I am FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD!

A crowd celebrating the news that I am FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD!

Hello and good day to everyone out there in the world; a world so wide there was once a TV program (these are episodic or magazine style broadcasts that cover a range of topics or forms of entertainment) called the WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS. Today I want to share something I learned about myself this past weekend. First, I should say that no matter how old or young you are, no matter how tall or short you are, no matter how serious or funny you are, no matter if you have oily skin or dry, no matter what size shoe you wear, no matter if you are rich or poor, no matter if you are hungry or full, no matter if you live on a farm or a giant castle, no matter if you hair is straight or curly, no matter if you think Miller Lite tastes great or is less filling, no matter if you prefer Star Trek to Star Wars (or vice versa), no matter what, I suggest that every day you try to learn something you didn’t know when you woke up in the morning.

This is something I do every day. Let me share a few things I’ve learned before diving into my main point. If you step on a sharp rock it hurts. If you let go of a branch when you are climbing a tree it increases your chance of falling by 100 percent. Computers (at least the stupid one I had!) do not work underwater. You can mix chocolate flavoring into milk to create what I like to call “chocolate milk,” which is really good and am recommending it to absolutely everyone these days! Aiming a fan at your barbecue will make it burn faster and hotter, perfect if you are in a rush! Most numbers are odd or even. No matter what bait you use, there is nothing you can use to trap a computer mouse. If you see a sign that says “danger,” be sure to read the fine print to find out if the danger is one you care about. All of these interesting and exciting things? I learned them just in the past week! Hopefully, if you try hard, you will have a list like this yourself someday!

So anyway, like I said in the first paragraph, I learned something this weekend. I learned that I - ANDY LAM! - am a FEMINIST!

My lesson started innocently enough. I was at a VERY POSH noshery and watering hole when I espied a lovely maiden (or, more accurately, a matron) holding just the cutest baby you ever did see! As is the case for all babies, this one was crying lustily. At first I revelled in the infant’s caterwauling but soon even I was reaching my limit. I could feel the other diners’ eyes upon me. As is typical, when I enter a room - any room - I am recognized as the natural leader of those assembled. It is a responsibility I take very seriously! Anyhoodle, the other diners were clearly irritated and were counting on ME to restore a sense of order and decorum to the situation.

I put down the turkey leg upon which I had been gnawing, untied the napkin from around my neck and pushed my chair back ostentatiously. Standing, I fixed my gaze on the young woman and her unhappy child. She (the matron, not the baby) was beautiful. All that popped into my head as I walked toward her were the words “hubba hubba” that the sound of a steam whistle blowing. When I stood before here the first words out of my mouth were these, which - as is always the case with my every utterance - were perfectly matched to the situation:

“Madam,” I began, “I believe I speak for all of the diners here when I say we would fully support you nursing your child here for us.”

At first a pink hue flushed her pale and perfect face and throat. But then I think she understood my meaning and unbuttoned her shirt and let the grumpy child feed heartily. With that the room broke into loud cheers and wild applause. The young mother acknowledged the cheers with a wave of her right hand, the type of wave a queen might employ when acknowledging her cheering subjects. I strode triumphantly back to my table.

Unbeknownst to me, the young lady and other diners were working surreptitiously on a thank you card and gift for me. When I finished my seventh drumstick and had placed the bone in the special crystal pail I use for all of my meal scraps, I heard the tinking of a fork or knife on the side of a glass. A throat was cleared:

“ANDY LAM! Not only have you graced us with your presence here tonight [at which point there were many “hear hears”] but you saved what could have been a very difficult dining experience by your smart advice to the young mother. [More “hear hears.”] Your action was the perfect expression of feminist virtue and for that you should be praised. [Now shouts of “praise be!”] A very special someone would now like to say a few words.”

At that, the maitre d’ stood. “Andy, you honor us by your patronage. We know that a man as powerful and esteemed as you have the world at your feet, every sow’s ear for you is transformed into a silk purse and by choosing to dine with us tonight you made our humble restaurant the pinnacle of taste and class. [“Yes, yes,” the people shouted!] Not only that though! By thinking on your feet and taking a strong feminist position you did more - you made our restaurant the nexus of feminist virtue. [“Yes, praise be Andy!.] I have been authorized,” the maitre d’ continued, “to bestow upon you the title of RESTAURANT SAVIOR with three gold chevrons, which entitles you to dine her for free for life!” [“For life, for life,” the ecstatic diners echoed.

In the pandemonium, the young mother rose to her feet and struggled to make her voice heard over the din. When her posture was noticed and clinking of silverware on glassware resounded through the dining room. All eyes were upon her as she cradled the babe and held it to her breast. “Too few people,” she began uncertainly, “have the courage to speak up in situations like this one Mr. Lam. [“True, true” was heard in the room.] You took what everyone one was thinking, what I was thinking and put it into beautiful words. Words I am going to remember and live by. As a woman and a mother I should be able to nurse my baby wherever and whenever I need to! [Defining applause and cheering!] I want to announce now, to all of you, that I am renaming my baby. Her name was Li’l Omie Wise but now she shall be known across the world as ANDI LAM!! [This led to REAL pandemonium!] You are FEMINIST HERO of the WORLD!!”

I was so moved and distracted that I hardly noticed the giant golden tablet with “ANDY LAM: FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD” Inscribed upon it. When it was handed to me I was overcome by emotion. I cried and cried and even though Bill-Beau was in the room (as a busboy) and would tell people I was being a cry baby I didn’t care. I blubbered like a school girl, hugging the tablet to my chest. As I sobbed, the maitre d’ draped my RESTAURANT SAVIOR cape (with three gold chevrons) around my shoulders. I tried to speak, I really did, but there are no words that can capture the magic of a moment like this! For 40 minutes I stood there with tears streaming freely down my cheeks and soon the entire room was in tears too. Why I even saw that big jerk Bill-Beau wiping his eyes - maybe he’s not all bad after all!

Eventually the magic did fade from the moment and everyone self-consciously took their seats and began to finish their meals. The room was subdued - you could feel that something profound had taken place and that in each heart a new moment of sacred memory had been born. In this room - among these people - I, ANDY LAM!, had become both a RESTAURANT SAVIOR (with three gold chevrons) AND FEMINIST HERO OF THE WORLD!

With a renewed sense of self-awe, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

My Great Deed!

The Frog!

I have done my good deed, no - my GREAT deed - for the day. No! Not for the day - for the week! No! Not for the week - for the month! No! Not for the month - for the quarter! No! Not for the quarter - for the year! No! Not for the year - for the decade! No! Not for the decade - for the century! No! Not for the century - for the millennium! No! Not for the millennium - for all of earth’s history! No! Not for all of earth’s history - FOR ALL TIME PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE!

It is rare for me to toot my own horn or pat my own back or sing my own praises or call attention to myself for my many wonderful works and deeds. Most of the time I am what you might call a shrinking violet, a wallflower even. I eschew the limelight and stay away from center stage. My modesty is legendary! If you see a bushel and look underneath it you will find my light there.

Sometimes, though, no matter how intensely private I may be, I do need to call out to say, “World, take note! I - ANDY LAM! - have done something that is beyond wonderful! I have done something that will make this world a better place for this generation and all those yet to come. Even when humanity has left this beautiful blue marble to make its mark in the stars, song will still be sung of the deed of which I am speaking!”

A statue, at the very least, is needed to celebrate my awesome effort. The statue I would like to see of me is something special. I have spent some time with my ANDY LAM ART ARMY to design it and have also called in my engineers to make certain its construction is not only feasible but also that it is strong enough to last for all time.

The statue shall be 36,000 feet tall and made of solid gold. At 10,000 feet, this glimmering work of art will be visible from outer space. It will dwarf the puny Statue of Liberty, which is only 305 feet tall and isn’t even of a real person FYI, and it won’t be green but shimmering and shiny gold! For the eyes, they should be made of diamonds (for the whites) and emeralds and aquamarine for the pupils. My massive lips should be made of rubies. As is fitting for works such as this, I shall be presented nude, so every aspect of my heroic form can be viewed and marveled at!

Logically, such a wonderful work should be in the place where the most people will be able to see and wonder at it every day. To find such a place I consulted a team of experts - namely the mayors of every city and town in the world. I didn’t tell them it was about the placement of the massive statue I had in mind because I know mayors and they are very big rivals! They are always trying to “one up” each other with one superlative or another and this statue is certainly the most superlative of them all!

Anyhoodle, I got data from all of them and found that Mumbai would be the perfect location. True, with a population of 14.3 million it is far from the largest city in the world; but in terms of population density it can’t be beat! Those 14.3 million are crammed into just 484 square kilometers, which means there are almost 30,000 people per square kilometer! Every day these lucky people will be able to gaze up at my naked form looming above them proudly!

If only the people of Mumbai were to see my statue though, would it be enough? Of course not! My statue will be so tall that airplanes will need to fly around it way up in the sky! To make the most of this fact, I have called all of the air traffic controllers in the world and said, “Hello! It is me - ANDY LAM! - with an urgent announcement! I am planning a giant statue, made of gold, that will be 36,000 feet tall and in Mumbai. I want everyone to see it and so all flights in the world should change their routes to fly around it regardless of where they take off or are planning to land!” Of course, all of the air traffic controllers said yes and that this was the best idea they had ever heard!

Next I called all of the teachers in the world and said, “Hello! It is me - ANDY LAM! - with an urgent announcement! I am planning a giant statue, made of gold, that will be 36,000 feet tall and in Mumbai. I want everyone to see it and so all school field trips in the world should plan on visiting it!” Of course, all of the teachers said yes and that this plan make so much sense they would change their class trip plans right away!

Next I called all of the ship captains in the world and said, “Hello! It is me - ANDY LAM! - with an urgent announcement! I am planning a giant statue, made of gold, that will be 36,000 feet tall and in Mumbai. I want everyone to see it and so of the ships in the world should said past Mumbai so the people on the ships can see the statue!” Of course, all of the ship captains said yes and began changing course so they could see the statue!

This statue will be my greatest gift to the people of the planet earth! They (including you and everyone you know) will love to look up at it. Binoculars will be given to everyone so they can see it better! This will be the single greatest thing ever built on the planet earth and I think that people from other planets will want to come to see it too. It will put the planet earth on the space tourism map!

And just what was the deed for which this gigantic statue is going to be constructed? Well, here’s what happened. I was out in one of the many lawns around my compound this morning and high in the sky I saw a bird - probably an eagle, I thought, since it’s almost the 4th of July - circling and circling. I could tell the bird was looking for something to eat. With my own eagle eyes, I scanned the lawn around me to see what this eagle was planning to eat and I saw it, a very small frog!

This frog was just minding its own business and hopping around happily. It didn’t know there was an eagle circling around in the sky thinking of eating it! This happy little creature didn’t know that its life hung in the balance - would the eagle swoop down from the sky and eat it or would ANDY LAM! arrive on the scene first to rescue it! I saw the eagle fix its hungry gaze on the tiny frog and prepare to dive! I began to run around the lawn as fast as possible as the eagle streaked from the sky!

Faster and faster we both went, straining our muscles to reach the happy little frog! The eagle was a blur in the blue sky! I was a blur on the green lawn! Our paths were both going to converge on the frog at the same time! Who would come out on top!?!?! With a mighty effort I threw myself forward, through the air and over the tiny frog, who now realize the pickle it was in! Just as I made myself into a protective shield for the frog I felt the eagle’s terrible talons ripping into my flesh! I screamed in pain and rolled and twisted to face the flapping bird! I grabbed it by the beak and swung it over my head. I spun it and spun it and spun it until I was sure it was really dizzy - then I flung it into the air! It flew without flapping its wings high into the sky until it was just a tiny dot and then I couldn’t see it any more.

I turned to the frog. It was hopping happily and croaking. “You’re very welcome,” I croaked back and hopped a few times too. Having been almost eaten by a bird myself I know what terror that can be and was glad to spare this little frog that terrible fate. It is for this that I think the statue should be built and so far everyone agrees.

With yet another achievement to be humble about, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!