I will Beat Andy Lam this Tuesday

So some of you have finally figured it out. Good on you. You don't need to worry, your precious Andy Lam is fine - for the moment. My crew has Andy tucked away while we work to get into the cave. We haven't been able to get in though and it is becoming rather frustrating. We have tried all sorts but the man either doesn't understand what we are asking, is too strong to give us what we want or doesn't know how to get into the cave himself.

Since we all know that Andy Lam is a smart cookie it is safe to say he understands our requests. Since we know that Andy has been inside the cave we can assume he knows how to enter it himself. That leaves only the middle option: that he is too strong (or stupid) to give us what we want. That will change.

Since today is "BEAT TUESDAY" as Andy would say we are going to try a new tactic. Don't worry, we aren't going to "BEAT" him per se (well, maybe a little). Believe me, when it comes to beating, my team is well versed in the practice. While none of them have been beaten themselves they have seen it happen to friends and family since time immemorial. Sometimes these beatings whip people up to a frothy frenzy. Perhaps that is what we shell do to Andy if he insists on remaining uncooperative . . . time will tell.

Now I wouldn't be much of a super villain if I didn't spend a little time monologuing and so here it goes. First, let me say that you will never see me on social media. That is for saps and suckers. Nevertheless, I - and my legions - are everywhere. There are billions of us in you homes and stores and schools and farms and everyplace else you can think of.

My name, as Andy has foolishly mentioned in the past, is Rex Ovum Mundi and I am King Egg of the World. I command a massive army of thin-shelled warriors that are ever ready to do my bidding. When I learned of Andy Lam's greatest treasure - one he said might be sat on by a chicken - I realized it might be the fabled Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno. That egg, were it allowed to hatch, would introduce into the world the only force greater than myself.

Clearly this is something I cannot allow to happen. So, a week ago, my eggs and I made our move. We snuck towards Andy's "compound" right in the middle of the day. Right under his very nose. I tricked his chef (using my powerful hypnosis, which works even at long distance) to undertake the creation of the worlds largest omelet. To do this, he would need 10,000 eggs. And so, flat after flat of my bravest warriors were brought right into Andy's home, a modern-day Trojan horse, so to speak.

This initial success was followed by another swift victory as we whisked Andy off to my own waiting Ovoid Airship hovering above his compound. Since then, however, things have progressed more slowly. Initially we told Andy he had been gravely injured in an adventuring accident and that my team of eggsperts were there to help. Given Andy's track record this was entirely plausible. We plied him with pampering treatments and cloying words - all designed to gain access to his most secret treasure cave!

Alas, these efforts have been to no avail! Eventually Andy realized that we were not who we said we were. He was astute enough, after a few days, to realize that we were an army of eggs rather than a crack medical team. Once he realized this his massive brain snapped into gear and he immediately understood the nature of our mission. Since then he has kept his mouth shut - and if you know Andy you will know this is not his natural state.

Today will be different. Today I have summoned my egg beaters and they will do their messy work, flinging themselves in wave after suicidal wave against the bulwark that is Andy Lam. Being pelted by my egg army for hour after hour is sure to crack him! And when he cracks, I will gain access to the cave and retrieve (and destroy) the Orange Egg of Supra Ovo Regno.

And then I will return Andy to his regularly scheduled life of inanity. Frankly, it can't happen soon enough as this is interfering with my own plans for world domination. You will have your idiot back and I will be on my way.

R.O.M.

What a funny day.

Hello everyone I am back. What a funny day I am having. I saw something funny. Before I tell you about it I should say a big "thank you" to the kind and generous people who took care of me when I was not well. They were eggstremely caring and took eggscellent care of me. I have decided that I should repay these people. I would like to give them all of the treasures that I have. Even the one from the cave. Unfortunately, I do not remember all of the details of the various security systems I have in place. If anyone has the security details - particularly the details for the cave - will you please send them to me at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com. Giving these people access to my wealth is the least I can do for them.

Here are some of the funny things I saw today. A car with a dent. A cracked window. A pile of garbage. A person who looked lost. An old phone booth with the phone missing.

Always looking out for funny things, my name is Andy Lam.

Andy Lam, Update #4

Mr. Lam's unwillingness to appreciate the gravity of his situation is rather alarming. We have repeatedly impressed upon him the consequences of his continued behavior. Unfortunately, he either doesn't believe those consequences are real or believes that they are less serious than they, in fact, are.

We truly wish Mr. Lam well but fear things may not end positively for him in this situation.

Andy Lam, Update #3

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I must ask that you remain calm and patient. Mr. Lam continues to be treated appropriately and with care and respect. We are doing our utmost to return him to his normal activities but this will depend on his compliance with our directions.

That is all.

Andy Lam, Update #2

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Mr. Lam has asked that I convey his gratitude at your thoughts and well-wishes. He is recuperating well according to those attending to him. He asks that those wishing to reach him use his email (andylamsuperstar@gmail.com) rather than the telephone of facsimile machine. He wishes to assure you that he will resume his normal activities as soon as he is able.

That is all.

Andy Lam update.

Greetings. I have been authorized by Mr. Lam to post a note on his behalf. Mr. Lam is recovering from a minor incident suffered while conducting some important research. He will resume his writings when circumstances allow.

That is all.

Mmmmm, Delicious BEETSO Soup!

Let me tell you, people went KRAYZEE for last week’s #BEETTUESDAY recipe for BEET Encebollado, a traditional beet dish from SUNNY SPAIN! That got me thinking, “what other countries have FANTASTIC beet recipes?” Of course, with SUNNY SPAIN in my head, the very first country that came to mind was JAPAN - THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN!

You see, in JAPAN - THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN - people LUV to eat BEETSO, which is made of fermented beets. This is a VERY SPECIAL ingredient that can be used in a million or more recipes. I am going to tell you how to make BEETSO and I hope you will share some of the million or more things you have made with it!

First, you will need to make sure you have an appropriate fermentation vessel. This, I think, can be and dang thing you have that is made out of one of these materials: pottery, enamel, glass, plastic or porcelain (which, I am told, is a kind of pottery, and that was the first thing on the list!).

Annoyingly, the recipe I have here uses the anachronistic “metric” system for its measurements. That is silly. I would do the conversion but I can’t think of an easy way to do that. I’ll be there’s a way to use a computer or the “Internet” for that - and whoever finds a way to do “conversions” “online” will probably make “a mint!”

Ingredients!

• 1,000 lbs of beets - the more of these you have the more BEETSO you will be able to make; and the more BEETSO you make the more friends you will have; and the more friends you have the more they will tell their friends about your BEETSO; and that will lead you to making more! You you are really good at making BEETSO you may need to buy all of the beets on planet earth! That is how much people will want to eat!

These are BEETS!

• 2,000 lbs of bologna - (the original recipe said something like KOJI so I found something that kind of rhymes with it)

This is pronounced Baa-Low-Knee.

• 600 lbs of salt - nowadays, you have two choices when it comes to salt, that from the sea (which is called SEA SALT) or that from les montagnes (which is called MOUNTAIN SALT). Either is fine.

This mountain is a perfect source for sel de montagne. You can even SEE the salt all around the top!

• H2O - this is the chemical description of water. If you are lucky and have water delivered to you house, either through pipes or in buckets or in bottles or from a giant vat on your ceiling you probably can get this easily. If you do not, you can bind two hydrogen atoms with one atom of oxygen. Even though I have access to water I prefer to create my own, it’s fresher that way! Regardless of how you get your H2O, you will need a LOT for this recipe!

This is water. You will need a lot of it.

Instructions!

1. Soak the beets for a very long time. At least 40,000 seconds. When the beets are as soft as the velvety muzzle of a bull dog they are ready to cook. Now some people think the heat source matters when it comes to cooking BEETS. Balderdash, I say. I’ll bet if you cooked a trillion bowls of BEETS in all different ways no one would be able to tell one from the other after the first few thousand tries. I put the BEETS and the H2O into a giant caldron and heat it over a wood fire like the witches in that scarey play, McBain that’s on the Simpsons I think.
2. Now squish up the beets in a gigantic mixing bowl.
3. In a separate gigantic mixing bowl combine the BOLOGNA with 400 lbs of sel de montagne.
4. Add the H2O to the BEET and BOLOGNA glop. Do it slowly and mix it slowly and take your time checking it and don’t rush. You’ll know it’s right when you can make the BEETS and BOLOGNA into a ball you can use to play stickball.
5. Now it is time for the fermentation vessel. The only porcelain thing I could think of was my toilet. (Be sure to flush before using it for cooking!)

If you don't have an "official" fermentation vessel you can use your toilet - but be sure to flush first!

6. Throw the balls into the toilet, they should make a “plopping” sound. Aim carefully! Be sure there is no air in the toilet! Squash the balls into the toilet until there form a nice flat surface.
7. Sprinkle the remaining sel de montagne (about 200 lbs give or take) on the surface of the toilet. Be sure to put a lot of sel de montagne around the edges of the toilet for that is where bad fungus may appear!
8. Cover with toilet paper or something else. No matter what you use, be sure it covers the ENTIRE SURFACE of the toilet to prevent mold.  
9. Now, my friends, you must wait. And I hate to say it, but you must wait for a long long time. In fact, at the very LEAST you must wait about 15 million seconds and ideally as long as 63,000,000 seconds.
10. When you have finished counting to 63 million, your BEETSO is ready for use!

Here is my recipe for BEETSO soup:

Ingredients!

• Some weed. You can use any kind of weed you can find. In my backyard over at the compound there is a creeper that drives us craze. We use that.
• 10 cups of dried out brown weed. This isn’t the best but it should be easy to find in your yard.

These weeds should work just fine!

• 5 cups of BEETSO! (See above)
• 5 lbs of tofu or pound cake. Really, I think anything white will do, even marshmallows. In fact, you can replace the sel de montange in the BEETSO recipe to make a delicious desert!
• 5 lbs of scallions greens. I had to look this up. These are the tops of onions apparently. Who has that! You can just use onion peels.

Instructions!

1. Stir all of the ingredients together (you may need to add H2O)
2. Put it over a fire or other heat source.
3. Stir even more.
4. Let it almost boil (AKA SIMMER) for 60 second.
5. Serve and enjoy!

Now that is what I call a DOUBLE WINNER! You really got TWO #BEETTUESDAY recipes for the price of one! Maybe next week I will not give you a new one? Ha! Don’t worry, I am only kidding you! Of course I will share another WONDERFUL BEET recipe next week!

If you have questions on this WONDERFUL BEETSO recipe you should EMAIL me at andylamsuperstar@gmail.com and I will do my best to answer you!

With a rapidly BEETING heart, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!