and say to yourself, "hey, I would like to stand in the space!" I say go for it!

If someone else is in that space just push them out of it! Join the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB to get where you want to be! Don’t stand for someone standing in the space that you would like to stand! The chances are, the person taking up the space where you would like to stand probably shouldn’t be standing in that space to begin with and so it is totally OK for you to simply go, shove them out of the way and stand in the space that you would like to stand.

For a long time, I had the idea of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB but I was reluctant to really GO FOR IT! What if I were mistaken and the person standing in the space where I would like to stand thought they were supposed to be standing there? What if they had seen that space before me and thought, “hey, I would like to stand in that space” and walked right over and stood in it like they owned it.

Then I realized, not standing in the space that you are supposed to stand in is for chumps and if someone is in your way — whether by accident or on purpose or “accidentally on purpose — than you should just give them a good hard shove and stand in the space you are supposed to stand in! It’s really so simple when you think about it.

You see a space. It is a good space. It is the right space for you to be standing. You see someone standing in that good space, the right space for you to be standing. You give them a good hard shove and then YOU are standing in that space! So easy!

Let me give you a few examples of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB in action:

• Gary, Indiana — movie line, 5:56 pm, Tuesday, May 30: I was at the end of the line but I saw a space at the front of the line that looked like a better space for me. I moseyed on up, put my hand together in a vertical position and shoved the person standing in that space right out of my way. Then I was where I belonged, at the front of the line!
• Muncie, Indiana — ice cream shop, 10:40pm, Tuesday, May 30: There was a small group of people looking at some ice cream. They were standing and staring at the ice cream. I wanted to eat some ice cream but couldn’t see the ice cream because a small group of people was looking at the ice cream so I couldn’t decide what flavor ice cream I wanted. This was a problem. I had a solution. I just gave one of them a good hard shove to one side and I was able to see the ice cream. I chose pistachio. It was good. I got it sooner because I was a shover.
• Presque Isle, Maine — school assembly, 8:20 am, Wednesday, May 31: I was waiting to get a special award of appreciation for all of the wonderful things I do. There were a lot of other people there too. I was looking around. There was a line of people waiting. I didn’t want to wait. I saw a space that I wanted to stand in because it was the closest to the person giving out the awards. I am a busy and important man. I don’t have time to waste standing in a bad space when I can see a better one! What did I do? You guessed it! I just walked up, shoved the person standing in the space I wanted to stand in out of the way and got my special award of appreciation. So simple!

Those are just three teeny-tiny examples of my expert shoving in action. I think it is the right thing to do when you see something you want, or a place you want to stand, and someone is standing in your way. Who do they think they are standing in the space — my space! — where I want to stand! It’s simply crazy that I am expected not to stand where I am supposed to stand because someone was standing there first. That makes no sense at all!

And, if you’re anything like me, you’ll agree. And, if you agree, I think you’ll want to join the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB. And, if you join the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB, you won’t have to wait or stand in a space that isn’t the space that you want to stand in ever again.

Now I have let you in on a little secret of mine, this whole ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB thing. But if you join you won’t be the first or only member! Not by a long shot! First of all, I — ANDY LAM — am a member in good standing of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB. To be honest, many people are members. You see them all over the place, shoving their way to the space where they want to be. It is just the right thing to do!

I was so excited to see PRESIDENT DONALD J TRUMP — a long-time member of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB — shoving his way to the space where he not only wanted to stand but where he was supposed to be standing! His recent shove was truly a MASTER CLASS in shoving and I was just so thrilled. You will be too when you become a member of the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB!

Never standing anywhere but where I want to stand, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

If you want more exciting info about the ANDY LAM SHOVE CLUB why not send me, ANDY LAM, an email at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com!

My Great Deed!

The Frog!

I have done my good deed, no - my GREAT deed - for the day. No! Not for the day - for the week! No! Not for the week - for the month! No! Not for the month - for the quarter! No! Not for the quarter - for the year! No! Not for the year - for the decade! No! Not for the decade - for the century! No! Not for the century - for the millennium! No! Not for the millennium - for all of earth’s history! No! Not for all of earth’s history - FOR ALL TIME PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE!

It is rare for me to toot my own horn or pat my own back or sing my own praises or call attention to myself for my many wonderful works and deeds. Most of the time I am what you might call a shrinking violet, a wallflower even. I eschew the limelight and stay away from center stage. My modesty is legendary! If you see a bushel and look underneath it you will find my light there.

Sometimes, though, no matter how intensely private I may be, I do need to call out to say, “World, take note! I - ANDY LAM! - have done something that is beyond wonderful! I have done something that will make this world a better place for this generation and all those yet to come. Even when humanity has left this beautiful blue marble to make its mark in the stars, song will still be sung of the deed of which I am speaking!”

A statue, at the very least, is needed to celebrate my awesome effort. The statue I would like to see of me is something special. I have spent some time with my ANDY LAM ART ARMY to design it and have also called in my engineers to make certain its construction is not only feasible but also that it is strong enough to last for all time.

The statue shall be 36,000 feet tall and made of solid gold. At 10,000 feet, this glimmering work of art will be visible from outer space. It will dwarf the puny Statue of Liberty, which is only 305 feet tall and isn’t even of a real person FYI, and it won’t be green but shimmering and shiny gold! For the eyes, they should be made of diamonds (for the whites) and emeralds and aquamarine for the pupils. My massive lips should be made of rubies. As is fitting for works such as this, I shall be presented nude, so every aspect of my heroic form can be viewed and marveled at!

Logically, such a wonderful work should be in the place where the most people will be able to see and wonder at it every day. To find such a place I consulted a team of experts - namely the mayors of every city and town in the world. I didn’t tell them it was about the placement of the massive statue I had in mind because I know mayors and they are very big rivals! They are always trying to “one up” each other with one superlative or another and this statue is certainly the most superlative of them all!

Anyhoodle, I got data from all of them and found that Mumbai would be the perfect location. True, with a population of 14.3 million it is far from the largest city in the world; but in terms of population density it can’t be beat! Those 14.3 million are crammed into just 484 square kilometers, which means there are almost 30,000 people per square kilometer! Every day these lucky people will be able to gaze up at my naked form looming above them proudly!

If only the people of Mumbai were to see my statue though, would it be enough? Of course not! My statue will be so tall that airplanes will need to fly around it way up in the sky! To make the most of this fact, I have called all of the air traffic controllers in the world and said, “Hello! It is me - ANDY LAM! - with an urgent announcement! I am planning a giant statue, made of gold, that will be 36,000 feet tall and in Mumbai. I want everyone to see it and so all flights in the world should change their routes to fly around it regardless of where they take off or are planning to land!” Of course, all of the air traffic controllers said yes and that this was the best idea they had ever heard!

Next I called all of the teachers in the world and said, “Hello! It is me - ANDY LAM! - with an urgent announcement! I am planning a giant statue, made of gold, that will be 36,000 feet tall and in Mumbai. I want everyone to see it and so all school field trips in the world should plan on visiting it!” Of course, all of the teachers said yes and that this plan make so much sense they would change their class trip plans right away!

Next I called all of the ship captains in the world and said, “Hello! It is me - ANDY LAM! - with an urgent announcement! I am planning a giant statue, made of gold, that will be 36,000 feet tall and in Mumbai. I want everyone to see it and so of the ships in the world should said past Mumbai so the people on the ships can see the statue!” Of course, all of the ship captains said yes and began changing course so they could see the statue!

This statue will be my greatest gift to the people of the planet earth! They (including you and everyone you know) will love to look up at it. Binoculars will be given to everyone so they can see it better! This will be the single greatest thing ever built on the planet earth and I think that people from other planets will want to come to see it too. It will put the planet earth on the space tourism map!

And just what was the deed for which this gigantic statue is going to be constructed? Well, here’s what happened. I was out in one of the many lawns around my compound this morning and high in the sky I saw a bird - probably an eagle, I thought, since it’s almost the 4th of July - circling and circling. I could tell the bird was looking for something to eat. With my own eagle eyes, I scanned the lawn around me to see what this eagle was planning to eat and I saw it, a very small frog!

This frog was just minding its own business and hopping around happily. It didn’t know there was an eagle circling around in the sky thinking of eating it! This happy little creature didn’t know that its life hung in the balance - would the eagle swoop down from the sky and eat it or would ANDY LAM! arrive on the scene first to rescue it! I saw the eagle fix its hungry gaze on the tiny frog and prepare to dive! I began to run around the lawn as fast as possible as the eagle streaked from the sky!

Faster and faster we both went, straining our muscles to reach the happy little frog! The eagle was a blur in the blue sky! I was a blur on the green lawn! Our paths were both going to converge on the frog at the same time! Who would come out on top!?!?! With a mighty effort I threw myself forward, through the air and over the tiny frog, who now realize the pickle it was in! Just as I made myself into a protective shield for the frog I felt the eagle’s terrible talons ripping into my flesh! I screamed in pain and rolled and twisted to face the flapping bird! I grabbed it by the beak and swung it over my head. I spun it and spun it and spun it until I was sure it was really dizzy - then I flung it into the air! It flew without flapping its wings high into the sky until it was just a tiny dot and then I couldn’t see it any more.

I turned to the frog. It was hopping happily and croaking. “You’re very welcome,” I croaked back and hopped a few times too. Having been almost eaten by a bird myself I know what terror that can be and was glad to spare this little frog that terrible fate. It is for this that I think the statue should be built and so far everyone agrees.

With yet another achievement to be humble about, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

My AMAZING Morning!

Be sure to brush your AMAZING teeth every day or you might need fake teeth like these!

Hello and welcome to another week of wonder! Every week, nay — every day, nay — every hour, nay — ever minute, nay — every second — all are opportunities for wonder! All you need to do is open your eyes and you will see and hear and taste and smell and feel the most wonderful things all around you every day all the time. Believe me, I have tested this theory and can tell you that it is 100 percent true! Let me give you just a few examples of WONDERFUL things that have already happened to me on this day!

I woke up! Yes, I went from an unconscious to a semiconscious to a fully conscious state over the course of a brief span of time! It was utterly amazing. As soon as I was fully awake I started blaring the warning klaxons around the compound to wake everyone else to share my amazing waking achievement! They were as surprised and amazed as I had been!

I went to the bathroom! Like most people, I — ANDY LAM! — has to regularly evacuate my bladder and bowels. Unlike most people, however, I make a giant song and dance about it. Being an intensely private person, however, I shall keep the details of this miraculous event to myself. Let me just say, however, that it is amazing!

I ate a banana! In case you aren’t familiar with “bananas,” they are a fruit that is usually yellow, about eight inches long and protected by a tough, fibrous peel. By removing the peel one is able to access the sweet meat of the fruit hidden inside. Before I learned of the peel I didn’t find bananas very nice. The peel made them tough to chew and really detracted from the taste of the fruit itself. Peeling them is much easier than you’d think. The banana comes with a handle on the top (or the bottom depending on how you are holding it) and by pulling on this handle hidden seams in the peel suddenly give way, “peeling” back to expose the tasty fruit. Since I became a pro at eating bananas I often eat 10 or 15 of them each and every day. I guess you could say they “make a monkey out of me!”

I drank some water! Sometimes water is dangerous to drink or even be around. I have mentioned the terrible issue of the sea monsters in Massachusetts and the brave Troopers who keep the citizens of that state safe. It goes to show just how dangerous water can be. The water in the sea is salt water and is good for cooking but not for drinking. I drink non-salt water that my hydrologist finds for me, selecting only the very best and sweetest and healthiest water from around the world. She sends me glasses of this water by special plane — a fleet of which are in constant motion with glasses of water for me to drink. They circle over the airfield, ready to land whenever I need to wet my whistle. In this way I am assured the very best water at any time I like! It is a perfect system.

Did I mention that I brushed my teeth!?! Yes, I did that too today! I used my ANDY LAM PREP POUCH for this and all my hygiene needs. This is something I invented and it is amazing! You climb into it like a sleeping bag but instead of lying down you are standing up. It’s totally voice controlled so you just have to say something like, “brush my teeth” and the pouch springs to action! Gears begin to turn, wheels spin, levers and pulleys click and clack and suddenly a toothbrush is thrust into your mouth! You don’t need to do anything! It just brushes your teeth clean and fresh in a snap. The PREP POUCH also dresses me, which saves me almost 45 seconds — precious time that can be spent on other amazing things!

I sat down to write! That’s right, as soon as I get dressed and fed and cleaned up I begin to write! What you are reading now is what I am writing, or at least what I wrote. I just finished writing the previous sentence and am now coming to the end of this one. Now I am starting a new sentence. Just finished it! Just finished another one! Now I am in the middle of sentence, now I am at the end of it! This is amazing to me! I put my fingers on pieces of plastic and what is in my head appears on my screen and then they appear on your screen, like they are right now! How this works is a mystery to me but I will say that it is amazing!

I am going to stop writing soon. I have a few more sentences to write and then I am going to do an amazing tour of my compound to make sure everything is shipshape. I am sure that it will be because that is the way things always are: shipshape and amazing!

I can only hope your day is as AMAZING as mind, because mine is going to be amazing. I am going to be amazed as soon as I finish typing this sentence and letting you know that preparing to be amazed, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!