My Nightmare, Part 3!!!

Waking up with a hangover caused by being tricked into drinking the last two drops of cider made from the apple from the Garden of Eden and tied to a chair wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me that next day. Yes, my head was pounding like the minion blacksmiths of Vulcan (and his minion blacksmiths are nothing if not expert pounders!); no, the worst thing that next morning was to wake up in my treasure vaults and watching the eggs clear out all of my treasures!

I immediately regretted the fact that I had, inadvertently, disclosed the passcodes to all of the many locked and barred doors that protected my most valuable items, including the million pounds of gold - mostly gold bars but also some giant nuggets that I found when I was exploring some abandoned mines in South America once and the pile of rubies that is 10 feet tall and the pile of emeralds that is also 10 feet tall and all of the pearls in my fabled "pearl pit" which is like those really fun ball pits you see at amusement parks or fast food restaurant play areas; but instead of being filled with colorful plastic balls, this one is full of precious pearls and the mountain of Spanish doubloons that is so tall you need an oxygen mask to get to the top. I found these in a bunch of shipwrecks on the bottom of the ocean and the 1000 paintings by very famous painters, mostly they are on velvet which is such a wonderful material for really bringing art to life and the 10,000 suitcases full of money. All kinds of money (except doubloons, which I keep in a mountain) including French Francs, Deutsche Marks, Belgian Francs, Austrian Schillings, Maltese Lira, Greek Drachmas, Dutch Gulden, Cypriot Pounds, Irish Pounds, Portuguese Escudos, Estonian Kroons, Italian Liras, Slovak Korunas, Finnish Markkas, Latvian Lats, Slovenian Tolars, Lithuanian Litas, Spanish Pesetas and Luxembourgian Francs. This money alone is worth so much and the molten platinum in a vat and my collection of luxury fishing lures and my library of the most famous and rare books in the world and the very old food that is bound to be worth something and the very old clothing (mostly from the days of Ancient Egypt) that is bound to be worth something and my collection of vintage powerboats and my fleet of 20 747s (which the eggs had to disassemble to get out of the vault!), and the million bottles of the best wine in the world and the 99 bottles of beer on the wall (which they kept taking down, one by one, and passing around) and the gram of yslthayt (the rarest material in the universe. It hasn't been discovered by earth scientists yet and I had to promise not to show it to anyone for a super long time) and the other mountain of assorted gemstones. I don't know what they are but they are very shiny and very precious and every piece of mail I have ever received and copies of all of the mail I have ever sent, even all of my bills!

As I watch all of these treasure slowly drain away I noticed that Rex Ovum Mundi was becoming increasingly agitated. He was opening each bag of loot, each chest of treasure, each belt of money. I could tell he was searching for something - but what? What could this angry egg be after!?!?!

By dawn the following day, the vaults were bare. The room had been picked clean. There weren’t two coins left to rub together. Rex climbed to the top of a tall step ladder and attempted to loom over me (no small feat for an egg!). “Where is it, blast you,” he shrieked in his brittle little voice, “where is it,” he screamed again and again.

Not knowing what he was referring to I began to answer as best I could.

The Hudson Bay is in Canada. Mount Vesuvius is in Italy. The moon is in orbit around the earth. The goldfish are in the pond. The car is in the garage. The biscuits are in the oven. The children are in the playground. The cows are in the pasture. The passengers are on the platform. The police are at the station. The books are on the shelf. The cushions are on the couch. The pens are in the cup. The forks are in the drawer. The classes are in the main building. The spices are in the rack. The cars are in the garage. The airplanes are in the hanger. The fish are in the sea. The staples are in the drawer. The doilies are in the hutch. The rabbits are in the hutch (but not the same hutch as the doilies). The books are on the shelf. The music is on the stave. The smoke is in the chimney. The ball is in the glove. The frog is in the pond.

I went on and on like this from dawn to dusk, naming and placing some 45,000 items. None of them, however, was what Rex was looking for. He became red and angry again and I could almost see steam coming out of his ears.

“You know what I mean!” he finally shouted, “I’m not interested in your nonsense! Where is the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno?!”

I pressed my lips together tightly and shook my head. The egg glared at me angrily. “Untie my hands,” I told him. The egg motioned to a few of his henchmen. They untied my right hand. I used it to zip my lips and I threw the invisible key far from my chair.

The egg was boiling mad! “You will crack,” he hissed, “you will crack.”

I just shook my head and sat in silence.

After a few hours Rex ran from the room and I was left king of my now stripped domain. Regardless of what this foolish egg might do to me, I was - and would remain and always will be . . .

ANDY LAM!

The #BeetTuesday posts will resume next week, I hope!

My Great Deed!

The Frog!

I have done my good deed, no - my GREAT deed - for the day. No! Not for the day - for the week! No! Not for the week - for the month! No! Not for the month - for the quarter! No! Not for the quarter - for the year! No! Not for the year - for the decade! No! Not for the decade - for the century! No! Not for the century - for the millennium! No! Not for the millennium - for all of earth’s history! No! Not for all of earth’s history - FOR ALL TIME PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE!

It is rare for me to toot my own horn or pat my own back or sing my own praises or call attention to myself for my many wonderful works and deeds. Most of the time I am what you might call a shrinking violet, a wallflower even. I eschew the limelight and stay away from center stage. My modesty is legendary! If you see a bushel and look underneath it you will find my light there.

Sometimes, though, no matter how intensely private I may be, I do need to call out to say, “World, take note! I - ANDY LAM! - have done something that is beyond wonderful! I have done something that will make this world a better place for this generation and all those yet to come. Even when humanity has left this beautiful blue marble to make its mark in the stars, song will still be sung of the deed of which I am speaking!”

A statue, at the very least, is needed to celebrate my awesome effort. The statue I would like to see of me is something special. I have spent some time with my ANDY LAM ART ARMY to design it and have also called in my engineers to make certain its construction is not only feasible but also that it is strong enough to last for all time.

The statue shall be 36,000 feet tall and made of solid gold. At 10,000 feet, this glimmering work of art will be visible from outer space. It will dwarf the puny Statue of Liberty, which is only 305 feet tall and isn’t even of a real person FYI, and it won’t be green but shimmering and shiny gold! For the eyes, they should be made of diamonds (for the whites) and emeralds and aquamarine for the pupils. My massive lips should be made of rubies. As is fitting for works such as this, I shall be presented nude, so every aspect of my heroic form can be viewed and marveled at!

Logically, such a wonderful work should be in the place where the most people will be able to see and wonder at it every day. To find such a place I consulted a team of experts - namely the mayors of every city and town in the world. I didn’t tell them it was about the placement of the massive statue I had in mind because I know mayors and they are very big rivals! They are always trying to “one up” each other with one superlative or another and this statue is certainly the most superlative of them all!

Anyhoodle, I got data from all of them and found that Mumbai would be the perfect location. True, with a population of 14.3 million it is far from the largest city in the world; but in terms of population density it can’t be beat! Those 14.3 million are crammed into just 484 square kilometers, which means there are almost 30,000 people per square kilometer! Every day these lucky people will be able to gaze up at my naked form looming above them proudly!

If only the people of Mumbai were to see my statue though, would it be enough? Of course not! My statue will be so tall that airplanes will need to fly around it way up in the sky! To make the most of this fact, I have called all of the air traffic controllers in the world and said, “Hello! It is me - ANDY LAM! - with an urgent announcement! I am planning a giant statue, made of gold, that will be 36,000 feet tall and in Mumbai. I want everyone to see it and so all flights in the world should change their routes to fly around it regardless of where they take off or are planning to land!” Of course, all of the air traffic controllers said yes and that this was the best idea they had ever heard!

Next I called all of the teachers in the world and said, “Hello! It is me - ANDY LAM! - with an urgent announcement! I am planning a giant statue, made of gold, that will be 36,000 feet tall and in Mumbai. I want everyone to see it and so all school field trips in the world should plan on visiting it!” Of course, all of the teachers said yes and that this plan make so much sense they would change their class trip plans right away!

Next I called all of the ship captains in the world and said, “Hello! It is me - ANDY LAM! - with an urgent announcement! I am planning a giant statue, made of gold, that will be 36,000 feet tall and in Mumbai. I want everyone to see it and so of the ships in the world should said past Mumbai so the people on the ships can see the statue!” Of course, all of the ship captains said yes and began changing course so they could see the statue!

This statue will be my greatest gift to the people of the planet earth! They (including you and everyone you know) will love to look up at it. Binoculars will be given to everyone so they can see it better! This will be the single greatest thing ever built on the planet earth and I think that people from other planets will want to come to see it too. It will put the planet earth on the space tourism map!

And just what was the deed for which this gigantic statue is going to be constructed? Well, here’s what happened. I was out in one of the many lawns around my compound this morning and high in the sky I saw a bird - probably an eagle, I thought, since it’s almost the 4th of July - circling and circling. I could tell the bird was looking for something to eat. With my own eagle eyes, I scanned the lawn around me to see what this eagle was planning to eat and I saw it, a very small frog!

This frog was just minding its own business and hopping around happily. It didn’t know there was an eagle circling around in the sky thinking of eating it! This happy little creature didn’t know that its life hung in the balance - would the eagle swoop down from the sky and eat it or would ANDY LAM! arrive on the scene first to rescue it! I saw the eagle fix its hungry gaze on the tiny frog and prepare to dive! I began to run around the lawn as fast as possible as the eagle streaked from the sky!

Faster and faster we both went, straining our muscles to reach the happy little frog! The eagle was a blur in the blue sky! I was a blur on the green lawn! Our paths were both going to converge on the frog at the same time! Who would come out on top!?!?! With a mighty effort I threw myself forward, through the air and over the tiny frog, who now realize the pickle it was in! Just as I made myself into a protective shield for the frog I felt the eagle’s terrible talons ripping into my flesh! I screamed in pain and rolled and twisted to face the flapping bird! I grabbed it by the beak and swung it over my head. I spun it and spun it and spun it until I was sure it was really dizzy - then I flung it into the air! It flew without flapping its wings high into the sky until it was just a tiny dot and then I couldn’t see it any more.

I turned to the frog. It was hopping happily and croaking. “You’re very welcome,” I croaked back and hopped a few times too. Having been almost eaten by a bird myself I know what terror that can be and was glad to spare this little frog that terrible fate. It is for this that I think the statue should be built and so far everyone agrees.

With yet another achievement to be humble about, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

A Visit to My Vault!

One Ethiopian Birr, just one part of my fabulous wealth!

Yesterday I was talking to someone. This is something I think I do most days. In fact, if I think about it, every day since I was able to talk (which I can't remember because I think I was probably a baby at the time) I have spoken and/or been spoken to. This is the natural order of things for people like me, who have a fully-functional vocal tract and ears. So, as I was saying, I was talking to someone yesterday and the subject of PRECIOUS stones and metals came up. It reminded me of the fantastic treasures I have safely tucked away in the vaults deep beneath my compound and I decided that I ought to visit my vaults to roll around in all of my fantastic wealth and treasure!

Now I am not going to tell you how to get into my vault because to do so would risk someone sneaking in in the middle of the night, probably dressed in black and tip-toeing like a cat burglar, and stealing all of my wonderful coins and gems and jewels and gold bars and all of the other super valuable things I have down there. While I am not going to tell you how to get into the vaults I am going to tell you about my trip to them and all of the fun I had!

First I went over to the barn. That is where the entrance to the vaults is located. Not in the barn itself but in the silo that's right next to the barn. There's a ladder that goes up the side of the silo and I had to climb that first (yes, sometimes you need to go UP to go DOWN!). To get to the ladder this is a key pad you need to use. I pressed in the code: 5-5-5-5 and the metal grate at the base of the ladder opened. I began the climb. It was important for me to remember that every red rung on the ladder was a dummy rung and if I put any weight on one of them it would give way and I would fall. It's a simple but effective security measure!

At the top of the silo ladder there is a platform with a door - and another keypad! I pressed in the code: 5-5-5-5 (I use that for most things since it's so easy for me to remember!). With a quiet whirr, the door on the platform slid open and I stepped into what I like to call my "grain elevator!" (you see, because it's an elevator in a silo that's full of grain, get it!) and punched in the code: 5-5-5-5 to unlock the elevator. Then I pressed the floor button. To trick people, I have a lot of buttons on the elevator control panel, mostly numbers but a few letters and a couple of symbols as well. Unless someone presses the right one (the one with the $) the elevator is locked and an alarm sounds and my security team arrives in no time flat!

I pressed the button with the $ and the elevator began to go down. It takes several minutes because the elevator starts way up above the ground (at the top of the silo) and has to go deep underground (to the vaults. In order to open the elevator door I pressed in the code - you guessed it - 5-5-5-5! Stepping out of the elevator there is a long corridor with bare light bulbs hanging every five feet or so. Along the corridor - which is bare concrete - are plain metal doors. Each door has a number and each number is "5." I did this to confuse people even more.

In order not to confuse myself I had the door to the treasure room painted green with a big gold $ on it. I walked to that door and entered the code (5-5-5-5) to unlock it. The door unlocked and I stepped into the vault. I have one of the most ingenious things in the vault - a "sensor" that "detects" motion and "turns on" the lights automatically. This labor-saving device lets me see in the vault without having to flick the switch that is next to the door.

When the lights came on I was able to behold my treasures! Let me list them here for you to be boggled by!

• A million pounds of gold - mostly gold bars but also some giant nuggets that I found when I was exploring some abandoned mines in South America once.
• A pile of rubies that is 10 feet tall.
• A pile of emeralds that is also 10 feet tall.
• My fabled "pearl pit" which is like those really fun ball pits you see at amusement parks or fast food restaurant play areas; but instead of being filled with colorful plastic balls, this one is full of precious pearls!
• A mountain of Spanish doubloons that is so tall you need an oxygen mask to get to the top. I found these in a bunch of shipwrecks on the bottom of the ocean.
• 1000 paintings by very famous painters, mostly they are on velvet which is such a wonderful material for really bringing art to life.
• 10,000 suitcases full of money. All kinds of money (except doubloons, which I keep in a mountain) including French Francs, Deutsche Marks, Belgian Francs, Austrian Schillings, Maltese Lira, Greek Drachmas, Dutch Gulden, Cypriot Pounds, Irish Pounds, Portuguese Escudos, Estonian Kroons, Italian Liras, Slovak Korunas, Finnish Markkas, Latvian Lats, Slovenian Tolars, Lithuanian Litas, Spanish Pesetas and Luxembourgian Francs. This money along is worth so much!
• A huge vat of molten platinum (I like to be sure to have some liquid assets!)
• My collection of fishing lures.
• A library of the most famous and rare books in the world.
• Some very old food that is bound to be worth something.
• Some very old clothing (mostly from the days of Ancient Egypt) that is bound to be worth something.
• A collection of vintage powerboats.
• My fleet of 20 747s. Unfortunately, because they are all in the vault and I can't get them out I can't actually use them anymore :-(.
• One million bottles of the best wine in the world.
• 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
• A gram of yslthayt (the rarest material in the universe. It hasn't been discovered by earth scientists yet and I had to promise not to show it to anyone for a super long time).
• Another mountain of assorted gem stones. I don't know what they are but they are very shiny and very precious.
• Every piece of mail I have ever received and copies of all of the mail I have ever sent, even all of my bills!

I would go on but I realize it may seem like I am bragging about my tremendous wealth and treasures. That is the LAST thing I want to do! I am, as you probably have guessed by now, one of the most humble people in the world, no - the solar system, no - the galaxy, no - the galactic cluster, no - the universe, no - the multiverse, no - all time and space, forward and backward, folded and unfolded. It also happens that I am tremendously blessed with riches that exceed the collective wealth of the entire planet for all time. But I don't let it go to my head!

With WAY more than two coins to run together, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!