So the Egg, he left me alone in the empty treasure vault. Dark. Empty. Scary. All of my treasures taken - and some right from under my nose! It was actually really, really scary. The vault is so far underground that I could hear the spooky sounds of the earth groaning and grinding all around me. With no light and no watch and no clock and no clocktower and no radio and no television the time just C-R-A-W-L-E-D by.
In a half sleep I suddenly snapped awake when the gears that controlled the massive doors began to turn. The room (the vault) was FLOODED with bright white light and the Egg King was carried in on his portable throne. “I still don’t believe that this cave of your’s is going to be that special but I am willing to let you show it to me. But believe me, if I am disappointed you will pay!”
Now it was my turn to play this egg’s game. “Now that you mention it,” I said, “it’s probably no better than all of the millions of other caves you’ve visited. I mean you have visited millions of caves, right?” The egg shifted nervously on his throne. “Why of course you have, silly me,” I continued, “caves with fantastic stalagmites and stalactites, caves with underwater lakes and eyeless fish, caves with glowing walls and roofs, caves filled with incredible art on the walls drawn by artistic cave men and women, caves with buried pirate treasure hidden in them, caves full of forgotten Nazi gold, caves that have been mysteriously lost and found again and again over the years. I’m sure all of these things are just old hat for you old Egg boy.”
Rex Ovum Mundi sat in silence on his silly little throne. “Of course I have,” he said after a spell, “of course I’ve visited a million caves with all of those things. But actually,” he went on, “I haven’t quite visited one million caves. In fact, I am stuck at 999,999 and with just one more I will hit a million and be the most famous egg spelunker in history!”
“Really!,” I shouted, “then we really must go! I would love for MY cave to be the one millionth you’ve visited! Quick, untie me and let me lead the way!” The Egg was crafty. Rather than setting me free he had his troops lift my chair (with me in it!) and began to carry it out of the vault. It took ages. Eggs are very small.
They loaded me into their oddly egg-shaped ship of the sky and flew me the short distance to the clearing near the cave. The struggled to get me out of the small ship and onto the ground.
With much huffing and puffing the eggs finally reached the entrance to the cave. “Well,” I said to Rex, “this is awfully exciting! Your one millionth cave! Let’s go!”
Down, down, down we went. Down a long long shaft. Through long long caverns. Down steep steep tunnels. We reached the GOLDEN DOOR and I suddenly realized my mistake. “Wait a second,” I started to say, “you were trying to get me to bring you here all along! You rotten egg!”
Rex Ovum Mundi cackled like a crazed hen. “Oh my my my Andy Lam,” he said, “you are one dim bulb! Of course this was my goal. I’ve never said it wasn’t. In fact, I’ve said all along that I wanted to get into your cave to steal the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno! Now open this door and let me at it!”
I was aghast and ashamed! I’d been fooled by an egg. Yes, it’s true that he was no mere egg but the Egg King of the World. But I’m ANDY LAM and that means something by gum! As the eggs stood staring at me with the tiny little torches I realized that I was at the end of my line. There was nothing I could do at this point but sit silently waiting to die. It make take years, I thought, but I am not going to let the egg win!
I thought this with a steadfast heart but I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. At a word from their evil leader, the eggs began flinging themselves at me in a pelting storm of shells. As these warriors dashed themselves against me I was soon covered with their dripping whites and yokes. The horror was indescribable! I felt my resolve weakening. As the eggs continued to crack against me, I began to crack as well! I wouldn’t be responsible for this terrible and wanton loss of life.
“Stop!” I cried, “stop! I will let you in! You may have the Orange Egg just stop this useless carnage!” At a word from ROM, the eggs stopped the onslaught. I was untied and led to the golden door. I hesitated for a moment and as I did another egg smashed into the back of my skull. I could feel the still warm entrails run down by spine. I opened the door.
A cheer went up from the eggs and they surged past me into the tabernacle. Like the tide they came, wave after wave into the small room that held the Orange Egg. Rex Ovum Mundi reached out and grasped it in his tiny tiny hands. “MINE!” he shouted, “ALL MINE!”
Everything after that is a blur. Eggs screaming and dashing about in a frenzy. Torches blazing. A malevolent egg doctor looming toward me with a syringe dripping some awful green drug from its sharpened tip. The sudden jab of pain as he drove the needle into my skin. The room and cave spinning around me. Falling . . .
Falling . . .
Falling . . .
And then it was daytime and I was laying between the cool white sheets of my infirmary. My medical team was there monitoring me from moment-to-moment. I was groggy. I was befuddled. I was confused. I was safe though and in my compound and there was not a single egg in sight. I started to speak. Nurse Dan put a finger to his lip and shushed me. “Not now, Mr. Lam, you need to rest.”
I didn’t argue with him. Instead I let myself drift back to sleep.
That was a week ago. I am finally starting to feel myself again. I know that all of my treasure is gone and that I will need to amass another gigantic fortune before I can undertake fresh adventures - and track down that awful awful egg! It will be done, however, it will be done!
With a festering egg-hate growing deep inside me, I am . . .
ANDY LAM!
